all of a sudden i miss everyone

today ended up being a very blah day. i think the highlight of my day was my walk/playing in the snow this afternoon. :) even if i was cold and my socks fell off in my boots it was still fun to walk around and play in the snow. minus getting hit in the face with a snowball one too many times.

other than that i haven't had the energy to do anything. 2.5 hours of sleep isn't enough. i miss getting more than 5 or 6 hours of sleep. i am thinking that once i go back to work i am going to find a doctor over in clackamas and make an appointment to try and figure out what is wrong. because this is getting ridiculous, not mention i think work. 2.5 hours is the least i have slept in the last two months. i want to be able to get over this on my own, but i am starting to get more and more frustrated with it, which probably isn't helping the fact that i already don't sleep enough. maybe my vacation that starts tomorrow will help with this lack of sleep, maybe.

there is so much that i want to write, but my thoughts are so jumbled that i can't keep them straight and they are all trying to spill out at once. i just need to be able to focus and write everything down. maybe that would help me sort through my feelings and understand them better.

i think why i have felt crappy for the last couple days is i am afraid of getting stuck. there are so many people in my life that are doing so many great things with their lives and i feel like i am getting set in my ways and i am getting stuck. i don't want to settle for less and i want to leave my mark on this place. i want to do something that matters. i want to make a difference.

i think a lot of how i feel is the fact that i miss so many people. i feel like i am constantly missing someone. whether it is my roooooomate, friends from college or high school, or family. most of all i miss my roommate. i miss being able to call her or actually see her anytime i want.

off to attempt to sleep. or read. or sort through my thoughts.

oh you forced me to become strong when i just craved being weak

this day officially is a terrible day and it's not even noon yet. i would like it to be over already. please.

total hours of sleep last night: 2.5 hours. the worst amount of sleep i have gotten since this whole sleep problem started. i tossed and turned and couldn't get comfortable. i even went out on to the couch and tried to close my eyes there, but got too cold. i read a little, watched a tv show. granted i have a pretty good indication as to why i slept like crap this night, or at least what helped me sleep worse than i already do.

you, my so called friend, can go take a flying leap off a bridge for all i care. that pretty much sums up how i feel about you and our "friendship". i don't have to deal with this and i don't plan to. i'm done with everything. just go away forever.

because i got such little sleep i have no energy to do anything but just lay here and attempt to sleep more, which is very unlikely to happen. this sucks. today is such a useless day. boo

so i'll come back to you someday

this christmas was completely insane. but so worth it. :) three christmas's is a little bit hectic, but it reminds me of my childhood and makes me smile.

christmas eve was ridiculous. the whole day. i got about 3 hours of sleep. had to be at work at 7am. luckily it was a slow day, so i was able to leave earlier than i thought, which didn't help much since there was an accident, so i was still almost late to dinner. and got yelled at for it. go figure. stupid old lady. haha needless to say i was working on 3 hours of sleep and ended up being up for 21 hours. boo. and i stillll slept like crap. seriously my internal body clock hates me hardcore. my other two christmas's were much better than christmas eve. :)

my vacation out of oregon can't come soon enough. i just need to get away from oregon for more than just a day. i need to clear my head from all mess that it has become and i need to refocus and get back on track. and i will have help, thanks to ginger. she is just going to slap me into focus. haha :) that's why i keep her around.

this whole not thinking about you thing failed epically so far. if you would just leave me alone and stop talking to me it would help. i have asked you nicely and if it does not work i am going to get mean. this whole thing is crap. you have a funny way of showing being sooooo worried about our friendship. meh... also why i need to get the hell out of oregon. asap. goodness you suck.

so this not sleeping thing is annoying and thanks to jillian i have some tips to try and help. so i am gonna put up my curtains that i have had since i moved in and never put up. hoping to block out more light. it's a small thing, but maybe it will help. seeing how i have a street lamp right outside my window. we will see if i can actually get them up and if that helps. i'm hoping so, even if it's a little.

i feel that i should start repacking stuff for washington. i technically never really unpacked most of my stuff from my first trip, but i don't have a lot of anything else to do. or maybe i will read my new books. or there is always more desperate housewives.

dinner first. what to cook?

from falling apart to fighting mad, to wanting you back to not giving a damn, i've felt it all

hello vacation... how i have been looking forward to seeing you. for the next 10 days. :D it will be wonderful. :) it will be bliss.

got off work early, which was nice. :) seeing how i had to be there at 7. gross. i hate getting up that freaking early. when i went to start my car this morning there was ice of course, but it was "glittering" too. it was little tiny flakes that looked like glitter. maybe that means there will be snow... that would be wonderful, even though i am going to get my snow next week. :)

my goal for my break is to get this sleep problem figured out so i actually sleep more than 3 hours like i did last night. the fact that i had to be up at 4:30 sucked anyways... but on top of that not to be able to sleep worth crap is frustrating. this has been going on long enough that i am starting to get used to not sleeping and functioning on 4 or less hours of sleep, but that doesn't mean that i like it. boo.

my other goal for break is to not have to think about you. i was doing so well with not talking to you at all and then you decide to go and mess everything up. and saturday didn't help either, but i think that was more my fault than yours, but i still blame you. i think it was better when we weren't talking at all. and then you go and pull the "i miss talking to you" crap. good lord, would you please make up your mind and stick to it. i don't need or want to deal with this and you can't have your cake and eat it too (cliche i know, but it fits) i just to get over this whole thing and not have a constant reminder of everything all the time. just figure it out and then keep it to yourself. i don't wanna hear it. vent over. i feel a little better.

i also don't have to think about lesson plans for the entire month of january, cause they are pretty much done. my co-teacher and i rock. :) the week we get back, everything is set. the only thing i need to actually do is reserve books at the library to pick them up.

i need a haircut super bad. another goal for my break. guess i should call and make an appointment for monday or tuesday before i peace out for the rest of the week. :)

wednesday through saturday should be a nice stress reliever. plus it will keep my mind occupied and hopefully clear of all things negative. here's hoping for that.

off to figure out how to get warm, a much needed nap and prepare myself for a dinner full of drama and ridiculousness. i am going to need a good bottle of wine to handle this dinner. no joke.

i run my life, or is it running me, i run my past, i run to fast or too slow it seems

goodness this is a short week, but its a super super busy week. seriously. i have so much to do before thursday morning. eek.

even though i am not getting paid for 6 days of work, my boss is amazing and is letting me work as much as possible this week to make up for the fact that i haven't made my 90 day grace period and am not getting paid for the holiday. so i worked 40 extra minutes yesterday and i plan to take her up on the offer, even though i am going to be soooo tired. oh well. i need the money.

i can't wait for the rest of this week. even though i have to work through christmas eve, i am still excited. :) i loooove christmas. and i get three seperate christmas' this year. one with my dad's side of the family, the immediate family and then my mom's side of the family. it's like i am a little kid all over again. thankfully though there is less travel involved. :) and i do have to say i am not looking forward to dinner with my dad's side of the fam, cause that will include joyce's side of the family as well. ugh. that's drama just waiting to happen. i will be bringing my own bottle of wine for myself, so i will be able to make it through the evening. and see how i will be coming straight from work i am going to need it. especially to put up with not only joyce but her family as well. maybe i should bring two... haha :)

i do have to say i am looking forward to christmas in washington though. :) it's going to be wonderful. especially since all of us are going to be able to be there. that hasn't happened in years.

new years in washington as well. i am taking the train for the first time ever. not gonna lie, i'm a little nervous. at least i will not be flying by myself. i would probably have a panic attack. which sounds pathetic, but it's true. i am excited to my little vacation. plus it gives me an excuse in case something else specific comes up. haha :) i'm terrible i know, but i'm okay with it in this situation.

i'm ready for bed already, but have so much more to do still.

some pages turned, some bridges burned, but there were lessons learned

lack of sleep is starting to make me really angry. i have a feeling that because i don't get enough sleep at night i am going to lash out at someone for no reason at all. i am just tired of being tired allll the time. it's getting really old.

i think i am done with my christmas shopping. except for one of my mom's gifts, which has proved to be absolutely impossible to find. i think i went to like 8 different stores yesterday and they either didn't carry it or they only carried the original one and not the one i actually needed. so frustrating. i went online and found it on ebay but i am not sure i would trust getting it from there. meh. i think it's a lost cause. great.

yesterday... oh goodness that's a whole different story. i honestly don't even know where to start. let's just put it this way, seeing you today set me back. i feel like i have to start back at square one and honestly i am not okay with that. i was doing just fine before yesterday.

