this feeling keeps getting stronger

let's play the catch up game...

a. i am vacation until the 3rd and it is wonderful. minus the whole not getting paid part. that stinks.

b. my vacation thus far has either been spent in the truck driving to different christmas's with my family or packing up my life to move across the world.

c. packing is a pain. but packing to move while simultaneously packing to move across the world is absolutely ridiculous. i have a giant load to drive down to my parents tonight. i believe it consists of 5 giant plastic tubs full of things, 12 much smaller boxes of things, an small ironing board, a few decorative plaque things, a box fan, among other things.

d. have i mentioned how tired of driving i am. i am close to putting on 1000 miles on the truck in the last week and a half. it's ridiculous. and i still have to go to washington at some point for christmas number 3 with the family.

e. the kids i nanny are absolutely amazing. they are so cute. i am going to miss them

f. i have learned i have way too many things. my goodwill pile is giant, but even so, i still have a lot of stuff. it's sort of ridiculous.

g. i need to sit down this week and look at my korea contract and proceed to sign my name a zillion times. at least once at the bottom of each contract page and i am sure more. oh boy... signing my name.

h. my parents gifts were a success. i managed to make them both cry. my sister's on the other hand... yah i am still waiting for part of it. 10 days after it was mailed. still not here. mark epically failed. as did the post office.

i. i finally talked to my aunt and i will be staying with them until i leave for korea. :) i won't be homeless. yay. always a good thing.

j. one of the lesson's learned over the holiday... this girl still get's car sick. i can't even remember the last time i rode in the backseat of a car, because i know i have a wimpy stomach. well since i rode to my aunt's in salem with my parents, my sister and i sat in the backseat. we made it to albany on I-5, which is like 15 minutes into the hour car ride and i had to roll the window down because i felt awful. i managed to not get sick, but i felt awful for the rest of the evening. my stomach was not happy with me. thankfully my momma is wonderful and i got to ride up front on the way back.

k. joyce is still the devil. this we know will never change. and this year we butted heads because i was done being civil with her. the night ended with her yelling at me over stupid cookies and me basically telling her to shut it and get over it as i walked out the door. my grandpa laughed.

l. so this year along with our money, my grandpa and the devil were going through the attic to clean things out so our gifts were things of my grandma's. which was actually a good idea for once. i am happy to say i have her plush nativity scene that she let me put up every year for christmas when i was little. :)

m. i still hate the rain.

n. did i mention that i have toooooo much stuff? well i do.

o. i got a kindle for christmas. and jillian and her wonderful husband wade are going to download and convert a lot of books for me. which i will get tomorrow. sushi, jillian, christmas presents, and kindle books... sounds like a win to me. :)

p. i need to make another list. which would bring my total to 4 different lists. korea documents list, to do list, a list of different things i need to mail and the newest, a final list for packing for korea

q. i have three total credit cards... one for discover and two store ones for different stores. i have officially paid one store card off as of 5 minutes ago. the second store one will come after payday. and as for the discover card... it will have a HUGE dent put into it after payday as well.

r. i am super exhausted. not enough sleep. go figure.

s. i am not looking forward to going home tonight. that means i get to pack up the truck with all my things. in the pouring down rain. oh goody. did i mention that my tubs are incredibly heavy... well they are.

t. i hate the rain. especially when i have to move in it.

u. as of this morning i ordered the final season of grey's anatomy that i did not have. i am very happy. this reminds me. i need a cd case for my dvd's. add it to the one of many lists i guess.

v. i need to make my resolutions for next year.

w. next year is basically going to be amazing. new home. new job. new country. new basically everything. i can't wait.

x. i think i am going to dye my hair before i leave. i have a feeling it's going to be hard to keep up with my blonde in korea. so i'm thinking it's back to dark i go. hmmm.... ideas?

y. new music makes me happy. especially when it is freeeeee

z. i am a happy happy girl. :)

i hate when i end up being right

dammit. dammit. dammit. i'm kicking myself because i knew i was going to be right. i knew it. i knew it. i knew it. and yet i did it anyways. and now i feel like an idiot.

