swim for the music that saves you when you're not so sure you'll survive

laying here in bed unable to sleep. maybe it's the dripping drain outside my window. maybe it's my heater going on and off keeping the room at a normal temperature rather than the freezing one it's usually at. maybe it's the nightmare i keep having over and over. maybe it's all these thoughts running through my head.

listening to jack's mannequin over and over as i lay here trying to sort through my thoughts. music always seems to help.

as much as i don't want to admit it, i'm scared. far more than i realize i am. i'm scared for monday and the rest of my student teaching. i'm not so scared of the kids but i'm scared of failing. of walking in to that classroom and choking. no matter what anyone has told me, there is that fear in the back of my mind that i can't shake. i'm scared of what post-graduation will bring. or what it might not bring. as much as i am excited to be on my own, the thought of the real world is scary.

i don't think i have been happy happy in a long time. i cannot remember the last time that i was genuinely happy. even being around family it didn't feel complete. don't get me wrong i love my family and being able to spend time with them, but it's just unexplainable i guess. it just seems like something is missing.

things need to... no are going to change come this year. i'm not making a new year's resolution because those always fall through, but mark my word, there will be changes.

the currents will pull us away from our love

so i have come to realize a few things while i have been at home and on vacation:

1) my parents are so blind and a little naive to what my sister is doing.
2) my sister has turned into a spoiled, always expecting something, little 16 year old brat. the real world is going to slap her in the face. and it's going to be hard for me not to say... ''told you so''.
3) i have more than one friend at home. :) i mean i sort of already knew that, but it was nice to be able to hang out with old friends.
4) losing two of my closest friends wasn't as bad as i made it out to be. it needed to be done and i have become a much better person for it. no more bitterness.
5) i am scared to death to start my student teaching. i feel really unprepared and nervous. no matter who tells me or how many times they tell me how good i am going to be, i still feel lost.
6) for as big as a pain it is, i am actually happy we are moving. i love our new house and it will be a difference that will be a good thing.
7) i have a lot of books... far more than i realized i had.
8) i can say no to people. there have been many times that i just felt bad, sort of like they guilt me into doing something, but over break i was able to say no not once but twice to the same person.

i have a lot of packing to do... guess i should start now.

it's the one thing that i've known

i have now made it back to the grove because of some circumstances that needed to be left behind at home. i decided about 20 minutes before i left that it was time for me to go. i don't feel welcome there, i am constantly told my 'shit' is in the way, i get yelled at for doing nothing at all, and i am sick of being ganged up on against both of my parents and my bratty sister. so i decided to pack up my stuff and leave before i said some things that i probably shouldn't.

so now i am back in the grove. which is weird, but better than where i was. sadly i don't have any food here, and my food stamps don't roll over till the 2nd. so this is going to be interesting. i am just going to spend my time packing up my room and such so we can move on the 1st.

going to washington tomorrow to have christmas with my aunt's family and my grandparents. i will be driving myself. hopefully my car will make it nice and safe. i guess we will just have to wait and see. i have to go to gaston first to get present from my uncle and then hit the road. hopefully my aunt will let me bring my one load of laundry to do since i left my house in a hurry tonight.

there is just so much to do right now... i should probably get the stuff out of my suitcase that i am going to need tomorrow, but i really just don't care. all i really want to do is crawl into bed.

oh christmas tree, oh christmas tree

My Favorites of the Christmas Season:

Smell: apple cinnamon

Song: holy night

Symbol: well this year our house was covered in snowman cause my mom decorated. they are always pretty cute. i love snowflakes too.

Tradition: there is always the tradition of having 3 different christmas'. one with my mom's side of the family, one with my dad's and then one at home with my parents and my sister. this year though we haven't gone to maupin cause of the snow, and mcminnville was cancelled as well. i love being able to see most of my family every year.

Movie - home alone, miracle on 34th street, the santa clause.

Sweet - homemade fudge and almond roca.

Gift Received - this year... my children's books and a gift card to shop with. it's not much, but i love it anyways.

Gift Given: hmm... probably my mom's frame that i made or sharone's present that she will be getting when we get back to school. jillian's book was pretty cool.

Meal - christmas eve dinner. :)

i can't out run it, just keeps coming, oh your love is relentless

gingerbread houses, kaluha cakes and lots of sugar. :)

i have finished my sister's christmas present finally. only took me two days, but i waited until the very last minute. go figure. i even procrastinate on presents. haha. that's okay i haven't made my dad's yet. hopefully i will be able to find the tools i need to make it.

tomorrow is jillian. :) yay. very excited. headed to eugene to buy sharone's present. among other things i'm sure. very excited to spend the day... or at least a good portion of the day with her. for the first time in forever. hehe.

i was up till like 3am reading last night. i just couldn't put the book down.

woke up to snow this morning... luckily it has melted away. but i have a feeling we might have some tomorrow... i just hope not a lot so i will be able to drive tomorrow. at least we don't have 2 feet like my grandparents in maupin. though we are supposed to venture over there this coming weekend. possibly. not quite sure how that is going to work just yet.

who knows when i am going to make it back to the grove. or what all i am going to be bringing back. quite possibly be more furniture on top of christmas gifts too.

more reading. :) can't get enough of it.

who i am, who i'm not and who i wanna be

you know it is interesting how much i wanted to be at home, but now that i am here... it isn't all i wished it would be. i mean sure its nice to get away from the house and all the annoyingness of certain roommates, to get away from forest grove and to just be able to relax and not have to stress over things school related. but to come home to more stress and bitchy people and family members who really don't want me here isn't the greatest feeling.

this is part of the reason that i don't like coming home. i guess i just don't feel unappreciated. attempted to help my mom clean up the kitchen today and all i got was yelled at for being in the way and being too pushy. tried to help my sister with her room and such last night and i got told that i wasn't helping only making a bigger mess, which was crap. i try and tell my sister that her attitude towards all of us is awful and i am the one getting yelled at by my mom... doesn't make sense to me either.

my sister's attitude and the way she acts is driving me up the wall. if she isn't texting she is talking on the phone to her boyfriend in georgia. which i still think is ridiculous. then if she is asked to do something, she ignores whoever is asking her or just yells at us for being so rude. i just don't really get it.

i guess a couple good things that has come out of being at home is hanging out with a friend i haven't actually out with since high school. it was good to see her. and now that she is in philomath and not eugene till she leaves for boston in august i'm sure we will be seeing more of each other. i also get to see jillian and actually spend a good solid half the day with her on tuesday doing some christmas shopping. yay. i also get to sleep in and read something that isn't textbooks or my work sample.

speaking of work sample... i have finally figured out my second placement. no thanks to debbie mind you. my teacher i am currently with asked around and has given me a 6th grade teacher who is very interested in having me. :) i haven't emailed her yet, but i am going to tomorrow. and i guess i should inform debbie that she can stop 'bothering' people as she has put it before.

haha i love getting phone calls from people that i don't want to hear from. good thing i had a good lie to use... that wasn't actually a lie when i told it to him. oh well. at least i got out of it.

sadly we didn't go to maupin this weekend cause both the moutain and the gorge roads are closed and my grandma said they had snow that was up to her hips over there. i am just hoping that is goes away soon so we can make it next weekend. otherwise there will be no christmas with my mom's side of the family, which wouldn't be be so bad except for the fact that we aren't having christmas with my dad's side of the family either. sort of. we aren't doing anything with my grandpa at his house this year cause joyce decided she couldn't handle it, which is bullshit. so instead we are just doing dinner at our house and my aunt and uncle from salem are coming down. it just isn't going to be the same, but oh well i guess.

stealing even more music from my sister. :) love it.

i swear everyone is either getting married or having babies these days. today alone i have found out about 2 different people from my high school graduating class who are pregnant and there was one engagement that austyn told me about. goodness.