wrapping presents is the goal for today. since i finished shopping yesterday i need to get on the wrapping part. i have a bag of things that need to be wrapped. i do have one more place to go before i can be completely done with three of my presents.

off to be productive and enjoy my sunday.

lay your money on the sun until you crash what have you done

you would think that since i got 4 hours of sleep last night that i would be passed out asleep. well i feel like that, but i have been lying here wide awake for a good 45 mins already. this is total crap. i want this sleep problem to freaking go away already... seriously. ugh.

i got two more presents almost completed. need to add some finishing touches on them, but for the most part they are done. :) thankfully. sent the greatest present ever out today on my lunch break. i am so excited. haha and it isn't even for me.

i was doing so well until you popped back up. seriously, you would think that you would actually get the hint and go away. apparently not. seriously i think i am going to have to start being mean or rude or something. or just flat out tell you to get the hell away from me. let's hope it doesn't come to that.

i neeeeeeed a massage. my shoulders are killing me. probably cause i was holding one of my students for a good portion of the day cause she didn't feel good. and then walking in the door to a 7 year old and a 2 year old jumping on you really doesn't help. although they do make me smile.

a good 10 mins after i walked in the door, i did manage to pull out another one of savannah's teeth. apparently i am the only one that she will let touch her teeth. i love it. two teeth down so far.

i am thinking about teaching english abroad somewhere. rooooommate mentioned it today and i have always wanted to go abroad and i figure i can go abroad and see some of the world, and get paid to do it. :) i think it would be a lot of fun. and a great experience. guess we will see.

i am hoping for more sleep, or at least less times awake for no apparent reason. and i do get to sleep in. all the more reason to sleep more.

clearing my mind and hoping to sleep.

though you say i could be your answer, nothing lasts forever no matter how it feels today

today was an interesting day. i taught by myself without my co-teacher for the first time today. it made me missing teaching by myself, granted there is no way i would be able to handle all of my kids by myself. i would probably go insane.

granted as much as i enjoyed teaching by myself, i definitely missed having serena there. so glad she will be back tomorrow, seeing how tomorrow is going to be the longest day ever.

more christmas shopping after work. equals another present done and a giant present pretty much completed as well. i am so excited to put it together. tomorrow after work will consist of getting 3 or possibly 5 more presents out of the way. :) which means i am only going to have 2 or 3 left and then i am done. wonderful. then all the wrapping.

i think what made today better was that my mind was completely occupied for pretty much the whole day. i think there were only two times at which i started to think about what i really shouldn't and i held back and avoided as much as possible. i feel that if i do that long enough it will all just go away and it won't bother me at all, i guess till then it will be a day by day thing.

i was also reminded today how much i love my friends. :) they are there when i need them and i am reminded of what i truly deserve. i love them.

seeing how it's almost 11 i guess i should actually attempt to sleep. this should be interesting. i wish i knew why i couldn't sleep. hoping my medicine will actually work this time... i definitely didn't last night. here's hoping.

chances are only what we make them and all I need

new music makes me happy. probably more than it should, but it's better than the alternative.

i seriously need a long vacation away. a vacation from work. a vacation from the commute. a vacation away from my apartment. a vacation away from this state really. a vacation away from my mind. the last one would help so much. sometimes it would be nice to have an off button for specific parts, that way i wouldn't have to actually think about specific things.

things are a little more organized. i at least have the piles off my floor, well minus the pile of bags of christmas and birthday presents i bough yesterday. finally did my laundry to full completion. seriously it was getting a little bit ridiculous. but thankfully the last load is in the dryer and should be done in a bit. i still feel completely and totally lost with the rest of it.

still not done with gifts, but i am getting there. hoping to get some more tomorrow after work. kenzie's presents for christmas and birthday are done. kelly's is done. savannah and sierra's are done. part of jillian's. i know what i am getting ginger and kathy, i just need actually go and get them. still not sure about the parentals. and then i think i only have two or three more presents to worry about.

i decided that i really want a desk in my room. not sure where i would put it, but i feel lost without one. granted i didn't really have one my whole senior year of college, if you don't include the kitchen table or the counter that dani and i both took over a lot. or the living room floor. if i decide to get a desk i am going to have to rearrange my room, which could be fun, minus the ridiculous heavy dresser.

i think keeping my mind occupied at all times is helping. honestly if i just keep it busy thinking about everything else i don't start to think about the ridiculousness of everything else. i was reminded today of how much i love my best friends. they always know what to say to make me feel better. and they have my back too. :) i just need to keep busy and reread the love.

"there's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything,
but it's not giving up. it's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap"

"never say you're happy when you're sad.
never say you're okay when you're not!!
and don't you ever say you're alone when i'm alive!"
(i got the last one in a text message out of the blue from a friend i hadn't talked to in months. it honestly couldn't have come at a more perfect time.)

off to attempt to sleep a whole night... a girl can hope.

you got me runnin' baby, wild at heart

i neeeed to be able to sleep through the night without waking up in the middle of the night 4 or 5 times having nightmares and unable to take a full breath. it's getting really old and i am tired of always being tired. i can't ever get a full nights sleep. it probably has to do with the zillion different things i have on my mind right now.

i have figured out why the whole situation with you bothers me so much. i told you my deepest and darkest secret, that i have only told 3 people, because i trusted you. and now, now that this whole situation makes me feel like i made a mistake by telling you. i wish you never knew about it. i feel like you look at me different because of it. and because you are you, i can't tell you any of this.

i feel like i have ruined a perfectly good friendship and all for one thing. and i know things will never be the same and that's what i don't like. not at all.

lesson planning a whole month at a time is so frustrating. i feel overwhelmed and like my brain is being pulled in a zillion different directions.

tomorrow is going to be a day of waiting. waiting for results and answers to all of the questions. i hate waiting. i am impatient. that phone call can't come soon enough tomorrow.

i need to sleep. and i need to feel better about all of this. and i need to leave. and i need to be told everything is going to be okay.

in the end close is all there is but you won't find this

story of my life... carrie underwood's new cd, "play on" pretty much sums it up. seriously.

Run, run, run away don’t let him mess with your mind
He’ll tell you anything you wanna hear
He’ll break your heart it’s just a matter of time

I unapologize
I meant every word
Won't take back the way I feel about you
I can't unsay what you heard
'Cause you heard me right
And I won't try to fight em' back, or hide my feelings for you
I unapologize.

I hate to think all you had of me
(I said all I had to say)
Is a memory I left you,
Space between what was mean to be
(In letters I threw away)
And the mess that it turned into

Play on
When you're losing the game, play on
'Cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth the sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on

Even when the flood gates swing wide open
Never let the currents take you down, no
Even when you're not sure where you're going
Swimming through a mess, and you can't get out
Just going through the motions, and trying not to drown

And I'm not sorry that it's over
But for the way we let it end
So I said all I had to say
In letters that I threw away


totally how i feel right now. there are time when i find myself playing this song on repeat.

"Undo It"

I should have known by the way you passed my by
There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right
I should have walked, but I never had the chance
Everything got out of hand, and I let it slide
Now I only have myself to blame
For falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be the way it was before I saw your face

You stole my happy
You made my cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy, you blew it
You put me through it
I wanna Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh undo it

Now your photos don't have a picture frame
And I never say your name, and I never will
And all your things, well I threw 'em in the trash
And I'm not even sad
Now you only have yourself to blame
For playing all those stupid games
You're always gonna be the same
Oh no, you'll never change

You stole my happy
You made my cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy, you blew it
You put me through it
I wanna Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh undo it

You want my future
You can't have it
I'm still trying to erase you from my past
I need you gone so fast

You stole my happy
You made my cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy, you blew it
You put me through it
I wanna Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh undo it

i unapologize, i meant every word, won't take back the way i feel about you

i am the most accident prone person i know. i constantly have new bruises that show up that i have no idea where they come from. in the weirdest places too. like the back of my arm or on my hip. i have noticed i have a lot more scratches on my hands too, probably from my kids. and to add to my collection of wounds is a purple pinky fingernail. it's just wonderful.

kathy and i went ice skating today cause we thought it would be fun. i relearned that i am a terrible ice skater and have no balance skills whatsoever. i think we were like maybe 5 or 10 mins in and i crashed. luckily that was my only fall, but my finger hurts like no other. i have bumped it i don't even know how many times already. this should make work fun this week. haha

only one load of laundry this week. how exciting is that. but i do have a load that really needs to be folded. i used my last pair of socks today, which means alllll my socks are clean, just not sorted or folded or put away. i just have no energy to actually sit down and do it.