you are making it really easy to hate you right now. jerk.

life is funny, life's a mess, sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing

this is my 200th post according to my dashboard. i feel like i should do something profound, but i have neither the patience to think of something or the time to do it. so i will just rattle off what is on my mind like normal.

first off today was a good day. i mean a GOOD day. today was the first day i woke up and i felt pretty okay. considering i have been a stressed out wreck this last week i am happy today was good. it was a nice low day at work, only 5 children and they were all gone before 5, which meant i had an hour to actually get things done in the classroom. granted since i am the closer i have to stay until all the children are gone, especially since my boss left way early today. so i was there until after 6 becuase anamika's mom was late.

i am stillllll waiting for my background check from the FBI for my korea stuff. it has now been two months since i have sent things in. it is extremely frustrating and i am getting super impatient. i need it now. then it's off to salem to apostille it and my degree. then i send that to scott. then the E2 visa process starts. which will require a trip to seattle, which i am perfectly okay with. :)

speaking of korea... this has been a process. a very very very stressful process. once we finally turned our things in for EPIK we get an email saying we sent our things in too late, so we had the option of waiting till next term, going through private schools or going with GEPIK, which is basically the same thing as EPIK, only in a different part of korea. GEPIK applications were turned in on sunday and as of this morning i have been requested for an interview at some point this week. omg i can't believe this is actually happening... i am going to be in freak out mode for a good while.

dani and i have been doing research on korea so we can get a little bit more prepared for what to expect. well last night i had my first overwhelming freak out. i had to shut my computer off and walk away to calm down. so many things to do and figure out even before we get there. and then once we get there it is going to be a totally different story. oh i can't even think about it anymore...

i am extremely happy for the holidays though. :) this means i get to get creative and make most of my christmas presents. my mom's is done almost. finishing touches will go on tonight. i still need to go through and find pictures for most of my gifts. my sister's is the most entertaining. she is the only one that i am completely done with... except i don't actually have any of her gifts here. each one of her gifts is coming from a different state, with a total of 9 i believe. and considering i have her birthday which is thursday, a whole 9 days before christmas i had to do some extra work figuring out to get her.

red wine, christmas music, presents. :)

i'm gettin a little bit stronger, just a little big stronger

"even on my weakest days, i get a little bit stronger"

it has been a whole two weeks to the day since saying goodbye and honestly i am doing better than i thought i would be. yes there are still times when something will spark a memory or i see a picture or a random thought will pop into my head and i get a little sad. but overall i am doing okay. honestly i know there is more missing from this end, but i knew that was how it was going to be and i am starting to be okay with it. part of me wishes i didn't miss you as much as i do, like i would be better off if i didn't. i'm at the point that if i don't think about it, i'm completely fine, but if that something catches me and i think about it too much, i'm a complete mess.

i miss you. that's all there is to it.

new music makes me happy. must share. :) laura izibor... she's amazing.



i love her voice... it's amazing. :)

true story...

you haven't even left yet and i already miss you...

the count down has officially begun.

if i die young, bury me in satin

i think i am denial. no i don't think, i know i'm in denial. about a few things. i know this and right now i don't know how i feel about it. sometimes i feel that if i am denial about it then i won't have to deal with how i feel about it. which isn't going to end well. i know this too.

my friend i leaving. moving to be more specific. and while i am very excited for this friend to be able to take this next step to a new chapter in their life, i am going to miss this friend. probably more than i should and more than they will really know. which brings me to why i am in denial. if i don't think about it happening then i don't have to think about how i feel about the situation. i mean i knew it was coming, but to think about it has put me in tears a couple of times already. i guess i am just not ready to say goodbye.