also found out some happy news from a friend. very cute and actually really surprising. i am super happy for her, but can't help being a little jealous at the same time. she'll never know that cause i wouldn't ever tell her, but i know deep down i am.

so ready for christmas to come. doesn't really feel like it, but i'm excited anyways. i am going to be finishing my sister's present tomorrow and will also be baking. :) i also need to go to the bank and deposit one last check for the gas bill that i think has finally gone through.

off to read yet another book. 5th one of break.

lost and insecure, you found me

new music. :) love being able to steal it from my sister. always finding good music.

got to hang out with a long lost friend for most of the day. it was nice to catch up and see her family for the first time in ages. now i talk to a whole maybe 5 people from high school... haha :) that doesn't actually bother me either.

one thing i hata about being at home is the lack of space. i know there is nothing i can do about it, but it does make me feel like i don't really fit in here anymore. currently my suitcase and other bag are sitting in the hallway to my sister's room on top of the old toy box. i don't have space to put any of my things. i just have to put them on top of stuff already there. it is so frustrating and my parents just don't see it. it's really frustrating.

another thing i cannot handle being at home about is the fact that my sister gets away with everything. she has become this spoiled brat that gets pretty much whatever she wants. my dad sort of understands what i mean, but not fully. my mom is completely blinded by it and defends her no matter what. and if she tells me i am jealous of my sister one more time and her so called "relationship" i might scream. i just want my mom to wake up and see what she is doing before my sister goes out into the real world and is screwed.

on a brighter note... my housemates and i got the house we were looking into moving to. it is amazing and i can't wait to move in. not quite sure when that is going to be, but hopefully sooner rather than later. i am tired of our current landlord who's an idiot.

i start student teaching january 5th and i am scared to death... very nerve racking. but but but i finally got my second placement finalized. :) i now need to email her and tell debbie i have found my other placement on my own. no thanks to her. i will be very happy when i don't have to deal with her.

i think i am going to go through this house and freaking de-packrat it. there is crap everywhere and it is driving me up the freaking wall. they need to freaking get ahold of things and stop collecting so many stupid piles. too much stuff for such a small space. get over it and throw shit away already. ugh.

soooooo apparently our dish network that we have is no longer carrying our cbs channel anymore. so when i was trying to finish csi:ny earlier it totally cut me off and said the channel no longer exists. i was so mad.

off to watch some basketball. maybe read.

want to have the same last dream again

this weather is terrible. snow here always means we have tons of ice later. never never a good thing. i am already sick of it and wish it would just go away. this means i can't drive my car cause i just slide. and my windsheild wipers decided it would be a good idea to not work all of a sudden... lovely.

i am now the only girl in the house... wonderful. it is never fun. thankfully i am currently home alone. but these next couple of weeks aren't going to be fun.

i have a lot to do before the end of this week. i still need to make almond roca (which means i need a candy thermometer), more fudge, i need to work on my sister's present. need to make austyn her present, need to figure out house stuff, not to mention work. lovely.

i would rather be somewhere where it was not snowing or have snow. like home. :)

my roommate got my shoes fixed for my christmas present. it wasn't anything terribly huge but i was soooo happy. i have 2 more pair of heels to wear now. :) so happy. i guess it's the little things that count.

off to read my second book of break. close to half way done with it. love that it's break.

she wants to run outside and scream like hell

my cousin is going to be fine. :) best news of this whole semester. thankfully her tumor was not cancerous and i believe that she has gone home today to the rest of the family. wish i was there.

in fact i wish i was anywhere but here. i am absolutely sick of pretty much everyone in the house. i don't even really know what to say. i just wish i could leave. hopefully i can get away for the weekend. that would be wonderful.

for being on break i still feel stressed. go figure. maybe it's cause i still don't know where we are living. or possibly cause i have to ask my grandpa for more money cause we have to move. or maybe it's the people that i have to live with again. maybe it's because i still have a lot to do even though it is break. meh.

my sister is turning 16 in 4 days... goodness she makes me feel old.

no real motivation to do anything. i have slept for most of the afternoon. going to ryan's concert tonight with lisa and austyn. should be fun. then i will probably come back to the house, avoid the people i would rather not see and read the night away.

meh off to get ready.

happy as the sun, lighter than a feather

oh it feels so good to be done. now if only there wasn't all this other stress about many other things to worry about this would be a wonderful break.

still have to figure out moving situation, really want to be in washington with my family, but can't, have to work to make money, must yet again ask my grandpa for money since we have to move, not to mention having to be the only girl again in the house for most of break and all of january. ugh.

it really wouldn't be that bad to be the only girl except for the fact that one of my housemates has turned into an ass. now that i am up to date on everything he has said or mentioned i really have no respect for him. not that i had much of it before, but still. you knew what you were getting yourself into when you decided to live with all of us so quit being an ass about everything. another thing is respect... there isn't a lot of it coming from him. and my other housemate that i have always been tired of is stilllll a slob. i'm sorry that i make a big deal about it, but i don't like living in filth and am not here to clean up after you. i have 24 kids to do that for already. things have to change if we get the house we are looking at.

speaking of the house... it's amazing. a much better upgrade than we have now for only $20 more a month. i am okay with that. :) not to mention a jacuzzi tub in my bathroom, a bigger room and a much bigger walk in closet. and since the house in nicer, things will not be like they are here. we have to keep it cleaner or we are going to have a big big problem. not to mention i might go crazy. i guess it's a good thing i am never going to be at the house since i am student teaching full time. i'm okay with this... for now.

dying my hair tonight. :) already started making presents. have 3 done. 3 more that are so close. one will take a couple days. my sister's is gonna take most of break. making practice fudge tonight. thought about almond roca, but then realized i didn't have a few important things. sharone is wrapping my done presents also... since she loves it oh so much.

love the fact that i can read for enjoyment now. :) it is going to be wonderful. absolutely wonderful. i have already started a book. so many to read. and i can sleep in, sort of.

not sure when i am actually coming home. probably right before we leave for maupin and then i will stay there through christmas. then back up here to move. oh joy. also found out that we will need to find a washer cause my dad apprently sold the one that we had in storage. but we do have a dryer.

so far with my grades i have a pass in my work sample/practicum class and an b+ in my psych class. just waiting for soc and my other ed class. i'm sure i have an a in the ed class, but not sure about the soc class. we will see. hoping for the dean's list, but who knows.

it's starting to set in that i am going to be student teaching full time starting in january... it's scary really. i am excited but so nervous at the same time.

off to the store with sharone. finally getting to hang out for a longer period of time than just dinner. :)

hoping for the best

this is dedicated to you little one. you know we love you and you are a fighter. you can beat this. you are in out thoughts and prayers at all times. i love you!

"What Cancer Cannot Do
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit"
-unknown

If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell.
Lance Armstrong

Once you choose hope, anything's possible.
Christopher Reeve

Keep holding on the rope of life and open your eyes after you reach the top.
- Trust Me

Life is too short
Don't waste a minute
Enjoy each day
And everyone in it

Tomorrow will come
It could be your last
Make the most of today
Life passes too fast.

I look to the sky and what do I see?
A castle, a rainbow, and dreams for me,
An end to this battle that I must fight,
To rid my feelings of depression and fright,
An end to cancer is not far away,
It will be here someday... someday.