i need to finish lesson plan stuff. including the computer station stuff we haven't figured out yet. good thing it's only going to take me like an hour to do what i have to. hopefully at least.

i need to go through and clean my room. it's starting to annoy me. which is a sign it's time to clean. this all just makes me want to crawl in bed. i know it needs to be done and it's going to drive me crazy till i do it, but the thought of actually doing it just drains me of all my energy. that's what i get for letting it get this backed up. boo.

new music always makes me happy. :) new carrie underwood. along with random other songs that make me happy.

i'm ready for a vacation. ready to just go somewhere where it is peaceful and just relax and take my mind off of everything; work, money, student loans, guys, just everything. can christmas break be here already. that would be grand. sadly this year i only get a week instead of a month. oh well, gotta work.

speaking of christmas... omg there are stores that are already playing christmas music. it's insane. and allll the christmas stuff is up. helloooo it's no even thanksgiving yet. seriously.

speaking of laundry, i need to pull out all my winter stuff and hang it up. i think i am going to need more hangers. plus more socks. oh and i need warmer gloves. mine fail. i also need to invest in more long sleeve shirts. i can't seem to find any that i like, which is frustrating, since i am going to need to start wearing them soon. my classroom is soooo cold cause we are the back room with the back side of the building, which is a wall of nothing but windown, which makes it super cold in the winter time. also why i wear a scarf everyday all day.

i think after i get my laundry done and get things back in order i might just crawl into bed and actually read. i haven't done that in forever. i have so many books i need to read. like at least 4 i can see from where i am at right now.

lesson plans, laundry and dinner.

go on go on break my heart, i'll be okay, i'm fearless, better believe i'm fearless

this last week has been a rough week. so many things going on. just glad that it's a new week. let's just hope for a better week with less stress and less drama. one can only hope.

i now have worked the new job for 7 days. :) so far, minus the one child who drives me crazy, i love it. it's in my field and i am gaining experience. so we will see how things will go in the next few weeks. probably more updates.

thursday did happen to be a very stressful day. it was picture day, which meant we had far more children than we usually did. no only did we have more children, but since we did, everyone decided to be super wild, which lead to a child not only hitting me and kicking me nonstop, but he managed to bite me and scratch me hard enough to make me bleed. lovely child i work with.

i am sad that it is 3:30 on a sunday afternoon, that means that the work week starts tomorrow at 5:30 in the morning. boo. the countdown begins to friday. haha

now if i could just get my laundry done before the week starts, possibly some food made so i will have lunches for the week that aren't boring. i also need to finish lesson planning.

right where i was supposed to be

i can't believe today is already sunday. boo for short weekends. i think that is something i am going to miss about not having a steady full time job. all the time. although there was a downside to it as well... i had way too much time on my hands. once my schedule gets all figured out it will be nice to have a set routine.

i have to go in earlier tomorrow, but it works cause i usually get there around that time anyways... haha :) let's just hope that traffic isn't terrible and i will be able to make it there without going insane. that's the goal anyways.

laundry day. oh joy. i need to wash both my bright blue and lime green work shirts before tomorrow. i also have a ton of laundry that i have been meaning to do all week, just haven't really gotten around to it i guess. maybe it's because i make it home at night and all i want to do is eat dinner and then crash in bed. hopefully once the schedule is fully set i will know what time i will be getting home better and i will be able to figure out things. till then who knows.

i haven't been sleeping well. go figure. me not sleeping well. i was doing good for awhile, but then it just came back. i wake up a few times every night and have trouble falling back asleep. and i have woken up really sore in the morning. my back has been bothering me a lot lately and my shoulders are all out of wack, which is so frustrating. it makes it very hard to do anything without being in a lot of pain. ugh.

i wish i had room for a desk in my room. i am sure if i moved things around i could put one in here, but i don't want my room to be super crowded. i've been in rooms that are so crowded that have desks and i don't like that. i want to have room. so for now i think i will just have to deal with no desk and use the kitchen table like i have been. now if only we could get a couch. we have been looking, but nothing has panned out so far. it's frustrating.

i need to do some shopping at some point. i am running out of laundry detergent which is bad cause i have a ton of laundry to do. eek. i also need some more food, since i need to make lunches and such for the week. i just don't have the energy to do so today. i am drained from yesterday.

oh yesterday... my cousin chris got married yesterday. no one is sure why they rushed into the wedding and planned it in a week, but they did. i am happy for both chris and ada. :)

i am still waiting for my phone call that i was supposed to get yesterday. go figure. and i will continue to wait and if that means that plans fall through so be it. i did my part.

off to deal with laundry and figure out something to eat.

you got through to me, oh nobody could do that

first day of work at the new job down. let's just say that i am going to enjoy it, but i am going to be exhausted all the time and i am pretty sure i am going to have no social life. scratch that... i am going to make sure i have a social life. otherwise i am going to go insane.

i think the worst thing about my job is the commute, which everyone who i have talked to told me it would be. and so did i. but honestly there isn't anything i can do about it. i can't break my lease, cause that would cost to much not to mention leave kelly a roommate down, not that she couldn't have ben move in, since he is over here all the time anyways. haha. i am just going to have to get used to it and once the lease is up in like a year and 3 months, then i can think about moving, if i even have this job that long... haha. :)

i think this blog will be more updated more frequently starting now. i am going to need to vent and of course share all of the ridiculous stories i have. speaking of ridiculous stories.

i have a child who is autistic in my class and on top of that he has diabeties. i feel so bad for him, but he is a crack up most of the time. though there are times when he could be more calm. anyways... i learned today that he has an excellent memory. and he shared this with me by reading the hungry catepiller, without even looking at the book. i had the book in my had and i was turning the page and he was off on the other side of his sleeping mat not looking at the book, but totally reading it word for word. it was so cute. i heard that story 5 times today.

another thing i am probably not going to like about being in the classroom that i am in is the changing of the 3 children who are still working on potty training. i will not get over the fact that i have to change pull-ups. i think i gagged like 4 times today. i will not share those stories... not fun. let's just put it that way.

i have a 40 page new employee manual to read and highlight the important facts and information i am going to need to remember. i also have to fill out three more pages of paperwork, plus i need to figure out where i hid my social security card to bring it in for more paperwork tomorrow. lovely.

my soup is ready. i am going to enjoy it, possibly watch a tv show and then totally crash hard core.

and i wonder if i ever cross your mind

it still blows me away how much has changed over the past two days. i have to stop and think about it every once in a while. i can honestly say that i didn't see it coming and never thought things would have ended up the way they did. well like kathy said, at least things are over and done with. :) finally someone i could confide in who would understand.

"it's a quarter after one
i'm all alone
and i need you now
said i wouldn't call
but i lost all control
and i need you now
and i don't know how i can do without
i just need you now"

i can honestly say that i don't ever want to go through those song lyrics. especially not giving recent events. i hope that i am smart enough to realize that, but sometimes i just question myself.

possible change of plans in the personal life. we will see after tomorrow. updates to come!

off to eat the spongebob squarepants mac and cheese kelly made me. :)

i wanna do something that matters say something different

i have a job. :) it's only part time, but it's totally better than nothing. i will be working in aloha at the us bank branch there. i was offered the position on friday and now i am going through all the paperwork. oh joy. i also have to fill out paperwork and get fingerprinted, again. this time for the bank and not the school district, so apparently it's different. ugh. it's in the same county so they should be able to use the same ones. oh well. i also learned i have to go to downtown portland to get these said fingerprints done. even more ridiculous. i hate driving downtown portland. maybe i can get someone to go with me so i am not so stressed about it. haha

just finished my two week long sub job in the kindergarten/preschool classroom. minus the child who decided it would be a good idea to sit inside the toilet with his poop, things were good. now i just have to wait for another call, which who knows when that will be.

came home to the largest pile of laundry ever. that's on the list to do. along with the dishes, cleaning out the bad food from the fridge, grocery shopping, vacuuming my room, and then i think baking. i am craving brownies. haha.

chang's at some point this week with lisa, jean and ryan to celebrate my new job. :)

need to figure out what i am going to do with the tv that megan gave me. i am not sure it is actually bigger than kelly's, which means i now have two tv's with really nothing to do with them. i could hook one up in my room, but i don't have a shelf that would fit it, so until i either get one or find someone to buy the tv i have two tv's.