i had a friend ask me today if the reason i was leaving in jan/feb to go abroad had anything to do with said friend from above leaving. i had honestly never thought of that. but when i stopped and thought about it i guess i am. and no i am not leaving here because this friend won't be here anymore. i am leaving here because i see this friend making the next move in their life that is getting them one step closer to their dream and honestly it made me a little jealous. i feel like where i am right now i am stuck in a rut. i am working a job i don't want to be at for the rest of my life. i am living in an apartment that my lease ends in january and am still not sure where i am going to go. i wanted to be able to say that i am taking a next step in my life and making progress. so if you were to ask me again if i was leaving because this friend is leaving, the answer would be yes, but not yes for the reasons you think.

day sixteen- i'm going out tonight, in my red high heels

day sixteen- another picture of me.

day fifteen- i'm busy gettin' stronger

day 15- put your ipod on shuffle and the first 10 songs that play.

A Little Bit Stronger
-Sara Evans
(seriously have had this song on repeat in the morning for days. it calms my nerves about things.)

Feel Fine
-Augustana

Let Him Be
-Julie Moffitt

Live Like We're Dying
-Kris Allen

Feed Your Ego
-Angel Taylor

Wasted
-Carrie Underwood

Manhattan from the Sky
-Kate Voegele

New Strings
-Miranda Lambert

Drop Out - The So Unknown
-Jack's Mannequin

Any Man Of Mine
-Shania Twain
(oh jillian this reminds me of you!)

day 14- i'm done hoping we can work it out

day 14- another picture of me and my family.

the parentals and i at graduation :)

day 13- i'm movin' on

i'm supposed to write a letter to someone who has hurt me recently. i honestly don't have it in me to sort through all my thoughts concerning this mess that is my love life for the past year. so instead i revert to music to explain my feels.

I'm Movin' On
-Rascal Flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

i'm done thinking you could ever change

okay this girl needs to vent or she is going to lose it. big time.

never have i ever felt so much anger and frustration toward a child before. there are not enough words to describe just how completely frustrating this child is.

we will call this child carl. carl is a child that comes into my classroom for just the afternoon because that is how his schedule works. he is with 4 different care givers every day. mom in the morning before she goes to work. then to grandma's to be watched until dad gets off work and picks him up. from there he spends a small amount of time with dad and then is brought to my classroom where he stays until mom gets off of work. so this kid is shuffled around a lot throughout the day. which takes a toll on him as brought out by his actions.

take today for example... dad drops off carl earlier than normal, which means he comes when there is still a good 30 minutes left of rest time. so i tell him to go get a few books and to sit down quietly and look at them while i slowly start getting the children that are awake up and ready for snack. he gets the books, but proceeds to start throwing them around the room and making extremely loud noises. which then wakes up all but two of the kids. my room is officially chaos because every other child is laughing as carl is continuing the nightmare. i finally get him sitting down in a chair and inform him he is to take a break while i try and calm everything down. what does this induce, screaming and tears. but i have no other choice if i am going to wrangle 7 other children up, cots put away, bathrooms done and snack in 30 minutes before we go outside.

so for the next 15 mins carl sits in his chair and screams and calls me stupid and says he hates me... yada yada, i've heard this all before from him the prior week. i finally get all the children up and give them snack. i tell carl he may join his friends for snack. what does he do? he goes and sits down and instantly starts kicking one of the children for no reason. i calmly tell him 3 times that kicking his friends is not nice, please keep your feet to yourself. this does nothing. so i move him to the end of the table where he is out of reach of kicking anyone. finally peace... for a maximum of 3 minutes.

outside. we were outside for a total of 13 minutes because it started raining. carl screamed the whole time because he did not get the car he wanted. another child got to it before he did and he instantly threw a fit and ran to me telling me he wanted it. i told him he needed to wait his turn and that in 5 minutes he could have a turn. this did not please him. he threw himself on the ground, then sat up and kicked me and hit me. so i calmly pick him up and set him down on the curb, where he swings his head back and head butts me. i can honestly say i have never been headbutted on purpose before by a child, but i guess there is a first for everything.