God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow or sun without rain.
But god did promise strength for the day comfort for the tears and light for the way.
and all who believe in his kingdom above.
He answers their faith with everlasting live God Bless

I am, and always will be a survivor

I will conquer anything that dares to cross my path.

all seem to mingle into one

just when i thought this week was starting to look up more bad news comes my way. it seems never ending.

this morning i was woken up by a phone call that topped all of the bad news that i have been given this week. my mom informed me that my cousin in washington who is also epileptic has been diagnosed with a grapefruit sized cancerous tumor that is wrapped around her ovaries and fallopian tube. they are going to try and operate either tonight or tomorrow morning.

i wish i didn't have my final on tuesday morning or i would drive up with my mom. so worried.

today is ginger's birthday so i will be able to take my mind away from the worry for tonight when we take her out. should be a good night. :)

just hasn't been my week. hopefully next week will be better.

remind us all of what we used to be

today was better... sort of.

have finally learned that my 5 credits i had left over have been waived. i can now graduate on time without having to take extra classes while i am student teaching. thankfully.

the property manager lady called me back this morning, so we are getting a formal viewing of the house on sunday at 2. i really hope this all works out.

our soc project is a pain in the ass. really i think it is pointless. doing the research was cool cause we got to watch the disney movies, but the rest i am not a fan of. group papers are just ridiculous. far much more work than is needed. that is what will be consuming my life this weekend.

i really would like it to be break already. though break means the pain of moving. ugh.

off to read. or watch something. or sleep. who knows.

but anything goes when everything's gone

this week hasn't been the greatest. it's been a roller coaster ride from the start.

certain things should be left unsaid. don't get me wrong, i was glad my mom decided to tell me, but it just wasn't something i really needed to hear. brought up many things i had buried and would rather not think about.

learned we were getting kicked out of our house because our landlord is an idiot and feels it is not important to pay the mortgage. so now we are left to find a new house during the holiday break and move. what a wonderful gift to us. luckily we have some prospects, including an amazing house that is literally over the fence from us. it's so wonderful. now if only the property management company would call us back. that would be wonderful.

still do not have a second placement, but i have been told "not to worry, it will work itself out". ugh. also i still do not know about my credits situation from mike. i have to go give him my academic evaluation tomorrow so he can move forward with it. so frustrating.

i just hope something goes right or good for us soon or i might crack.

decided to color my hair again. not sure when i am going to do it. in the next week or so. also while doing that, sharone will be wrapping my gifts that are done so far. since she loves doing it. plus i have started my baking. i am making a cherry pie tomorrow. made the dough for the crust tonight... wonderful.

once break starts it will be filled with not only my classroom and work, but reading and baking and christmas gifts. :) love it. oh and i guess finding and moving to our new house. not so wonderful.

off to finish crossing jordan and sleep.

so take back everything you ever said

it was wonderful to get away. :) love it.

don't love falling down half my stairs on my knee. not only do i have a big rug burn, a bruise starting, but my knee is throbbing. it's going to be wonderful tomorrow. i am also getting another bruise on my other leg from falling. lovely.

soc group project tomorrow, psych test and paper due on tuesday and then my soc final on the 9th and then i am done! thank goodness. starting in january i am student teaching full time. scary. but first a whole month of vacation. much needed vacation.

figured out what i am getting austyn for christmas. another present i don't have to pay for either. :) and ginger. still nothing for sharone and mi padre. hmm...

spending 4 hours with jillian on wednesday was wonderful. :) love it. i think that is two record for us, longest time seeing each other at one time and the most time seeing each other in one month. lovely.

off to figure out something to do with my knee, wash my face, brush my teeth and possibly sleep.

i can't waste time so give it a moment

it's monday and i feel i need to vent a little frustration and annoyance.

didn't sleep well at all last night. woke up a few times in the middle of the night, the last time being over an hour before my alarm clock went off and i couldn't go back to sleep. go down to make coffee and remembered that we didn't have creamer. luckily austyn gave me 3 dutch dollars so i did get coffee which has kept me going. my kids drove me absolutely crazy. i had kids pushing other kids, kicking, hitting, and just all over the place.

i am tired of my alternator belt squealing all the time. it is so frustrating and embarrassing. people look at me like i am an idiot and don't know my car is making that sound. trust me i know.

speaking of car... someone in my schools parking lot hit my car and gave me a new dent. wasn't there this morning and then appeared when i was leaving. no note, nothing. lovely.

i don't want to go to my soc meeting, or my doctor's appointment. have to tell them i need a referral cause i can't afford going to them with my new insurance, plus they obviously aren't doing something right cause my face still isn't getting any better.

finally got the last check for gas. it is really frustrating when you have to ask 15 fucking times to get a check. seriously that just rude. not to mention inconvenient. ugh.

i'm pretty sure i am going to have to take my toaster oven home over break to clean it. also really tired of someone saying they will clean it and then they never do. so i am standing by my word and taking out of the house. freaking get over it.

it was so cold in our house last night that i had to wear gloves to bed. somehow that just doesn't seem normal or okay when you are sick. it's bullshit if you ask me.

alright i think i have vented enough. off to print work sample, soc homework, soc meeting, gas, doctors appointment, shower, class, bed. good lord.

tried and true, fading in the twilight

being sick is the worst thing. not a huge fan of it.

i am in need of a much longer break than thanksgiving break can bring. not much of a break though. i have a ton of psych notes to copy, a portion of an 8-10 page group paper to write, psych reading to do so i will at least be able to understand the stuff i have missed some what, not to mention a ton of laundry and the most important thing, getting over this stupid freaking sickness.

i hate being alone on a friday night. stupid sickness has made having a social life a little difficult.

i also hate being lied to. if you say you are going to do something, then just do it. if you aren't then it would be nice to know in advance. seriously.

counting the days till i can get away for more than just a few days. if only it could come sooner.

off to possibly sleep without coughing all night.

it's too late for you and your white horse to come around

so far this has been the best weekend for a long time. :) love it.

really started on tuesday with my sister's semifinal soccer game against OES. minus having to drive home, best day ever. they made it to the finals. so yesterday was spent in wilsonville watching history being made. my sister's team is the first team from philomath to make it to the championship match AND win it all!!! The played valley catholic from beaverton and beat them 2-0. it was an amazing game to watch and very exciting. pictures from after the game:

olive garden afterwards wasn't too bad either. wonderful actually. finally got to hang out with maggie too. love that she game with me. at the game it was like a little philomath reunion with people from my class that i played soccer with and others too. it was a lot of fun. :)

today has been spent doing homework. but luckily i get to watch peter pan for homework. wrote my paper for tomorrow. sent and posted pictures from yesterday. then i think after this i am going to be working on my christmas list and my ideas for presents for people so i know what i need to buy and what i already have. possibly write back to jillian in there somewhere. maybe i will actually get to my work sample. haven't done anything for awhile and its all due next week. looks like that is what i will be doing all this week. lovely.

i love that christmas is coming. and thanksgiving of course. dani put up lights in our room the other night and surprised me. :) it was wonderful. and holiday candy. i can't wait to decorate for christmas. it will be wonderful.

new music. i love it when my mom buys music and then i can steal it.

off to work on the christmas list. then peter pan. then possible dinner.

you can't break a broken heart

i just love it when people talk behind your back and then it gets back to you. seriously some people are just ridiculous and immature. good luck to you in life.

new music. :) drowning myself in it's amazingness.

so today's student teaching didn't go so well. basically the substitute teacher told me she didn't feel comfortable with me teaching. mind you teaching stuff i have been doing for almost two months. it made me really frustrated because i knew i couldn't say anything to her.

tomorrow will make up for it. many amazing things. leaving psych early. driving home. getting to see jillian for the second time in two weeks... a record i think. sister's semi-final soccer game. getting to see john, verity and the kids for the first time in a couple years. and i get to be out of forest grove. good enough for me.

meh off to sleep. hopefully.

so give me a reason

i hate unwanted surprises. never a good thing.

today has been an off day. not a huge fan of off days. i just feel blah and have no motivation to do anything. it's frustrating. i did watch my disney movie for my soc project. make a cover so dani will quit hitting the light switch and turning off my alarm. went to target and got what a needed. but i haven't done any of my work sample stuff, probably cause i had no motivation to since i don't have to go to class tomorrow. but that is probably what i am going to be doing tomorrow night. and my soc paper. and my lesson plan for wednesday. since tuesday is pretty much out of the question.