we are stilllll looking for a couch. we had a maintenance guy come in and fix our alarm system today and he laughed and asked how long we had been here and then said that we should invest in a couch. so that will probably be the next investment.

i'm not quite sure how i feel about last night and this morning, but i guess we will see. not sleeping is getting to me. but at least i feel a little better, minus my stomach ache, which i am hoping goes away soon.

off to deal with laundry and attack the dishes and the kitchen.

i follow the signs so clearly and still they catch me

work is good. :) it's nice to be back working with kids. though i did forget how tiring it was. :) new schedule starting tomorrow. working till 5:30, which sucks since i have to commute back to hillsboro, but it's more hours so i can't complain.

slowly switching over banks. tired of dealing with chase. hopefully by next week i will never have to again. one can only hope. speaking of which, i need to go deposit my check and the cash i took out yesterday on my way home from work. meh.

i have been making lists like crazy. grocery lists, to do lists, places needing to be called. things i need, things i want, things i wish i could have. places i need to go. they are everywhere. haha

still waiting for the phone call from us bank. i got one call, but haven't heard anything since. supposedly i am for sure getting a call, but i guess i just have to wait and see when that is going to be. i hate waiting. it shows how much of an impatient person i am, which i am. and then the interview... which i am terrible at. well at least i think so. meh.

off to the grocery store for dinner stuff among other things. :)

but i promise just to follow when i land

job searching = a pain in the neck, frustrating and overwhelming.

i am so tired of job searching. every place i have had an interview with said that i need more experience before they could hire me. i don't understand how the heck i am supposed to get experience, if no one hires me. i think i am going to have to result in applying for substitute positions in all the school districts, even though that isn't what i wanted to do. now i am just worried that they aren't going to be hiring, which i really hope isn't the case. i have the phone number i need, now if it was only tomorrow already.

i also need a social life. i feel that since graduation i don't see anyone and since i am not working at the moment i don't even leave the apartment expect to check the mail, take the trash out or for a job interview; which isn't going well. ugh.

substituting isn't that bad i guess. i mean it gives me experience, which is apparently what i need. the bad thing is that it is so inconsistent. i guess it will keep me motivated to find something on the side or more permanent.

ugh... off to find something productive to do. laundry, dishes, nap... whatever works i guess.

we can't forget these are the days

my car is a piece of crap. enough said.

stranded yet again because it overheated. this time we think it was because the thermostat was broken. so needless to say what was supposed to be a trip to ikea to spend my gift card ended up being a 6 hour trip that only got us to the parking lot of ikea and we ended up in washington for a good two hours. lame. thankfully we were able to hopefully fix it and sophie and i made it safely back to our homes.

now the real test will be tomorrow when i drive it during the day and heat to see if that really was the problem or if there is something else wrong with my car. if that's the case i am going to lose it. can't afford a broken car right now.

so before you say you're going to i should probably let you know i never knew what i had

i can honestly say that there isn't really one good thing about not having a job. nope... nothing. other than permanent relaxing, which honestly gets boring after a while. seriously. i need to find a job asap or i am not only going to go broke, but i am going to go insane from all this free time on my hands.

i am having to redo my resume so now i am going to have two different ones, depending on the job i am applying for. lame. i hate writing resume's. they are such a pain. i just wish it would write itself. that would make things so much more easier.

i need to start finding things to do that are free. or low low low cost. and things that will get me out of my apartment. or things are going to be super clean allll the time and i am going to run out of thngs to organize. haha. luckily sophie and i are going to be able to go on a hike this weekend. :) it will get us both out of our apartments and get us to do something. i also think i am going to go to washington to see my aunt and cousins. maybe she will be able to help me with my resume and the us bank stuff.

dinner tonight with some friends will be good cause i will have some human interaction. :) haha and hopefully i will have plenty of that during the weekend. :) make up for the lack of it during the week i guess.

why does this economy have to suck so bad. it makes it ten times harder to find a job. makes it much more stressful. ugh. now i am just complaining.

another thing that we stilllll need for the apartment is a couch. our living room is still fairly empty, which is frustrating. and just plain annoying. hopefully something will come through sooooon. it would be nice to have some place to sit other than the kitchen table and my bed. haha.

off to find something to eat, ikea with sophie, dinner with ginger. :) at least i am trying to stay busy.

and even though i cry like crazy, even though it hurts so bad, i'm thankful for the time god gave me, even if he couldn't make it last

finally have internet in the apartment. only through a cable right now, but soon, like tomorrow there will be wireless in the apartment. thank goodness. :) slowly this is looking like an apartment. now if we could only find a couch then it would look much more like an apartment. :)

it's been a long time since i have posted anything. it's been crazy since graduation. i have been working all summer on campus in the housing department. that ends this friday. which means that i need to find another job. i am waiting for my confirmation number from the criminal history registry database from the state of oregon. then there is a big chance of a preschool job in clackamas. but it's just the waiting game right now.

dani leaves for indonesia on friday. that means i am not going to see her for over a year. i don't even know what i am going to do. i will miss her so much. :( but i am excited for her.

i think if i stay unemplyed for long i am going to become a craft queen. i made coasters a few days ago, put up ribbon on my wall so i could hang pictures. i bought stuff to make a couple birthday presents. i am also printing a ton of pictures to put on my wall. :) haha i better find a job soon or i will be in trouble.

going to rascal flatts in october. i am so excited. :) now i only need my tickets to get here. yay.

off to unpack and find room for more stuff.

i know your streets are lined with a fine mess inside

job searching = ridiculous.

housing searching = not going anywhere when you can't get a hold of one of your roommates.

stress level currently = way high. no job after the end of august. no place to live. going into the real world empty handed. stressing just a little. no take that back, a lot.

and i wonder why i can enjoy myself when i go out and try to have fun.

the little things are starting to get to me. i can't handle this. i'm freaking out.

you ask for the truth, but you know you could do so much better

i think i have decided being a college graduate as of now has been more stress than anything else. seeing how it is the middle of july (and funny cause i first typed june), and i still have no job come the end of august. we also don't know where we are living, and i am afraid of what is going to happen come august, when i not only have to move out of where i am, but no longer have a job. i am worried i won't be ready, i won't be able to find a job by then and i am worried i won't be able to handle all the upcoming stress right now. i am starting to get overwhelmed. i'm not content with where things are in my life, i know i want to do more, but i don't know if i am going to be ready to take it all on right now.

when i start to think about all of this, i get this large pit in my stomach and my heart starts to hurt and i get myself all worked up.

sometimes i just feel so alone. like no one understands what i am feeling and i am going through this all by myself. i feel like i can't talk to anyone about it because they are just going to look at me like i am being ridiculous. i know i have people there to help me, but there are times when i feel oh so alone.

i watch the stars from my window sill, the whole world is moving and i am standing still

work is going alright. stilll quite bored, but i should have stuff to do starting tomorrow. thank goodness. something to do for the first time in like 2-3 weeks. the downside of being on top of everything and caught up with the forever long list of things that have to be done during the summer. next big project... housing packets for new students, emailing returners that have new students in them, and excel sheets for billing.

i am almost 22 years old. have been around my fair share of fireworks, legal and illegal ones. never have i been burned by them... till now. holding a sparkler with my 2 year old cousin and she shakes it too hard and it ends up burning both of our legs. so now i have two small burns on my legs.

job searching is a pain in the neck. i jsut with i would find something and things would go smoothly with no problems. it's already july and i am still looking. everyday. i even have people looking for me too. ugh. hopefully something will come up soon.

need to figure out how to block a couple numbers from being able to contact my phone. would be helpful if at&t's website would be easier to be able to navigate and find things. ugh. stupid website and stupid people that won't leave me alone.

thank goodness i am only working half day on friday. then it's off to philomath for the dreaded doctor's appointment and a weekend away from the grove again. :) the more time away the better.

i need to go to the library at some point and get a new card so i can get different books, cause i am tired of the ones that i have. jodi picoult is starting to get old. i only have 4 more of her books to read till i have read them all. but i am getting bored with them. sadly those are the only books that i kept out when i packed that i hadn't read yet. all the other ones are for other people who are going to borrow them.

still looking for a house with kathy and kelly too. hopefully that will come through soon.

back to work. oh joy. thank goodness there is only 30 mins left and then i can go crash cause i didn't sleep very well last night.

i am aiming to be somebody that somebody trusts

thank you cards: done. laundry: almost done. packing: no where near being done.

need to get back into my routine... got so off that i am starting to feel weird. starts tonight.