the rain came so we moved to the gym inside. where he again did not get the bike he wanted. after giving him a different bike, he called the other children stupid the whole time. he did eventually get the bike he wanted, only to run over children on purpose, causing them to cry. which of course after twice, cost him his bike. this induced more screaming and crying.

once children started to leave, carl was fine. i have learned that one-on-one help is needed. it is thought that he is on the spectrum, which i fully agree with. once we were down to 4 or 5 children, carl was able to interact with the children that were there just fine. he was able to fully communicate what he wanted to do with them and it was fine.

i also learned today that this is probably going to he his last week as dad is getting a full-time job and they will need to move him to mornings, which we can't do because we are full. the thing that got to me, was that when i heard that, i was so relieved. never have i ever felt that way about a child, including alek when i was working in clackamas. sure i have been frustrated to no end with children before, but by the end of the day i have let it all go and i still find things that they do to be incredibly cute. nope not with this kid. i see his mom at the front door and i am happy he is leaving. i look forward to mondays and fridays, cause i know he won't be there. and to wednesdays because i leave at 4 for my other job.

i feel like a terrible person for feeling this way. it makes me feel like an awful teacher. i like a challenge, don't get me wrong, but this is over what i feel that i can handle. and i hate the feeling. i hate not being able to get a handle on his actions and be able to assist him in the way that he needs. i feel so helpless and i can't stand it.

day 12- i melt into you

Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one.

i originally started blogging on the myspace blog when i had a myspace account. once i was over that one i created a xanga account and used that for a while. after a while, i was getting weird messages from people and got tired of dealing with those, so i deleted that account and figured i was done with blogging. well i guess i started to miss it, and i had been reading other friends blogs that were on blogger, so i just created one and here we are two years later.

and i am off to frost my wonderful cupcakes. :) yum yum.

day 11- you sing, you scream and you shout

day 11- another picture of you and a friend.

we are taking a step back in time with these ones...saskia, sarah and i sophomore year :)

tiffany, saskia, sarah and i junior year :)

kelly and i at the dixie chicks concert sophomore year :)

andramache and i freshman year spring break :)

jared and i sophomore year orientation :)

day 10 - i'm only fooling myself

currently taking a break from the looooooongest application i have every had to fill out. oh korea...

day 10 - Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
i do have to say this is going to be difficult, because i have soooo much music and there is no way i would get all of them down.

happy:
* "happytimes" matt wertz
* "perfect day" lady antebellum
* "wild at heart" gloriana
* "top of the world" the juliana theory
* "love song" sara bareilles
* "happy ending" sugarland

sad:
* "a little bit stronger" sara evans
* "stand still, look pretty" the wreckers
* "unapologize" carrie underwood
* "chances" five for fighting
* "apologies" grace potter and the nocturnals

bored:
honestly if i am bored i put my itunes or pandora on and just listen to whatever comes up.

hyped:
literally put on my pandora and find the rap/rock station rooooooommate made for me and just blare it.

mad:
* "undo it" carrie underwood
* "let it go" debra arlyn
* "not ready to make nice" dixie chicks
* "in terms of love" shedaisy

day nine- so can you lift me up, turn the ashes into flames

day nine- something you’re proud of in the past few days.

as of yesterday i started working full time at my current job. i am happy about that. sure i hate the hours and being a closer as the last couple of hours seem to drag on and on, but it's more hours and it's more money. and with the nannying on top of that it will help a lot. :)

i am also happy to say that i am a couple step closer to korea. i have two of my letter of references that i should have by this friday. and i got one of my background checks in the mail today. a couple more things to check off my list. slowly getting closer and make this all so much more real. i can't wait. i think i am still super excited because it hasn't fully set in yet. i'm sure once i get closer it will.

dia numero ocho- but i don't want to if you don't want to

day 8 - short term goals for this month and why...

i have a feeling this list is going to be way longer than it honestly should be... but here goes.

*continue to check off and hopefully complete the loooooooong list for korea. why... because the sooner i can get things done, the sooner i can take the next step. and that will bring me even closer to leaving. which is so desperately want at this point.