speaking of tuesday. :) saturday my sister's soccer team played gladstone and beat them to make it to the semifinals for the first time since i was a senior in high school. so again i will be traveling to philomath to watch the playoff game on tuesday. just like my senior year, they are playing OES in the semi's, but this time it is at home. this is the team that has the chance to make it to the finals. if they win saturday's final game is at wilsonville high school.

also saturday i ran into a couple of friends from high school, both are married with babies. very cute. i also found out that one of them, who i haven't really talked to since graduation actually lives in north plains, like 5-10 minutes from me. :)

tomorrow morning i am going to be teaching all on my own. my teacher is still going to be arizona, so she has a sub and wants me to teach since i am going to know the class better than the sub. should be interesting.

sarah and i are buying our twilight tickets this week. yay!

i forgot how much i love modpodging things. it's actually really relaxing. takes my mind away from everything that is bothering me. i'm thinking that is what i want to do for christmas this year, a lot of modpodging of presents. plus homemade almond roca. yum.

oh christmas how i love thee. target in the christmas section was wonderful. i love it all. the lights, the smells, the ornaments, everything. i'm excited that most of my housemates and my roommate are going all out with me to decorate. plus an ugly sweater party. :) wonderful. tree, wreath, lights, ornaments, candles, the whole shebang.

should probably try and be more productive. or maybe i will just shower and watch another disney movie. i like the second idea better.

this is the last straw don't wanna hurt anymore

i will be very happy when tomorrow is over and one with. i am so tired of every other commercial on the television or the radio being something about the measures or how bad certain candidates are. good lord. so frustrating.

found out today i am on track with my work sample and i don't have to go to class next week. plus the following week none of us will have class cause of some conference our professor is going to. then the following week out full work sample is due. i can't believe that it's coming up sooooo fast. it's rather scary.

so not really sure why, but what i found out today sort of bothers me. i mean i know it shouldn't and i shouldn't care, but i can just feel it itchy and scratching at me. i mean it was bound to happen and it should, i guess i just wasn't quite ready for it.

off to sleep and ponder.

whisper the words, the words that my heart wants to hear

new week... new things to think about and take care of. lovely.

i swear all i do is my work sample anymore. i have psych homework to do, but by the time i get done with my work sample i am all homeworked out. i just want to sit back and relax. hopefully psych tomorrow with katie and studying on tuesday and wednesday for thursdays test. can't forget my soc project either. i haven't done anything for it, but i should probably work on that.

i find out my orela test scores tomorrow. super nervous and worried about passing. crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

i really need to do laundry, but just feel there is no time to do it. i will probably do a load or two tomorrow. running out of pants and nicer shirts for my school observation.

halloween at my school was crazy. not only was it halloween that involved a school wide parade in their costumes, but it was also the end of the month which means they had their spirit assembly, which was total chaos in it self. maybe not total chaos, but definitely not something i would think would happen in the school. by the end of the day i was ready for a nap. though after my teacher and i worked on stuff for next week we went out and had drinks. and i didn't have to pay for anything. love it.

i feel very unprepared for the future right now. i have no idea what i want to do. i am not really thinking grad school right now. i mean i am sure i will totally figure things out once things get closer to decision time. i just don't want to screw things up. who knows. meh.

need to hang up clothes and then sleep. up at 5:45 tomorrow morning. gotta love that.

you only get one time around

new music :)

it's been a crazy few weeks. full of tons of homework, work sample, my classroom, and very little free time. my work sample is slowly coming along... rather stressful and sometimes really annoying. i will be glad when it is all done and put together. i do feel a little bit confused about a lot of it, but i guess you do a lot of work on it during student teaching, so i have time. i sort of feel that it's consumed my life. other homework seems not as important sometimes. haha somehow i get it all done.

i love my classroom. it is going to be really hard to leave them after student teaching is done in my first placement. i have been thinking about a christmas gift for my mentor teacher. i have a couple of ideas of what i want to do, but i am not quite sure which one i want to do. i know both are going to take a little work, but i figure i can do over my 3 week break.

i feel like i never see anyone anymore. it's frustrating sometimes not being able to see anyone cause i am so busy with everything else that has consumed my life.

off to deal with laundry, psych learning exercise, stress free rest of the night - hopefully.

we can't forget these are the days

weekends are not long enough. they should be 3 or 4 days. it would make things much easier. and probably better.

today has not been the best day. i have come to realize that i feel very unappreciated by certain people. i give and i give and i get nothing in return but a slap in the face. i am tired of it. i have also learned that my sister is very selfish. i don't know why this bothered me so much but it did. and then when i tried to talk to her or my mom about it all i got were excuses or yelled at. i just don't get it. then i get told that the only reason i am mad was because my parents didn't let me study abroad but let my sister go. no no that is a totally different issue. i will always be jealous of the fact that she got to go and i didn't cause my parents wouldn't let me. but that isn't why i am upset and no one is listening to what i am trying to say. i finally just gave up.

on top of that i was drying towels and all of a sudden the stupid dryer broke. so now our dryer is broken. lovely. just going to make doing laundry a bigger pain.

my work sample is bothering me. i am having trouble trying to figure out my rationale. the other two parts are pretty much done. hopefully kris will be able to help me out a bit more with the questions that i sent her.

i need to organize my stuff. all over the place and bothering me.

*sigh*

you stay alone forever

my life is consumed with busyness and stress. go figure.

my classroom today was crazy. they were all over the place. luckily my teacher and i together got them to calm down a lot and things worked out pretty well the rest of the day. my soc class was alright. i got a little bored. i am hoping we are making progress on our stupid soc group project. our one group member is still being a little bit difficult, but at least we have finally set up an meeting time for friday. i proceeded to show up for my work sample class at 5 when it actually starts at 7. so annoying. class tonight was sooooooooooooooo helpful with my work sample stuff. i am working on making a list to email my teacher so i can get some help on what i don't have access to. :)

though this work sample has brought on a lot more stress now though. much more to do with no real free time.

oh i finally got my 2nd placement. and its closer than aloha. thankfully i will be at banks elementary, which is only about 10 minutes away instead of 30. i meet with the principal tomorrow afternoon for my screening interview.

apparently i pissed off one of my housemates this morning. i was being "too loud" as i was leaving. i got this wonderful silent glare and really nothing else. well no wonder he heard everything... his freaking door was wide open. not very smart of him when you live right next to the kitchen. duh that's just common sense.

laundry tomorrow night. plus cleaning off my roommates bed since its just a big pile of clothes, blankets and such. i figure i would put them all away so she could sleep off her plane ride back from texas. :)

apparently my sister jacked up a $175 phone bill to her hotel room in ukraine cause she didn't use her international card right. oops. :) at least they have it figured out and know how they are going to pay for it. speaking of which, i still have not heard from her, which is stupid since i'm sure her little boy thing has gotten plenty of phone calls. grrrr.

alright i need to be productive and make my to do list for this week. and shower.

inside my heart there is an empty road

orela test is over. thank goodness. 4 hour tests on saturdays should not happen. hopefully i did good enough to pass then i don't have to take anymore big tests like that during my undergrad. :) i think our scores are emailed to us on the 20th and we get them officially on the 26th or so. i hate waiting.

tomorrow is going to be spent in the library working on my work sample. oh joy. i feel really lost, but thankfully monday night is going to be spent going over everything and making sure everyone is doing everything right. i also need to go to goodwill and take the bags that my roommate created from old crazy stuff.

i am officially sick of one of my group members from my soc group. okay actually the three of us are sick of her. she is freaking annoying, not very smart, and is making this whole project super difficult. its getting more frustrating and i am about ready to snap. i am hoping we get it figured out soon and don't have to go to jaycee.