sitting in the kitchen in a house that i am alone in. so depressing. i am going to take down all the post its. they are driving me insane, and since i am alone it isn't going to matter. trying to get the little things packed, so all i have to deal with in the big stuff. another goodwill trip is going to be in order. a pile is growing again. and this time it isn't my stuff, maybe a couple, but not a lot.

i need to drop off thank you cards at the post office. give other cards to people at work, and ginger. i need to find the rest of the dirty dishes and start the dishwasher. i need to figure out something to eat, wrap my dad's birthday/father's day present, since they are on the same day this year. i should probably also vacuum upstairs since donald didn't before he left.

oh and i have gotten rid of one of the couches. and am $50 richer cause of it. :)

off to find something to eat. random food for the next few weeks. meh.

we're so far away from home, but brother you're not alone

by the end of today i was so ready to get away from everyone. i am sick of being around people and stress and stupidity. i need a vacation away from here, away from everyone around me.

someone i got screwed and am missing specific stuff. it pisses me off to no end and am about ready to explode. if i find one more thing that has gone missing someone is going to hear about it and they aren't going to like it. but at this point i don't really care. stupid selfish idiots who i am in no mood to deal with for the next few weeks.

largest goodwill pile i think i have every taken to goodwill is going tonight. i purged so much. and am very proud of myself.

need to figure out where my stuff is going after we move out, when i am moving out. i also need to talk to kelly and kathy about living situation stuff after august. as of now we are homeless... well really i am the only one. kathy has her apartment and kelly has the house that she is sitting for right now.

i really just want to scream at the top of my lungs right now. so pissed off right now. i'm off to clean.

i've been beaten down, i've been kicked around, but she takes it all for me

ugh... packing is starting to be a pain. though i need to get my tubs down from the garage before i can really do anything about packing big stuff. though i have managed to start a nice sized goodwill pile. :) plus i found more books to take to powell's. once i have tubs... time to go through clothes and downsize as much as possible. it will make things easier. lastly is going to be the kitchen stuff. who the heck nows what i am going to do with that stuff. i have accumulated a lot. moving sucks. especially since i don't know where i am putting all my stuff, where i am moving after august. or basically what i am doing with the rest of my life. ugh. i hate the real world

working on a sunday sucks. ugh. even if it was for 4 hours, it still wasn't fun. ugh.

i have a weird feeling about a few things and how they are going to pan out. just need to get through these next three weeks.

off to read. go figure. 4th book. :)

like the sky when the sun is gone

i hate mondays. more than usual today for some reason. maybe it's because this weekend was just full of bad or surprising news. sort of drained me of my energy.

my to do list:
-contact food stamp office about my work study being over
-deposit checks
-go through old mail and organize file binder
-LAUNDRY
-wash sheets
-figure out what i am doing with my hair.

i need to start getting organized for the real world. it's starting to scare me. but needs to be done. i am also considering chopping my hair. i'm bored with it, and sort of want it shorter, but not super short. still trying to decide. i guess we will see. hmmm....

my workout was put on hold the last couple days, but not as a whole. just bits and pieces. going to be starting again tonight. hopefully. run and ab workout.

my roommate is living me on wednesday to go home for good for the summer. it is so sad. i am not only going to have the room to myself, but i am going to be the only girl in the house again. ridiculous.

off to enjoy the rest of my lunch. watch some charmed, since i forgot my book at home. then back to work. yay for entering apps into filemaker. boooooooo not.

but she makes me want to believe

today has been the craziest day ever. well the second half anyways.

so as my roommate is making dinner, which was scallops, i get a text from ginger asking if i could do her a favor. her friend stephanie and her went hiking and were stranded and they wanted to know if i could come get them in the beaverton/portland area. so being the nice friend that i am i said yes. looked up the directions and hit the road. so i get to barnes rd in beaverton and my car starts to smoke. and then it gets really bad. so i pull over to the first road that i could find and called my mom. so i lifted up the hood of my car and it was smoking like crazy. as i am on the phone with ginger to tell her that i am stranded and i am going to be a while, this nice older man stopped and asked me if i was okay. i told him what was going on and he then proceeded to take me to his house so he could tell his domestic partner that he was going to take me to get ginger and stephanie. so he proceeded to get them and brought us back.

my aunt and uncle then came and rescued us. we figured out that it wasn't a blown head gasget like we thought it was. my radiator cap was broken, which wasn't letting the water flow correctly. so thankfully we found an auto part shop and got a new radiator cap and got that all fixed. my car is now fine. though it is in need of a wash, wax and needs to be vaccuumed out hardcore. it's disgusting. that's tomorrow.

also tomorrow:
-LAUNDRY... still haven't finished or hung anything up.
-cleaning the bedroom up. organize.
-spring cleaning the house before family members get here.
-getting ahold of jerry and andrea to invite them.
-getting ahold of my grandparents to figure out when they get into town.
-baccalaurette (or however it's freaking spelled)
-sign, shake and ring
-apparently going out again to celebrate.
-sleeeeeeeeeep

it's going to be a long day before graduation. joy. off to do some laundry now.

you wear your religion like a war sweater

so much to do before graduation. though i have gotten a lot of it done already. :)

-send jerry and andrea their announcement and party invite.
-break in my shoes a bit more.
-clean up my room. it's ridiculous.
-graduation practice, award ceremony, senior salute.
-more job hunting.

starting a new book. "love walked in" by marisa de los santos. book number 2 of this so called limbo. haha. i already know the third one too. :) i miss reading.

my book list for the summer.... so far and in no particular order:
picture perfect - jodi picoult (done)
love walked in - marisa de los santos
the rest of her life - laura moriarty
salem falls - jodi picoult
the lucky one - nicholas sparks
keeping faith - jodi picoult
handle with care - jodi picoult
perfect match - jodi picoult
harvesting the heart - jodi picoult
immediate family - eileen goudge
songs of the humpback whale - jodi picoult
the tenth circle - jodi picoult

my summer goal list i guess, or maybe just what i want to do:
-save enough money from summer job to pay for new house
-find new house with kathy and kelly
-hopefully find a full time job for after august
-visit roommate at least twice if not more before she leaves for china
-get jillian to come visit
-have a blast living with ginger for a month.

off to read. or watch the oc. or something else.

impossible means nothing to me

it's been a while. but the best part about this update is the fact that i can say i am done with my undergraduate college career! it feels amazing. i don't even know what to say to express how i feel. wonderful. :)

turned my work sample in last thursday. i haven't heard anything about it yet, but hopefully i will be getting it in the next couple days. i'm not super worried about passing it, but it has been a rough ride, which means really anything could happen. but i am thinking positive. :)

i get to go back and help in my 2nd grade classroom. :) it's weird but i am sort of excited about it. i get to be able to go back and just volunteer at my school for the fun of it. which i love that. i love the stress free opportunity to learn more. i love being able to work with the students that aren't my 6th graders.

it's crazy. it hasn't settled in that i am graduating and won't be coming back after the summer. i am out on my own in the real world. which scares the hell out of me. though i am so excited. it's going to be amazing. :)

read my first book of summer. or as donald called it, my first book of limbo, since i haven't graduated yet. speaking of which. saturday is the big day. it's scary but exciting at the same time. i'm so ready to be done.

i'm off to enjoy my time off before the summer job begins.

should have been more careful, i let down my guard

so much going on. not enough time to fully update.

current happiness: completed work sample.
current annoyance: stupid people who make drama, people in this house, and the want to be done.
current want: lots of sleep. hair cut. for conferences to not be tomorrow.

not really sure what i did wrong to make you angry or annoyed or upset or whatever you are. if something needs to be said, just fucking say it instead of avoiding it. that only makes it worse.

off to sleeeeeeeeeeeeep.

more later.

so baby drive slow till we run out of road

wow my 100th post already. well this post will be much of a rant. these last 4 days haven't been the greatest. minus the adventure the roommate and i went on yesterday. that was good.

let's start with the positive:
only 34 more days till graduation. thank the lord. who knows how much more of this i can actually take right now. graduation is going to be a big sigh of relief. and accomplishment. :) i still need to call my aunt about my party afterwards. finally bought the things to make my announcements. much cheaper than i thought it was going to be. and cheaper than what the school had to offer. i have my dress, and shoes, and i already have my cap and gown. yay.

the adventure with my roommate was wonderful yesterday. got to do a little shopping, got to eat good food and we enjoyed the nice weather. :) yay for new shorts and a skirt. love it.

