you're thinking so complicated

i am engulfed with stress right now. i don't even know where to begin.

i am so unorganized right now and its driving me crazy. i have stuff all over the place and half the time i don't know where stuff is. i finally don't have clothes on my floor anymore. the only clothes out now are my roommates that i am borrowing and the jeans i wore today. my school stuff is all over the top of my dresser drawers not organized at all. my bed is finally completely made for the first time in a few days. goodness i can't even think straight.

only a week and a half of classes left and i still have soooooooo much to do. i have my 3 lesson plans due on thursday. still only have one done. paper for friday that was due last week but since we didn't have class i'll turn it in this friday. i've been editing my final project for the past 3 days for my final project in friday's class. i think i am almost done. i just need to find a dvd, which my roommate said she has to put it on there. i have a classroom management report due by the 12th, and mandi's and my final poster presentation we are doing friday after class. then monday's class is over. only my final for art history, which is gonna kill me cause i freaking hate that class and just don't care anymore. tuesday's class still has a lot to do. a purchase report, a math reflection, my portfolio that is gonna take forever to put together and our group final project video which we are filming this weekend. and i think that is all i have left to do. oh goodness....

i can't wait to be done. just to be able to get up and not be stressed or worried about getting stuff done. oh goodness that will be so nice. just working and enjoying summer. :]

meh... i'm venting.

okay time for me to make my to-do list for tomorrow then sleeeeeeeeeep. since i don't get enough.

lets dance in style, lets stay for a while

today is a blah kind of day. nothing productive really, except for maybe going to the store. i took a 2 hour nap and am still tired. tomorrow is going to be a very busy busy and full of so much stuff to do. a lot of homework and i need to start going through all my film for my friday's class final project. i haven't really decided if i am going to use iMovie or windows movie maker. if i use iMovie i have to stay in the bergland hall computer lab and do it. but if i use windows movie maker i can use my computer.

its been really nice having most of the day to myself. sometimes i like the peace and quiet. its just nice to have time away from everyone.

i really need to make a list of all the stuff that i have to do tomorrow and in the next couple weeks. i can't believe that its the end of the semester almost already. its crazy. just a week and a half left of classes and then finals. then summer. :]

you know i hate being one of the last people to turn 21. not to go out and get drunk or anything, but since most of my friends are already 21 they just go out and hang out and its no fun when you can't go.

alright i think i am gonna shower and then maybe find a movie to watch.

madly madly madly tell me that you need me

can't sleep... weird. what's new. ugh. i guess there is so much on my mind to really sleep.

i have got accomplished this weekend though. well sort of i guess. took care of the things that needed to be looked at, filmed for my ed 420 class. i'm not going through the film till later cause i have other projects that are due first. finally sent the outline to patricia for my presentation on thrusday. got all the slides outlined and the artwork found for the presentation. i have also made a list of what else i need to do this weekend: 1)reflection&final micro-teachings for monday and tuesdays class 2) video reflection for tuesday's class 3)art history presentation, summary and paper 4)school survey now that i have most of the information. that's all as far as homework and such.

funny that the children's illustrated book about my author that i thought wasn't going to be useful at all is actually more helpful that i thought. makes me very happy and gives me another source.

i also need to call ann so we can figure out the rest of my schedule for the rest of the semester. and i have a softball game tomorrow at 12... if it isn't snowing. lame. and i need to do some grocery shopping. now that i finally got at least part of my tax return back. :]

new free music = :D :D :D

happy i am not working for housing on monday night. i am not sure i could have handled another night with bitchy freshman complaining about not getting into burlingham or the new dorm. or people who are just plain dumb and need to be treated as a child to get the information in their mind correctly. goodness people you are adults in college... you really need to grow up and start acting like it. okay i'm done.

i should probaby try and get some sleep tonight.

waited and i waited the longest night

only tuesday and already overloaded... oh boy. looooooong stressful week ahead with more to come.

projects are starting to pile up. i now have a big project for every single one of my classes.... some of my classes have more than one. :( videos, presentations, papers, portfolios... i don't want to think about any of it. i just want to get in my car and runaway.

i thankfully found out, thanks to jillian and me actually calling and talking to the clemens foundation, that i will still be getting my scholarship for next year. even though they changed the guidelines, those guidelines are starting with the class of 2008 and the current recipients are going to be grandfathered in until they are done with school. so i am happy about that. i was getting worried as to whether i was going to have to take out more loans, which i really didn't want to do. so as of now i actually might take out less of a loan next year, which will be good. :]

i do need to figure out if clemens helps out with graduate schools, i can't remember if they did or not. i thought i heard that they did, but since the rules have changed i figured i better find out now so i know for sure.

tomorrow is going to be a very long day.... at fern hill for teaching at 8:45 till like 12, then i need to pick up my paycheck and put it in the bank, i need to call the health center and my doctor at home to make an appointment, i need to work on my art history presentation stuff, my ed 420 midterm, i need to call my aunt about saturday and then i am working from 4:30 till midnight. then after that i am gonna crash. good thing i don't have class thursday till 1pm. :]

i am so tired for some reason. i really do think i need to get that looked at. no matter how much sleep i get whether it be 5 hours or 10 hours i am always tired. its so hard to get up in the morning no matter what. its about time to get my thyroid checked again so it might be that. or anemia. bleh.

a shower is calling my name. and maybe some reading. or some svu or csi. :]

everyone believes but their not going easily

a mix of emotions... all running through my head and i'm not sure how to sort through all of them. so many things to think about and not enough time.