i need to get out of here soon. i am getting agitated and frustrated. washington next weekend? maybe.

shower time. then movie. then sleep.

don't work yourself up

new music. :) = wonderful.

the rest of my day has been the total opposite. stupid orela is going to kill me. i just took the practice test and some of the freaking questions are so ridiculous. they really don't have to do with anything. just random questions about each subject within school. the test doesn't actually test us to whether we are going to be good teachers or not, because there isn't a test to prove that. i personally think is bull that we even have to take this test.

sooooo my parents still owe me over $2000. currently it's around $2500. i was informed that i would be given $190 of it at the end of this month and go freaking figure that i'm am later told that i am not given it. since the initial $2000 was given to them almost a year and a half ago. i have been very kind and not pushy about getting it back, but that $2000 was left to me by my great grandma for me to use. i know that my parents have done a lot for me. though i find it really ridiculous when i ask if it is possible if i am going to get even a portion of the $190 this month and i get chewed out for being ungrateful. now it might just be me, but i find this to be a little bit ridiculous, since i was the one that gave them the money in the first place and i was told i would get it back in payments and have yet to see anything. it's getting really frustrating with the fact that i have bills to pay of my own without a full time job to keep my income steady like their's is. i don't know. i am just tired of getting yelled at for something that isn't even my fault. maybe if they were better with money there wouldn't be a problem. ugh.

i am already stressed about this weekend, my test is on saturday and i have three parts of my work sample due on monday as a rough draft to have to be worrying about money. honestly its bullshit. i hate it.

stupid freaking work sample. stupid test. stupid money. blargh.

*sighs*

cause it's all in my head

it's nice to get away yet again... except for when i have a ton of stuff to do.

i have yet to start homework. i have moved down to the library in philomath to try and find a quiet place to read. i have my psych book out and ready to read, but i found out that i have 50 pages to read about skinner... ick. did my soc reading before i left, thank goodness. i really need to work on my work sample stuff cause i only have two weeks to have three rough drafts of stuff to put together. lovely. i do have a ton of stuff in the back of my car, but yet to really look at any of it. hopefully sometime today, or tomorrow when my family is taking my sister to the airport.

tomorrow my sister ships out to ukraine for two weeks. still bitter about it, but whatever. she is packing today, hence why i am down here. this means that my mom is running around the house screaming and yelling at my sister for no good reason. she will be freaking out and stressed all day, which also means that my dad will be yelling at her to shut up. so i have left to let them all hash it out. oh i did find out that my sister's troop leader is a dumbass. she is only letting the girls each take $150 of spending money on their trip. oh stupid is that. a once in a life time trip and they can only take so much. i really just want to go down there and punch her in the face tomorrow and tell her how stupid she is. so my sister is taking more and just not telling her. haha. :)

i have also learned that my sister and this boy she met over the summer have gotten worse. they are on the phone all the freaking time, whether texting or talking. she has also started saying "i love you" when she gets off the phone. and she has only known this boy for a month and a half. not to mention that he is in freaking georgia. it has gotten bad. apparently he also has a child too, AND he is only 16 years old. ick ick. i am hoping she realizes what a stupid mistake she is making sooner rather than later.

i need to upload pictures still. maybe i will do this while i read. i stole all my sisters music, which means i now have more than just 700 songs on my computer :) finally.

nice to see jillian again. twice in one month is always a good thing. :) still jealous that she gets to go to disneyland again. grrr. not sure when i am coming back into town, probably around thanksgiving or so.

meh... homework is calling my name. gross.

all i know is that you gave everything so let that be enough

procrastination. that's basically what i have done all weekend. i still have yet to start my reading that i need to do for soc and psych. i also have to create a writing checklist of my 2nd graders. joy.

new hair cut. :) yay. i'm pretty happy with it. my bangs are going to take some getting used to, but i am happy with how things turned out. :) i don't have any pictures yet, but i'm working on it.

soooo for any of you who didn't know, my roommate being the kind and caring person that she is, decided to bring back from roundup to baby squirrel that she rescued from a cat. so for the past couple of weeks we have had a pet baby squirrel in my house. she even named him... moose. some pictures a below. he has been taken to the audubon society in portland since we decided that we couldn't keep him.
i have figured out what i am going to be doing for my work sample. i am going to be a doing a unit on nutrition for my 2nd grade class. i am rather excited. i found a few books at barnes and noble on friday. so if any of you have any books on nutrition that would be good for children let me know. :)

my mom gave me all over he jodi picoult books. :) well except for the one that she is reading and the two that i already own. i'm pretty excited. not sure when i am going to get around to starting them, but i am going to try and at least have a little of reading time to myself while i am doing school work as well. we will have to see how that goes.

off to read about gay marriage and the impact it has on the family for my soc class.

you took my hand and everything changed

i'm not sure what it is, but i am rather annoyed at the moment. its frustrating.

i really don't wanna study for my psych test that's on thursday. that's what i will probably be doing tomorrow morning/afternoon cause i have class tomorrow night. after class i will probably study too. ugh. i did finish my soc paper for friday and my discussion questions for friday also. thankfully.

i am tired of arguing with my parents about a car. i am not asking them to buy me a new car, but if they would be willing to help me i could get a car that i could rely on and don't have to keep putting money into for nothing. we have probably put at least $5000 into my car that i probably couldn't get $1200 for. its frustrating. i want a car that i am going to be able to rely on after i graduate for more than a year or so. i understand that my parents don't have the money to buy me a new car, but a newer, nicer, more reliable car would be nice.

meeting my mentor teacher on thursday. that i am actually excited for. i am finally ready to get started with my practicum and i am ready to start my work sample. seeing how i don't have a lot of time to have sections of it done.

i don't even know what else is bothering me. i am just annoyed and frustrated at everything. ugh.

i am off to shower and hopefully calm down.

what my heart needs now is rest

this day basically made my weekend. :)

woke up to a phone call this morning informing me that i FINALLY have a placement. i will be at Tobias Elementary in Aloha. :) finally. i didn't have to go to the dean either, so i am very happy. i emailed the teacher, but have not gotten anything back from her yet. so i am hoping i will be able to work something out over the weekend.

no class today. :) love it. i worked for 5 hours today, so that was nice. i have to figure out the work study schedule since we have finally figured out our problem with our money. lisa is going to be gone for 3 weeks. though she will miss us and won't be able to stay away the whole time, but it will be good for her.

goodness laundry is a never ending job. i swear dani and i have way too much laundry between the both of us. its crazy.

i do have a lot to do this weekend. let see... 1) psych project/writeup 2) soc paper on sarah palin 3) psych reading 4) soc reading 5) laundry 6) upload a ton of pictures from summer 7) upload more music to my computer 8) make the work study schedule 9) placement/education stuff

goodness. more than i thought. off to eat something and start on the list.

please stay, won't you stay tonight

this week has really had nothing good come of it. from the time monday hit i had a bad feeling about this week. and sure enough i was right. i have managed to cry everyday this week because of multiple amounts of things.

monday equaled me crying before noon for a good half an hour. lucky me still does not have a placement for my practicum and student teaching. so this automatically places me three weeks behind everyone else who has a placement already. i now have 24 days until i have to have 3 sections of my work sample done and i need a classroom and a teacher to be able to work on that. so i go in to see debbie to see if anything has changed with it. she tells me know and i automatically get frustrated. i tell her how ridiculous this is that i have to sit here and wait when i have my work sample to work on. then she thinks it would be nice to tell me that the reason my first one didn't work out was because i didn't go to the inservice days that the teachers have before their school starts. i completely lost it at this point. i got really angry, which lead me to start crying. i proceed to tell her that no where in any of the information that we were given does it say to go on the inservice days. all it says is to email the teachers. doesn't help if they don't email you back. by the time i left, i was yelling at her and crying.