the weather is amazing today. and supposed to be even better tomorrow. :) yay! though i will be inside teaching most of the day. and then i will be working all night. joy. but hey it's money so i guess its a fair trade.

now on to the negative... which is quite a long list. like i said, it hasn't been the greatest of days lately.
lets see..... my work sample is killing me. it's awful and i hate it. it doesn't help that my class is awful and they just don't care about anything. i have no freaking clue if they are learning anything at all. and i am frustrated by the whole placement. and apparently it shows according to my supervisor who observed me on thursday. which brings me to the whole reason this weekend has been awful.
i have decided to only do my ECE authorization, which means my 6th grade placement i am right now will not go towards that. i will not finish in their fully to get my elementary authorization to teach. since i am only doing the ECE i will be authorized to teach 3 year olds to 4th grade, which is exactly what i want. so since i have decided to do that, i only have to finish my 6th grade work sample in there and i am done. well i told my 6th grade mentor teacher what i have decided to do and she went ballistic. she told me that my time in there has been a complete waste and that she would rather just be done with all of it and have her class back to just herself and not have me in there at all. but my supervisor told me that i have to finish my work sample in there. so needless to say i am going back to a classroom that the teacher does not want me there. ugh. i hate this. it sucks.

i have been working on my work sample for the past two days not know if i am going to get to finish it. i might just have to start the hell over. which i really freaking hope that doesn't happen. i might actually cry or do some harm of some sort if this is the case. aaahhhhhhh!

the library is driving me insane. i have been here for almost 5 hours. gotten 1.5 lesson plans done. need to do another one and work on my authentic performance task. meh. it's going to be a long night.

off to finish a lesson plan and then the suuuuuuuuuuun for a bit!

light in the dark as i search for the resolution

i hate weekends. which is terrible because i used to love them. but my weekends consist of being in the library most of the night attempting to write lesson plans for my work sample. or other stuff that consists of my work sample. ugh. i am getting so tired of all of it. 42 days from now can't come soon enough.

easter dinner tomorrow was supposed to be nice and relaxing with my parents, sister and ginger. yah not anymore. i am just really annoyed about who else is coming. i would rather not have to deal with them. they drive me up the wall and i am in no mood or frame of mind to put up with them. plus because dinner got pushed back 2 hours ginger and i are eating and running. which isn't what i wanted to do.

i can't find the jump drive that i have been using since january. i am really hoping that it is at my school in my desk... or i am totally screwed. i really don't need this right now. ugh. i had an amost meltdown today over not being able to find it. it's just really frustrating. can't stand it.

these next two weeks are going to drown me. i work till midnight every night, don't have time to work on my lesson plans for the next day for my work sample, and i am still soloing.... which means i am doing absolutely everything. can't even stand it and it hasn't even started. i might actually cry. not to mention i have one of the worst classes in the entire school i am teaching at. so that really doesn't help.

i am really tired of the aztecs and everything that goes with it. it's frustrating. and annoying. and just ridiculous, they are never going to retain any of it.

that's the best things that's happen to me

Angel Taylor. Opening act for Gavin Degraw.



Gavin Degraw - "I Don't Wanna Be"




Tyrone Wells "Sea Breeze"

because i was taught to dream

this week has been a long one. i am so glad it's the weekend. sadly i don't have much of a weekend with all the stuff i have to do. let's see.... update cover letter, print resume's, buy folders for them to go in, laundry, and of course the dreaded work sample. once i have my laundry done, i am going to run my errands and then i am off to the library to work on my work sample till dinner tonight.

i start solo teaching in my 6th grade placement monday. a little nervous, but all around trying to be okay with the fact that i have to do it. though by the end of every week they drive me absolutely crazy. so this should be interesting as to what is going to happen. i need to also plan for the week too. reading is done. half of math is done. of course my work sample will take care of social studies. then i think there is another block of time i am not sure what we are going to do. such a pain.

i am absolutely fed up with this house. not necessarily everyone in it, but definitely a couple. somehow i find it incredibly rude that when you owe someone $45 and have for almost a month that you wouldn't take any of their stuff without asking. but apparently that isn't how it works. apparently it is totally okay to take half the cotton balls you didn't buy, food that isn't yours, alcohol that isn't yours. and then have the nerve to tell me that it isn't that big of a deal. all i am saying is have some freaking respect for the people that let you move in with them. there will be hell to pay if my money is not paid by tomorrow night. that is all i am saying.

i just need to get away from everything. sadly that isn't going to happen anytime soon. which means that i am going to be spending the least amount of time at this freaking house as i can. otherwise things might get not the greatest.

i'm off to clean the bathroom floor, deal with laundry, and start packing for the library.

the king he waited on my door steps while the joker and me went on our way

the last day of spring break.

spring break consisted of me procrastinating to the point of getting really not a lot accomplished on my work sample. i have almost all my unit goals, which is a start, but not much. though i was able to finally get my food stamps back (thank goodness), figure out stupid edzapp and get 75% of that done, catch up on 4 weeks of posting for my learning communities class and for sure catch up on my sleep. too bad my sleep schedule is going to be totally screwed up for the whole week.

my stupid work sample is killing me. i don't know where to start. 6th grade is so much more different than 2nd grade. it's driving me up the wall. luckily i have a meeting with mike on monday to talk about it and hopefully it can help me out with it. they are just so much older than 2nd graders and their able to process a lot more, i just don't how to get it all down in a lesson plan for them to be able to do that. meh. i am just hoping that darcy isn't going to mind that i don't have anything ready for monday. i figured they are going to need time to work on their famous person research and such. since none of them are going to be ready for thursday night. meh.

i am surrounded by all this information, papers, books, binders and it feels like i am learning all of this for the first time. it's rather annoying. how the heck am i supposed to teach 6th graders about the aztec, inca and maya if i don't even freaking remember any of it. ugh.

pizza tonight for dinner. wonderful. that way i won't have to make lunch either. love it. :) plus i have free coffee for tomorrow morning. :)

new music and artists. :) went to the gavin degraw concert on friday and angel taylor opened for him. :) amazing. videos will come in a bit. i miss having a chance to always listen to music. it has been on constantly no matter where i have been this break. and i miss that. and finding new artists. and stealing music from people.

i have decided i need to start making more lists. obviously of what i need to do daily. but i want to make an actual life list. there is so much i want to do with my life. and apparently i have to start thinking about graduation gifts too. eek.

speaking of graduation... apparently there are only 55 more days till graduation. which means there are only 47 more days till i am done with my student teaching. soooo crazy. it's coming up so fast and it's scary. and what makes it even more scary is the fact that i have no idea what i am going to do after that. ugh. and i still need to find a dress for graduation. any ideas?

off to pick up pizza and hopefully get some sort of sleep tonight.

you drive away from my car crash of a heart

there are so many things home reminds me of... many of them i dislike. many of them i would rather forget or have tried. though there are the few good things i still remember.

leaving for school i tried to forget about most people in this town. i disliked high school and couldn't wait to get out of there. there are the select few people, besides my family, that i miss when i leave here. everytime. and many of them i hardly get to see.

i don't miss the arguing. for once it isn't me who is involved either. i have gotten along with my family quite nicely on this little vacation of mine. though i really don't miss the arguing between my parents. i can't stand it. it makes me cringe most of the time.

i also don't miss the crazyness of the house. it never seems to be in order. that is one thing i will never let happen. i will never let my things get this bad. and i will never get as out of control with my things as they have either. i could go insane.

my work sample is slowly coming along. i am more gathering more information to use. i really need to start on it. i only have till sunday to have a pre/post assessment and at least 3 lesson plans. i just don't have any motivation here. none at all. zero. meh.

off to mail my taxes off. then the library for a bit. maybe my sister's game. dinner with jillian tonight. :) who knows after that. back to the grove tomorrow.

why don't you stay

taking advantage of the internet that i am stealing from somewhere at my school right now.

this day is totally insane. there is a sub today cause my mentor teacher had a doctor's appointment. my kids feel that it is needed to take advantage of the fact that the sub is not really trying to keep control of the class. it's rather annoying. and apparently according to a lot of the kids in this class absolutely hate the pe teacher. apparently he is terrible with them and just mean. which is really funny cause that is totally not the case at all.

finally finished with updating my resume. it took me a few days, but it should be totally updated now. now all i am waiting on is letters of rec. i also need to buy in bulk resume paper so i can print a lot of copies of my resume.

i also need to do the grades for my 2nd graders from when they did health with me. it shouldn't take me too long to do it. thank goodness they are just effort grades.

thank goodness this is a short week. plus spring break is next week. :) yay. sadly it will be spent doing my work sample most of the time. i might be able to make it home, but most of the time will be spent doing that. otherwise i am going to be very far behind. i need to have my pre/post assessment completely done and a at least 3 or 4 lesson plans. which means i need to have a lot of information and ideas of what i am actually going to teach them.

found out my concert isn't this friday but next friday. such a bummer.

off to get through the rest of reading and on to snack.

just gotta keep going

because i can't sleep and have been tagged many many times on this.