only 4 weeks of class left. :] actually pretty happy about it. although i have a lot of things to do. including papers, a zillion projects and presentations. presentation and paper for art history on top of the final. project and presentation luckily with mandi for mondays class. and i have one more micro teaching tomorrow. lots of little assignments and my portfolio for tuesdays class. lesson plans and presentation for thursdays class. a few assignments and a video project and presentation for friday's class. gonna be busy.

lu'au this year was fun. my parents came up. my sister was supposed to as well but she had softball, which didn't actually happen since the team didn't show up, but there is still next year. it was a lot of fun.

we got the house! we signed the lease last friday. i am really excited. it should be a lot of fun. :] now we just need to figure out what furniture we need from my parent's storage unit and then we will be good to go. weird we had to pay our june's (1st months rent) already and its only april. oh well i guess. i won't have to worry about it later i guess.

one thing i am really worried about is my financial stability for next year regarding paying for school. i qualified for the clemens scholarship, which is a very nice scholarship from home that pays for college equal to the books and tuition of oregon state. well over the years the clemens foundation has changed its qualifications for students to receive the scholarship. that is what they have done again just recently. apparently now you have to be a second-generation student and they will only give you the scholarship if you go to a certain school; schools that are conservative private universities that make the list; one's that aren't community colleges, state schools, or liberal private universities.

"To receive Clemens grants, students must now be a second-generation resident of one of these communities, and attend a conservative private college from an approved list or a trade, vocational or medical school. Students attending public colleges or universities are no longer eligible for the grants, with the exception of some students who enroll in trade or vocational courses."

this makes me so angry. i mean i understand that the foundation can do what they want with their money and its their decision to change it and really the community has no say in anything, but honestly making all of these changes is ridiculous. i, personally, have lived in philomath since i was 6 weeks old and have been raised in a timber family with my great grandparents, my grandparents and my father all working within the industry. i was lucky to receive the scholarship because of my families background, but just because my parents didn't graduate from philomath and i chose to go to a liberal arts private university, not being liberal myself, i no longer am eligible. somehow i don't find that right. ugh.

i really don't wanna work on homework. no motivation = bad.

i need to go grocery shopping for a few things, but that requires money that i don't have at the moment... crap. but i will have to go anyways.... winco it is.

so much to do. ugh. meh. blargh.

heaven can wait, we're only watching the skies, hoping for the best but expecting the worst

wednesdays help me stay sane. they help me take a step back and breathe. help me refocus my thoughts.

speaking of thoughts... i have been all over the place lately. trying to focus on school and all the work i have to do, but my mind has been elsewhere... on things i really don't have control over but can't help thinking about. it's really hard and sometimes it just consumes me.

taught my first lesson today in my field experience classroom. it was a little rough... being that there are 3 students who are a handful and require a lot of special attention, far more than only one teacher can give. so what turned into a 50 minutes reading lesson ended in around 2 hours... lets just say that is something i am not looking forward to.

i guess that is one of the many things that scares me about teaching. me not being able to control my classroom and getting nothing accomplished. me not being prepared enough. or me just failing all together. i know i have a whole year left, half of it being my student teaching so 5 months of practice, but it still scares me.

finished one of my many lesson plans i have to write over the next few days. i am actually pretty excited for this lesson. it should be a lot of fun. :] now i need to write my one on poetry and limericks but that would require i book which i still need to go hunt down. which means i need to walk over to the library and hope that they have it.

so my wonderful bruise that i got while playing in my softball game is getting bigger and darker daily. i have this nice lump in the center of it that hurts really bad. and it doesn't help when people touch it either... like little 2nd grade boys. i really wanted to scream at him today, but i didn't, my mentor teacher sent him to the principals office instead since that was his third strike.

this weekend is going to be fun. well part of it at least. i get to see my parents and they are coming to lu'au with me and dani. well more like dani is coming with us, since my sister can't come cause of stupid soccer. but its still gonna be fun. the other half is gonna consist of doing a lot of homework and projects... not so much fun.

new favorite song = forever young by youth group. listening to it over and over. :]

okay i need to make my way to the library to hopefully find that book so i can write my next lesson plan. and then hopefully start working on my take-home midterm for friday's class.

meh... <3

unbroken

i was looking on youtube last night because i was bored and i ran across this video. its a short film staring rachel bilson. its called, "unbroken" and its rachel's psa on rape. its really intense, but its a look at what people really go through. i haven't personally gone through something like this but i have friends who have and i feel this message is important.

i haven't done this in a while so i don't know what to say

i have something on my mind that i want to be able to talk about. ever since this afternoon when i heard about it i have wanted to talk to someone about it. i came close tonight but i just couldn't do it. i know its important and the severity of it scares me to death, but i don't know what to say. i don't know how to bring it up and every time i think about it i break down and cry. last night when i was teary eyed for no reason maybe it was because i knew something wasn't right, but honestly i never imagined it was going to be this. i honestly don't know what to do or even say.

i don't open up to a lot of people, maybe that's why its hard to talk something like this. i am scared of what might happen if i open up to someone.

i'm scared to lose you more than you know. you have been my rock, my saving grace, my angel and without you i would be lost. i can't say i know what you're going through because i don't, but you have to know that i will always be there for you no matter what. i love you with all my heart. i can't imagine life without you.

i'm worried. scared. afraid. and somehow i feel all alone.