tuesday i look for an email from her and get nothing. by the afternoon she had sent out a group email to everyone so she could set up a meeting with us to make sure we have a handbook and everyone knows what they are doing. stupid idiot. i was also already in a bad mood because of yesterday. then i happen to look in my planner and realize that i have two papers, one being on a project that i have to do. meh.

today was bad because during class we were talking about our placements today and i got really upset when i couldn't talk about mine cause i didn't have it. i held in my tears for the last part of class but as soon as i got in my car i just lost it.

so needless to say this has been an awful week and its only the third week into the semester. i can't even imagine how much worse its going to get. meh. tomorrow i am off to talk to the dean. i am hoping that he is going to be there cause i don't think i can wait any longer to wait for a placement. ugh.

off to get some much needed sleep.

i'll give you everything i have, the good the bad

frustration looms above me. anger, annoyance, fear all wrapped together. i really should stop over thinking things.

update on my placement.... i have NONE! i was informed last week that the other teacher has decided she didn't want me either. so needless to say i am two weeks into the semester without a placement, with 28 days till three portions of my work sample are due and i can't do anything about it. all i can do is sit and wait. so needless to say i am going to be persistant and go into the debbie's office everyday until something is fixed. and if after another week and a half nothing has changed i am going to the dean because all of this is unfair to me and adds more stress that doesn't need to be there. i shouldn't be having to deal with any of this. it all adds up to if things don't get fixed then there is a possibility that i will not graduate on time. there goes the college of education messing up again. i have already started a letter to the dean.

people keep asking me what i am going to do next. i honestly have no idea. maybe grad school, but no idea where, maybe a teaching job, again no idea where or for how long, maybe just a job to start paying back loans. who really knows. i just wish i wouldn't keep being asked about it.

i swear laundry is never ending and so annoying.

my box to goodwill is becoming very large. i really need to take it in. i also need to take three of my heels in to get new tips eventually soon since i wear them all the time.

finally getting my hair cut on the 18th. not exactly sure what i am going to do as i am really bored with my hair and sick of my bangs. i will be searching for pictures till then. i know i am keeping the length just a different style.

eh i need a shower and should read some psych. oh joy.

desperation there's danger in frustration

its been a long time since i have posted. there's a lot to catch up on, and really i just needed to vent to someone.

first the month of august was crazy. worked for half of it full time, then i started training for orientation for ambassadors. then came orientation and moving in the new freshman and such. that was a lot of work, but it paid off in the end. :) my birthday was the second day of orientation. it was a lot of fun, even if i had to work for part of it.

after a very long day of moving freshman in and then gilbert residents in and real world practice i went home trying not to fall asleep. next thing i know donald and dani are waking me up with my two favorite liquor's, Kahlua and Bailey's. it was wonderful. my mom came up and took me to macaroni grill for lunch where she bought me my first legal drink, an italian strawberry raspberry margarita. it was good. then more orientation. afterwards, my roommate, housemates and some friends all went into portland for dinner at kel's. in which time i finally got my present from my roommate that she had been bragging about forever. she bought me a coach purse. i screamed like a zillion times before we even left the house.

then school started on the 25th and that brings me to the present. i am only taking 12 credits this semester, which is nice for my student teaching and work schedule. which also brings to me why i need to vent. i freaking hate the college of education as of late. so i got my mentor teachers that i would be working with for the year. i have tried to email them over the summer and got nothing. so i emailed again once school started and that just created such a mess. after finally talking with debbie, who is really rude by the way, i have learned that my 2nd grade mentor teacher doesn't want me, but a flex student that can be in her classroom all day everyday. so now i am down a placement. they are checking to see if the 4th grade teacher is still willing to work with me and if not then i am screwed big time. all of this is sort of vital to have taken care of already because i need to be working on my work sample and start getting my 30 hours in the classroom in. so needless to say the college of education has screwed up once again and aren't taking the blame or fixing their mistakes. and the students are getting screwed in the end. ugh.

meh. other than that mess, classes are going alright. my sociology of the families is really interesting and i think it will probably be one of my favorite classes this semester. now psychology is a different story. i dread that class everyday. not fun at all. actually rather boring. my last methods class is going to be interesting. and then my work sample... well we all know how that is going.

i was also informed yesterday by debbie, that what i was wearing wasn't appropriate to wear inside the classroom. no freaking kidding. goodness. i went to one class in the morning and then work. she told me that i need to dress appropriately. no shit. hence why she was so rude. i have been in other classrooms and i am not stupid.

though this did bring up the idea that i am going to need to invest in more "work" shirts and heels or nice shoes. so this might bring on a shopping trip this weekend. :) shopping therapy is always a good thing.

alright i need to go and make something for dinner and then try and breathe and relax and figure out what i need to do for homework tonight. then its off to 4 hours of class. oh joy. i think dutch brothers is going to be needed.

and i'm thinking i prefer to not be rescued

first off... happy birthday jillian! i have everything for your present and your card, but i haven't had a chance to get to it. you should have it sometime within the next week. :) i'm excited. i hope you have had an amazing birthday weekend so far.

second... breaking dawn is simply amazing! read it in about 8 hours today. it was very satisfying and made everything complete. i felt so much pain for bella during the first half, but everything fell into place, making it wonderful.

third... i am off to lincoln city tomorrow to visit the roommate. yay. movies, smores, books, adventures. and plus, i am getting away from forest grove for probably the last adventure before training, orientation and school starts. oh god that's scary. i still can't get over the fact that it's going to be my senior year this year. it feels so weird, like high school worries all over again, only with the real world this time.

fourth... 19, well now 18 days till my birthday. i still haven't told my mom what i want for my birthday. though i am not quite sure what i really want. i have a feeling she will probably send me flowers like she has the last two years. her and my aunt are thinking of taking my to lunch, but i am still trying to figure all of that out with the stupid orientation schedule. speaking of orientation, joel was reminded that my 21st birthday was during orientation and he found me in the office and told me that i wouldn't be celebrating on my birthday. i just laughed at him and said, ''you really can't tell me what i can and can't do'' and i walked off. he wasn't very happy with me. but i really could care less. i will do what i need to do during the day for orientation but after that i am doing whatever i want.

fifth... i hate breaking out. its so freaking annoying. my face is awful and i don't really know why. it's really frustrating and makes me feel really self conscious about it. probably cause i was stressed for a bit about money stuff. but i just want them to freaking go away already.

off to watch some oth. :)

did i finally see what i was waiting for

3 days till breaking dawn.

5 days till i see my roommate again. and a week and a half till she moves here for good. :) :) :)

23 till my birthday. finally 21. :)

sadly only 27 more days till i start classes again. my senior year. final year. oh goodness.

lots of countdowns, with more farther out of the way, but are still exciting.

my massage today was wonderful. :) deep tissue massage even. helped with the really bad knots that have been in my back forever. they are completely gone, but it definitely helped a lot. :)

austyn is here for a couple days. yay! i am super excited. finally got to see her today, which was wonderful. chang's tomorrow. and i am super happy that she is paying for me too. i'm glad she owed me. hopefully we will be able to stop by the store i need so i can get the couple things i need for jillian's present. :) (you know i almost actually wrote out what i needed, then i realized that you my dear would be reading this... hehe i almost blew it. )

washing my car this weekend... always a good thing. my windows are covered in bugs... it's just gross.

leaving for lincoln city with donald and alex on sunday. off to see dani. :) yay. it will be a house adventure, minus iain.

off to sleep. :)
and according to sarah i'm gonna dream about edward. silly girl.

puts a smile on your face cause you know its ours

its friday tomorrow. thank goodness.