25 random things about me:

1) my one and only surgery was when i was 2 hours old. i was born with my intestines on the outside, so basically i had to be put back together. i have 3 scars from this surgery. and i don't have a regular bellybutton like everyone else does.

2) i have always been afraid of clowns. i remember my parents dressing up as clowns for i think my 3rd birthday party and i remember running out of the house to my grandparents lap, who were outside talking with old family friends.

3) i really wanted to study abroad when i was in college. my parents wouldn't let me. they also let my 15 year old sister go to ukraine the following september for 2 weeks.

4) i have worn glasses since i was 5 years old. i used to come home from kindergarten and my circles wouldn't be connected at all. i always had those old school big glasses too. then i broke them at a basketball camp one year and have worn contacts ever since.

5) i have broken two bones. my right wrist on the 2nd day of kindergarten falling off the monkey bars. and my pinky toe during a soccer game.

6) i am deathly allergic to bees. i am also allergic to a lot of other things, but am not going to even try and list all of them. i would probably miss a lot.

7) my first job was working in a cherry orchard in central oregon. back when my spanish was better.

8) heart problems run in my family. that is what every family member of mine has died from. i am afraid that is how i will too.

9) i dropped a dresser on my left foot when i was helping a friend move her room around and my toenails on my last three toes didn't grow back correctly and that is really why i hate my feet.

10) i absolutely hate feet. i think they are the grossest thing ever. i hate foot massages and when peoples feet get near me.

11) i love my handwriting and really always have.

12) i have had the same bruise for over a year. i was playing intramural softball and a guy on my team was up to bat. i was on 1st base and he ripped a ball right down the first base line and i had no chance to move. it nailed me in the right calf. i think it actually permanently did some damage. but to this day you can see part of the bruise. its in the shape of a circle.

13) i have a permanent clicking noise in both my right ankle and right thumb. one is from soccer and the other is softball.

14) my senior year of high school i was hit with a softball in the jaw by my coach. the very next day in our game i was hit in the back of the head while batting.

15) i have always had soft hair. like abnormally soft hair. and everyone who has ever told me that is always jealous.

16) i had a fear of bathtubs when i was little. i always thought i would get sucked down the drain.

17) i am afraid of drowning. which is a big part of the reason that i don't like to go swimming.

18) i love to read. last summer i read 13 books. the summer before that i read around 11. sadly i never have enough time to read during the school year. i save it for breaks. over christmas break i read 5 books. i think one day i want a whole room in my future house to be books wall to wall.

19) i want to travel. so bad. i wish i could just pick up everything and leave.

20) the only instrument i have ever known how to play is the clarinet. i hated that thing soooo much.

21) i miss playing competitive sports year round. i miss soccer, basketball and softball.

22) i am actually not related to a lot of my mom's side of the family that i know now by blood. i have never met my biological grandma or grandpa on that side. my grandma (biological) died when my mom was 17 and as far as my mom is concerned my grandpa ray is her actual dad and not orin. after my grandma (biological) died my grandpa ray married the woman that i call my grandma. both of their families are the only families i know.

23) i am totally terrified of what the future brings. in all aspects, but i know that things will work out how they are supposed to be and everything will be okay.

24) i am actually really afraid of the dark. but only if i am alone in a creepy place or a house by myself. i hate being in a house by myself. i start to hear everything and always think it is someone trying to break in.

25) i still have not gotten my wisdom teeth taken out. my dentist said i really don't need to and i have never actually felt them if they were coming in or not.

always gonna be an uphill battle, sometimes i'm gonna have to lose

most annoying weekend every.

friday:
my last day with my 2nd graders. our fieldtrip, which was awesome. gave my teacher her gift and she loved it. decided to go home. big mistake.

saturday:
ended up in a huge fight with the fam. drove back to the grove. upset and not focused for most of the day. went to buy food. food stamps don't work. ginger made dinner. had some nice drinks and watched one tree hill. ginger is finally finished with season 4. :) daylight savings made me lose an hour of sleep.

sunday:
woke up later than i wanted. lunch with sharone who i haven't seen in over a month. laid everything out to work on my worksample. i have only done on thing in one document. i think made ammends with my mother. who really knows though. taught caity how to use the oven to make pizza. laundry. avoiding work sample.

this week includes:
new placement. 6th graders. eek. though i do get my own desk which will be nice. finishing my work sample for 2nd grade. at least getting a start on my 6th grade work sample. or ideas. lots of observing. resume and cover letter writing. figuring out food stamps stuff. figuring out things with life.

things to do:
1) finish 2nd grade work sample, put it together and turn it in ASAP
2) food stamps stuff
3) resume and cover letter
4) laundry
5) organize piles in room
6) return binder to kris
7) borders books

there's a rain that will never stop falling

you know the expression, "when it rains, it pours"? basically the story of my life. at least recently.

so for the past 4 days i have spend my nights in the library working on some part of my work sample, whether it be updating or creating new documents to add to it. needless to say i have gotten a lot done, but still see no end in sight. there has also been new drama brought to my house that i am not about to deal with since i doesn't involve me. life has just been all around stressful including needing to work more hours, but not having enough hours in the day to do so.

so to top it all off today i get a phone call from my mom informing me that my sister has heart disease of some sort. she has been having trouble with her heart for over a year. she had a totally irregular ekg today when she went to dornbeckers today, they found she has an arythmia (sp?) and some other thing. needless to say she has to go and see a specialist of some sort next week and figure out what to do from there. competitive sports are out the window for her, which sucks because like me when i was her age that is her life. year round.

not sure how i can handle this. my dad already has heart failure. i don't think i can handle two family members with heart problems.

it just isn't fair. not at all.

believed in me when i gave up on myself again

new record for me to be in the library for 3 nights in a row. i think i have gotten more accomplished these past 3 days on my work sample then i have in the last few weeks. funny how that works out. i still have a lot to do, but i am getting so much closer to finishing it. seeing how it is due next monday. i have a feeling that is what i am going to be doing for most of the weekend as well. oh joy.

i am tired of the drama that is consuming my house. people need to freaking grow up, deal with your issues like an adult, not involve everyone around you, seeing how none of us want to be involved or really have time to deal with it, and get the hell over it. goodness. i don't even want to hear about what is going on. not even in passing.

my plans for spring break have fallen through. it really has to do with the lack of money. maybe i will just stay and work for a few days and get some extra money and then go home and visit or something. who really knows. but that means that i am going to have to deal with my sister's boyfriend who is supposedly coming to visit. i couldn't handle that. at all.

my teacher's present is almost finished. i think i am going to work on the letter after this, then head home and probably crash. i really just don't want to deal with anyone right now. i am not really in the mood currently.

ugh i still need to get directions to imlay elementary for tomorrow morning. i am supposed to be there at 8:20ish or so. which means i should probably leave my at least 7:45 just in case i get lost, since i seem to do that a lot.

off to write a thank you letter, get directions, go home and crash.

how does it feel to be different from me

this weekend has been the longest ever. it started off great, but has slowly gone downhill with no end in sight.

this work sample is going to kill me. its the first time i have really done anything with it in about 2 weeks and i already feel overwhelmed. i have so much that i have no updated throughout the whole thing. there were documents that we did during our class in the fall that i have forgotten about and am now regretting not being more on top of things. though i have gotten more accomplished on it then i have in the last 2 or 3 weeks. but i still have sooooo much to do on it. i have a feeling i am probably going to be leaving at like 9, and working straight till then. i have about one week to get everything done and be ready to turn in. then its time to start alllll over from scratch in a grade i have no clue about. oh joy.

i have friends going through hard times as well and i feel like a terrible friend for not really knowing what to say. i know that everything is going to be okay and that they are going to be able to make it through up until then it is going to be hard.

i also need to work on my resume hardcore at some point. i have until the 19th to make that and my cover letter basically perfect because i am going to some hillsboro student teacher invitational. i figure i mine as well go and get more information and guidance.

