laying here in bed unable to sleep. maybe it's the dripping drain outside my window. maybe it's my heater going on and off keeping the room at a normal temperature rather than the freezing one it's usually at. maybe it's the nightmare i keep having over and over. maybe it's all these thoughts running through my head.
listening to jack's mannequin over and over as i lay here trying to sort through my thoughts. music always seems to help.
as much as i don't want to admit it, i'm scared. far more than i realize i am. i'm scared for monday and the rest of my student teaching. i'm not so scared of the kids but i'm scared of failing. of walking in to that classroom and choking. no matter what anyone has told me, there is that fear in the back of my mind that i can't shake. i'm scared of what post-graduation will bring. or what it might not bring. as much as i am excited to be on my own, the thought of the real world is scary.
i don't think i have been happy happy in a long time. i cannot remember the last time that i was genuinely happy. even being around family it didn't feel complete. don't get me wrong i love my family and being able to spend time with them, but it's just unexplainable i guess. it just seems like something is missing.
things need to... no are going to change come this year. i'm not making a new year's resolution because those always fall through, but mark my word, there will be changes.
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