this week has been alright. not super busy at work, but for the last two days i have had enough spare time to read a 553 page book. i have two or more housing assignments to deal with tomorrow, i need to help denise organize the mac guest suite to move stuff. i need to check on the information from lois about keys and rooms. other than that i don't really have a lot to do tomorrow. with no book to read either... or at least one i haven't decided on yet.

speaking of books, i got my amazon order today. now i have my own twilight, new moon and eclipse, which makes me smile. not to mention a new children's book, when i'm big, by sam mcbratney. :)

i stilllll really need to do laundry, but by the time i get home from work i don't have the energy to do it. i think tomorrow after work i am going to come home, make a to-do list and actually quite possibly maybe do it. laundry, emails to a principal and teacher, clean room, clean bathroom, start organizing my life for the next year.

i'm not sure what book i want to start next. i have my sister's keeper, which i have heard is good, but is going to make me cry. or there is water for elephants, which dani said was good. or i could go through the bag of books my mom gave me and just pick one of those.

i hate money issues. i am hoping my momma will be able to help me out. or maybe if our stupid ridiculously lazy insurance company would ever process my reimbursement from freaking may i would have my $150 dollars back. stupid freaking idiots. until then its nothing for me. at least till the beginning of the month. for a bit.

meh. annoyed. off to find a book.

trying to stop your leaving

today has been awful... and its only 2.

i have a list of stuff to do that is a page long... and its never ending. i keep adding stuff to it because i keep getting things given to me. the housing email isn't working on one computer and you can't access it fully on any other computer. i am starting to get phone calls about rooms and students wanting more information, information that they should either know or they can just look it up online. i am the only one in the office for housing which means to everyone else that i am supposed to know everything.

i am going to start my period. sorry that might be too much information.

i just gave the business office $200 for something that my insurance is still figuring out. they were supposed to reimburse me a month ago, but still haven't.

i haven't paid my bills yet. haven't given any of my roommates the money they need, and they haven't given me what i need. really all i need is money from iain and then i am just going to cover the amount from dani, which i am not worried about, but for next month we will just split it 4 ways... actually 3 ways since alex isn't here.

i can't go with ginger this weekend because i have to be in vancouver on saturday. that made me sad and i know that ginger is bummed. i feel really bad.

i just want to run away and hide from everything.

your love keeps on reaching out to me

today was a good day. :)

sunday i drove to lincoln city and spent the night and monday with my roommate. :) very fun. had la roca, which always makes things wonderful. did some shopping and just got to hang with my roommate, which is always a good thing. driving back at night wasn't so much fun, especially after i hit the raccoon and then sat in construction for 20 minutes. but it was all worth it.

tried on a couple bridesmaids dresses on today. neither fit, since i grew up top... lame. but we aren't sure if these are the ones that we have really decided to get. they are still thinking about it. but i did figure out which ones out of the two styles that i liked. so if they do decide i know what i want.

since today was payday :) always a good thing, i decided to do one splurge for the summer, which was buying a new camera!!! yay! i bought the new sony cybershot 10.1 mega pixels. i love love love it. and to make it even better is that its red. :)

starting a new book. my sister's keeper. i have heard its really good. so we will see.

i am pretty tired of this heat, not gonna lie. its soooooooo hot during the day and there is no wind. night is gross too, hard to sleep with all the heat.

this weekend i am off to washington with ginger to go to her home. i'm actually rather excited. we are apparently camping on saturday as well. which should be fun.

learned tonight that my cousin chris is getting shipped to iraq on august 14th... so scary. he seems to be ready and wanting to go.

off to read and sleeeeeeep

so you go hide and i'll come seek

yesterday was a very very loooooong day. i am so glad that its sunday and i have tomorrow off.

yesterday afternoon was ridiculous. i have decided that i dislike one of the rd's very much. she is very rude, inconsiderate, belittling, and unprofessional in her actions around students. i almost lost it yesterday, but i was able to keep my cool and i just walked away. i'm not sure why what she did bothered me so much, but it really did upset me. i ended up talking to lisa about it and she said that because she has been an rd before, she probably felt that she knew what she was talking about, when in all reality she didn't at all. ugh... okay enough.

i have monday off, so i am off to lincoln city to see my roommate. it will be nice to get away from forest grove for a couple days. i need to pack, make sure to remember her retainer, and get directions.

i have finished yet another two books. now i am finally onto the bag of books that my mom brought me. not quite sure where to start since there are so many of them.

i need to clean up my room, put my clothes away, maybe vacuum, pack for lincoln city, and then get the heck out of here. not sure where i am going to go first, but i am just going to get out of here.

off to eat lunch.

an angel who never got wings

today has been the longest day ever.... and its only 8pm.

work today was non-stop. lisa and jean were sure to leave me with a lot to do, which was nice, but a little overwhelming. i finished the fact sheets for saturday. did some rental reference requests. dealt with a credit card from taiwan and some petty cash stuff. got the updated deposit and cancel list, which gave us 10 more apps to house on top of the 4 or 5 we already had. dealt with a few phone calls that no one knew the answer to, including having the same conversation with a guy about the same exact thing that we talked about last week. i attempted to do some stuff with filemaker, which took forever because the stupid database kept freezing on all the computers. i finally just called it quits after i couldn't figure out how to give people lottery numbers to people.

trying to figure out my financial aid, i think i have mostly everything figured out. i need to get rid of the perkins loan that is on my award cause i for sure don't want it.

i got my roommate to read twilight and she is already almost done with it. i gave her my sister's two other books as well. and then i believe that ginger is going to start reading them. i haven't really started reading another book yet because these one's have me captured. but i do have a huge bag of books waiting for me. i think i am going to first read the two sarah dessen books i got. then p.s. i love you. then probably one of the books from the big bag.

i am working on saturday for housing, which actually makes me really happy because i won't have to do ambassador stuff all day, including being at the university at 6:45am. i won't have to be there till 9am. on top of that i will actually be getting paid, which is so wonderful. then i think i am going to head up to vancouver either that night or on sunday morning since i haven't been up there in forever.

off to eat dinner and then finally read.

just like the waves against the sand, over and over and time and time again, your love keeps on reaching out to me

very long 4th of july weekend. meh.

house/dog sitting was good. made some extra money. that was nice. always good to have some extra money on hand. still haven't cashed the check, but i have it.

i got eclipse on thursday. i finally started it on saturday and managed to finish my sunday night. i love edward and bella. and i feel awful for jacob. he definitely grew on me in the third book. august 2nd i should have the 4th book. rather than trying to wait for my sister to read it first i am just going to get my own.

got the three books i ordered forever ago finally today. :] on top of all the books my mom gave me, i should be set for hopefully the rest of the summer. i think my next book will be p.s. i love you. since my roommate finally gave it back to me. then we are going to watch the movie. and cry. since everyone we have talked to has.

alone in the housing office for the next couple of days. i have made myself a to do list so i get everything done, plus i am hoping to find some other stuff to do so i don't get bored. austyn suggested cleaning... haha :]

took a random trip to philomath last night after ginger decided that she needed to drive and get away from forest grove. we were only in town for about an hour, but it was a long enough drive that she decided it would be worth it. and i am going to corvallis tonight with my roommate and sarah to pick up a kayak. good thing i am not driving.

sarah is back from california. makes me happy. :]

off to the business office. then home. then mcminnville. then corvallis.

simply wished one more day with you

weird. having time to blog at work. well i guess i am technically on my lunch break, but i am waiting for ginger to get back so i can actually go and get our food.

we finished stuffing all the housing packets today. well almost all of them. we have to look up all the international addresses in datatel to make sure we address them correctly. so we can avoid what happened last year, almost all of them getting sent back because the address were wrong.

i am excited for tomorrow. took the day off, which means i have a 4 day weekend. :] my mom and sister are coming up to see my house and drop off apparently a very big bag of books for me. including the book i have been waiting all week for. then i think we are going to lunch somewhere.