i also need to start working more. i realized i have a lot of money left on my on my work study award that i need to use. luckily i will be working like every night during the housing lottery. and i have a feeling i am not going to get much sleep for those couple of weeks either. and i am going to have a lot to do, but i will have a nice large paycheck. :) which is always a good thing.

i also need to start thinking about finding jobs to apply to. which means i need to put my stuff up on edzapp soooon. i started today but figured my work sample was a little bit more important.

i need sleep. and more time during the day. and to not stress myself out so much. and to be able to breathe with relief.

just shut up and drive

is it weird that i am actually possibly looking forward to valentine's day this year. and by valentine's day i mean my 2nd graders party the day before. and going out with kathy. and just avoiding the whole actual valentine's day thing.

i just finished my kid's valentine's. they were cute. and we made super cute holders today. haha. i also found out that i am really going to be on my own next week. we don't have school on monday because of president's day. then tuesday through thursday and possibly friday my mentor teacher is going to be at a conference with the other two second grade teachers. so there will be a sub there, but i am on my own, which is fine with me. minus the face that becky is the sub and last time she was there, she was really rude and treated me like i was an idiot. all i am going to say is if she tries to interupt me, i might yell at her.

i am so tired and it's only 9ish. but i think after this i am crashing. too tired to do anything else. i didn't even get to any of my grading, which is bad, but i didn't want to. i am thinking i am going to send the excel math sheets home with a mom instead of me doing them. then the other sheet we did together, so all i really need to do is star it so they know that we actually looked at it. haha 2nd graders love their stars.

i feel like i am losing contact with people cause i am teaching full time. i never get a chance to talk to jillian, which is really really depressing. and everytime my mom calls me i am either at my school or at home trying to grade or plan. i don't even get to see my roommates. i mean donald and i had a nice talk today and the only reason for that was because he walked by and i wasn't actually doing anything, for once. meh.

totally ready for a long break. like spring break. but that means i will be in my 6th grade classroom, which i am dreading. everyone i have seen at my school or talked to has told me i am going to have to take mean classes before i go there cause they are totally out of control the whole time. joy. i would just like to stay in 2nd grade forever. i like it there. it's safe. and less stressful and overwhelming.

i can't believe i only have like 3 more weeks with my 2nd graders. i am going to miss them. they have grown on me.

meh. too tired to do anything else. sleeeeeeep

i closed my eyes and let you fall

this weekend wasn't as productive as i would have liked it to have been. though i did get some accomplished, not as much as i needed to.

yesterday i went to washington to see my aunt. she also had magazines that i am going to need for my work sample. now my kids will have magazines to cut out the pictures they will need for my authentic performance task. got really good food out of it to. which means i will have lunch for tomorrow too. i also did some grading while i was there too. got a free tank of gas out of it as well. :)

today was interesting. didn't wake up till 11ish, much later than i wanted to be up. finally got up and go ready for the day. applied for another NIKE position, so we will see what happens this time. started grading papers. then it was lunch with austyn, ginger and kahli. tried to upgrade my phone at at&t, but they wouldn't let me. finally was able to upgrade over the phone. i should get my phone in a week or so... if my mom will forward it. because apparently it's a big deal that i had it shipped home. even though they couldn't ship it to any other address and they tried. ugh.

i am done grading for the night. i still have two assignments to grade, but i don't want to do them now. i just need to clean up my piles and pack for tomorrow. then i should be able to get to my laundry. finally.

watching the grammy's currently. a nice distraction.

please just hear me out

less irritated. much less. still a little annoyed but hopefully that will change.

very tired. just finished planning for two days.

i missed human interaction when i got home tonight.

last work sample lesson tomorrow. :) then nutrition game on friday.

tyrone wells concert tomorrow. amazing. can't wait.

sleeeeeeep is calling me.

i can't escape it... disappointment

some days i think it is my 2nd graders goal to irritate me to no end. today was one of those days.

i just didn't think anything was really going right. i didn't have enough to do during the reading activities so i had to improvise, my health lesson did go better than yesterday, but was still tooo long. ugh. math was terrible because i had never done the activity that we were supposed to do, so i had to rely on the kids to tell me and they were helpless. AND today was early release... it felt totally longer than yesterday.

my irritatedness started this morning... around 2ish. after that i couldn't go back to sleep for at least an hour. i felt terrible this morning trying to get up. the irritatedness just grew from there.

first night class tonight. not really looking forward to it. i just want to grade my papers and write my lesson plan for tomorrow and go to bed. ugh.

i feel like i have no life. i wake up, go to my school all day where the only adult interaction i get is at lunch and when my mentor teacher and i communicate. then i come home and grade or write a lesson plan or two, possibly eat dinner and then off to bed for the same thing. i need human interaction that isn't my kids, teacher, or supervisor.

off to get ready for class. i need food of some substance, find my water bottle and fill it up, possibly change and remember to breathe.

i never promised there'd be sunshine everyday

so i got tagged on facebook a few times and i figured i would put it here. so here goes....

16 things about me:

1. my one and only surgery i ever had was when i was 2 hours old. they basically had to put me back together after i was born. i was born without a belly button. not many people can say that.

2. i love the feeling i get when i see a child get something. the way their eyes light up and they get that big smile on their face. it lights up my world. it's what i live for.

3. i hate the dark. when i was little i was super afraid of the dark. i guess you could say i sort of still am. if i am alone in a place that i haven't been before, there has to be a light on or everything spooks me.

4. as much as i can't stand feet for many different reasons, my toenails always have to be painted. it drives me crazy when they are not because i think my toes look gross. paint makes them look better in my opinion.

5. i miss my family more than i tend to lead on. i try and be an independent girl who is out in the real world surviving, but deep down i miss them most of the time.

6. i love books. and music. and shoes and bags. i guess you could call me a little crazy when it comes to any of those, but i love 'em.

7. i have a hard time getting rid of things such as old letters and keepsake things. my box from high school was recently cleaned out and i finally got rid of most of my graduation cards. i just don't want to forget anything, which i guess is why i keep little random things.

8. one day i want to own a yellow lab and possibly a great dane. i never had a dog growing up and usually am scared of big dogs, but one day i will own both. for myself and to prove everyone wrong. :)

9. freshman year of college i wore slippers (flip flops for most of you) for most of the year... even in the winter. but my love for heels has taken over and i usually don't wear slippers till summer. and i can't help but call them slippers for as many times as i got told i was wrong freshman year by sharone.

10. i have only broken one bone. i fell off the monkey bars on the 2nd day of kindergarten and had to wear a cast for 7 weeks. needless to say my parents decided to go with a white one. and by the end, it wasn't so white.

11. i love candles. they all just smell amazing.

12. i played the clarinet in middle school and can honestly say that i hated it most of the time. my parents told me i should play an instrument, but when it came to picking it, they wouldn't even hear of me playing anything but the clarinet.

13. i grew up shooting guns at targets and old beer and soda cans with my dad out on deserted roads in the middle of nowhere and i loved it.

14. i have been told that i talk in my sleep. not like carrying on full conversations, but i will say the most random things. i think i get that from my dad. he woke himself up once because he was 'supposedly' choking on a golf ball.

15. i am afraid of failure and disappointment more than anyone will ever know.

16. i have a life list. i have never really written it down, but i know there are things that i want to accomplish and do and see. maybe one day i will get around to writing it all down.

life is way too short to scream and shout

writing lesson plans isn't the greatest thing in the world. neither is procrastination in doing them or any of the other things i have to do for my work sample/2nd grade classroom.

i am stating to feel overwhelmed a little. i have to write at least two lesson plans today and have an idea for the 3rd one. that way i will for sure have all my lessons planned for this week. i also need to have an idea of what i am going to do for the rest of my lesson plans as well since starting the week after this one i am going to be on my own for everything. eek. this is starting to consume my life. and not only do i have to write lesson plans for my work sample, but i have to write lesson plans for every lesson that i teach outside of that too. i find that to be a big waste of time and less time i am going to have to work on any of my other work sample stuff. ugh.

so far i think i have most of my 3rd lesson of the week done. now i only have two more to write. i also realized that i need to go to barnes and noble or borders and find a book that my mom said she would have for me, but then turned around and said she didn't have time to find. rather annoying and taking time away from me writing my lesson plans.

ugh. all i want to do is go home and go to bed. but i must drag on and write yet another lesson plan. if i can get one more lesson plan out of me i will call it good and head to barns and noble to hopefully find my book that i need for tuesday. lovely.

i feel very consumed by all of this and am getting nervous and stressed. never a good combination.

off to write a lesson plan about fruits and veggies.