kelly is coming on friday for the weekend. its also 4th of july too. probably the first year that i am actually not going to be home for it either. weird. i am house/dog/bird sitting for lisa to make some extra money.

lunch time. :]

but i won't hesitate no more

so the new fiscal year at work has begun. and with it brought actual projects and things to do at work. :] finally. we have finally gotten all of the housing packets, all the meal plan brochures, all the fire and safety brochures, the letter i wrote about facebook and myspace, and all the room assignment sheets are printed and labels are printed. now i just have to put everything together and then we can ship them out on the 14th. then comes the worst part... the emails and phone calls... lovely.

thought i was going to get a fan from lisa today for our room... well i got it, but it doesn't actually work. so our room is still super hot all the time no matter how cool the rest of house is.

twilight and new moon by stephanie meyer are my two new favorite books of the summer. now i must wait for my sister to finish eclipse so i can steal it. hopefully i will get it thursday. :] then i am going to have to wait for august 8th for breaking dawn to come out on august 8th. yay. and apparently they are coming out with a twilight movie in december. :]

meh nothing else to say really.

update... breaking dawn is actually coming out on august 2nd, not the 8th. even better. :] and i will for sure get eclipse on thursday. :] :] :]

i'm leaving you, not sure if that's what i should do

the migraine has finally gone away. for the most part anyway. :] thank goodness. still waiting for my magnetic bracelet so hopefully that will prevent future migraines of this sort. i think i should be getting it either tomorrow or friday. hoping tomorrow, but i'm not sure.

took ginger to sushi for the first time tonight. it was rather entertaining to watch her try and eat it. haha. then jamba juice. yum :] we are slowing going to cross hopefully everything off her oregon summer adventure list. so far all we have is tonight. ikea and voodoo donuts this weekend. we have three other road trips already planned, just not sure about when we are actually taking them, but they are planned.

finished greek :] now ready for the fall to come so all my shows come back.

i think i might actually start reading another book. not sure which one i am going to read. i am thinking about going to the forest grove library and seeing what they have for a selection, cause i have read all the books i have in the house. i need something new. oh i really want the new sarah dessen book too.

4th of july weekend i am taking the 3rd off from work. yay. i am staying up here and house/dog sitting for lisa. to make some extra money. kelly is coming down, finally. fireworks somewhere. wine and love letters. haha :] very excited.

exhausted. annoyed. going to take my meds and then sleep.

i've dealt with my ghosts and i've faced all my demons

we are going on a whole week with this migraine. i honestly don't know how to deal with it anymore. very frustrating. went to the doctor's today and all she told me was to take 800mg of ibuprophen 3 times a day. well no shit what do you think i have been doing for the past week. obviously it isn't working. duh. seriously that is all i was told and i was given eye drops for my itchy eyes, which is because of my allergies, not my migraine. i was so mad and annoyed that i even went in. though today my boss lisa told me about these magnetic bracelets that her and her son use to avoid migraines and she said that since they have been wearing them, they have not gotten a migraine. i figured since what i am doing now isn't working i would try something else. so i ordered one and should have it in a couple days. i am hoping it will work.

got my placement assignments for my fall practicum and my student teaching next year. i will be teaching 2nd then 4th grade at terra linda elementary school in portland. although it isn't really portland, more cedar hills area. i am pretty excited about being at that school. but as a whole i am totally scared about student teaching all together. i was reading the little bit of information that they gave us and of the 9 weeks we are required to teach completely solo for a total of 3 weeks. eek. i am sure that is what fall semester is going to be all about in preparing us for it, but i am still scared. not to mention i still have to pass my orela test before any of this. lovely. meh.

this will be the second night that i have brought myself to tears. literally just sitting here one minute and the next i am sobbing. it doesn't help that my allergies are awful or the fact that my migraine is still here.

work tomorrow morning. i am hoping i can make it through tomorrow a little better than i did today. today was really hard.

off to hopefully actually quite possibly maybe sleep.

all i want is the wind in my hair, to face the fear and not be scared

meh... i have been trying to get rid of this migraine for 5 days now. it never really goes away. just isn't as bad at some points and others it kills me. like last night, i couldn't fall asleep cause it hurt so bad. on top of being sick makes it worse. dinner with my parents last night didn't help either with all the noise.

daddy's birthday was yesterday. met them in mcminnville so i could finally get my car back. dinner with them and my grandpa.

i am happy to have my car back. its so shiny. :] and all fixed. thankfully. now all i need to do to it is get it aligned since my dad changed my struts. but that requires $75, so that will have to wait until at least july. good thing i don't drive it that often.

new show addiction. greek thanks to my sister. i know i'm 2 seasons behind, but i'm sure i will be all caught up by fall.

so i learned yesterday that dehydration can cause migraines, so i am trying to drink enough water each day. i feel as though i am always in the bathroom though, which is annoying, but if its going to get rid of this stupid migraine i am willing to try it.

back to work tomorrow. it was rather nice to have a 3 day weekend. now i only have 5.5 days left to take off over the rest of the summer. probably the day before the 4th, then some other time in july and maybe the beginning of august to visit family.

i need to start figuring out what i want for my birthday, since i already have people asking me what i want. less than 2 months away and already asking... goodness. although i have been thinking about it for a while. i know at some point i am going to need a new computer. i don't know what else i want. not really in the mood to think about it.

i should probably go eat something and maybe take some excedrin for this stupid migraine.

i'll open up my heart cause there is nothing to hide

the smell of chocolate chip cookies looms around the house. :] yum.

we are pretty much done with housing applications and room assignments. yay! finally. we are doing some fine tweaking, which might include moving enough rooms in walter to completely shut down an entire wing. lisa is working on some shifting, but i think we might be able to do it, which will be nice. having the new residence hall has really helped with space. we won't have anyone in any of the lounges in walker and clark, which is always a good thing. we are probably going to have some open rooms here in there is almost all of the halls, which hasn't happened since i was a freshman.

tomorrow i am going back home to get my car, which is supposed to be done. i am so glad that my dad is a mechanic and can work on my car. i guess he has been changing a few things around, so we will see how it all turns out. and apparently he has been buffing it so its super shining and not so dull anymore. :] haha.

ginger is coming back tomorrow. yay! i need to call her to see about what time she is going to be here. this means there will be someone else in the office. i'm really excited about it.

off to deal with the cookies and reading my book.

you're all i've ever dreamed of

moved in. :] unpacked. for the most part. :] everything is pretty much situated. finally.

work is going alright. i took friday off, which felt really good. we are assigning the new students roommates right now, which means jean and i are locked in a study room in the library all day going through application after application trying to get them all done. we only have a small stack left, plus the international students, and then i think we are done with the big important part. then there is all the small stuff that goes along with it. lovely.

went home for graduation. man seeing all of them graduate made me feel pretty old. :] got to hang out with jillian on friday, which was really nice, since i am never home and we never see each other. thought my dad was going to be able to fix my car in the 1.5 days that i was home, but it's going to take longer than that, so i have the truck for the week, till sunday when i go back down there for father's day.

speaking of father's day, i need to get my dad his gift for not only father's day but also his birthday, which is the following friday. lovely.

i need to get these containers off the floor and onto the loft area above the closet and bathroom doors. but that would require me to have a ladder and someone tall. i think dani and i need to invest in a little step ladder.

haven't seen sophie or joanne in at least a week, probably longer. sort of sad.

buying graduation cards on friday and i found the cutest card... too bad it was $4.99. that's insane, but it was adorable. :]

since moving in i have had to chance to start reading for the summer. i have already read two books and started another one, but now that i have moved i have no idea where it went. sort of frustrated and annoyed.

maybe i will unpack, maybe watch a movie, maybe try and find my book.