*put money in savings. why... because now that i am working full time as of today, i need to start saving up again. especially since i am not paying on my loans currently. i need to take advantage of that. big time.

*make it to my parents house at least once. why... because i haven't been home since august when my car finally died and i had to take my dads truck. plus i think we are doing family pictures.

*wash and wax the truck. preferably before the above goal. otherwise my dad might kick my ass.

*buy and make and awesome birthday/going away present. well the person is leaving and it will be there birthday. that pretty much explains it. now if only what i was looking for was easier to find.

*get my final birthday present. enough said.

day seven - must be doing something right

day seven - a picture of something/someone that has the most impact on you.

okay so i totally dropped the ball on this. i know. but this past week has been so crazy busy. but here is the next day and hopefully i will stay caught up this time.

so this pictures is probably the most recent picture of my parents, sister and i. which is sad but true. this picture was taken after my sister's soccer team won the state championship last year. very proud moment for all of us.

my family are the ones who have had the most impact on me. we have all had our good times and hard times, but no matter what we always band together and make it through. :) my dad is one of the strongest people i know. he has been through so much and still he is there to provide for all of us. even still today. thanks to him i have a vehicle that i am able to use since my poor ruby is dead. my mom is my rock. simply put. and no matter how much she drives me nuts, i wouldn't trade having a my little sister for anything. i see her growing up before my eyes, and i am so proud of her. she is going to amazing things one day.

day six- she found the strength to break free

favorite superhero and why.... hmm.

well i never really had a favorite superhero growing up that pertained to television or comics and such. so if i had to really think about it i would have to say that my mom is my superhero.

she has always been there for me no matter what, and i know that she will always be there for me whenever i need her. she has taught me that i can do anything i set my mind to and that i am perfect just the way i am (even if i don't always believe it all the time) she has been my support through everything and without her i can honestly say i would not be where i am today. she is my rock, my foundation to stand on and without her i would be lost.

even on my weakest days, i get a little big stronger

A Little Bit Stronger -Sara Evans

Woke up late today,
And I still feel the sting of the pain,
But I brush my teeth anyway,
Got dressed through the mess,
and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stonger

Ridin' in the car to work,
And I'm tryin to ignore the hurt,
So I turned on the radio,
Stupid song made me think of you,
I listen to it for a minute,
But then I changed it,
I'm gettin a little bit stronger,
Just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hopin, that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinnin my wheels,
Lettin you drag my heart around, and oh,
And I'm done thinking you could ever change,
I know my heart will never be the same,
But I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger

It doesn't happen overnight,
but you turn around and months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried,
Not givin' you an hour or a second or another minute longer,
I'm busy gettin' stronger

And I'm done hopin, that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinnin my wheels,
Lettin you drag my heart around, and oh,
And I'm done thinking you could ever change,
I know my heart will never be the same,
But I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger

Gettin' on without you baby
I'm better off without you baby
How does it feel without me baby
I'm gettin' stronger without you baby

And I'm done hopin, that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinnin my wheels,
Lettin you drag my heart around, and oh,
And I'm done thinking you could ever change,
I know my heart will never be the same,
But I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger

Just a little bit stronger

Little bit, little bit, a little bit stronger

Get a little bit stronger

day numba five- i'm done hoping we could work it out

a picture of some place you have been...

san francisco :)
(photo cred. to my amazing cousin danielle)

i looooooooove this city. it's absolutely amazing. the thought has crossed my mind to live there one day, but i don't know how i could handle california. but if the opportunity ever arose i would jump on it the first chance i got.

day cuatro - if i knew then, what i know now, i'd fall in love

so i'm behind... so shoot me. i've been busy. but here is day number 4: a habit that you wish you didn't have.

hmm... that's a tough one. as of late i think it would have to be biting my nails. i have usually been pretty good about it ever since i was little. but as of late i have caught myself more than once biting them and honestly it's rather frustrating. i've tried the whole painting thing to avoid it, but when you work with little kids the nail polish doesn't usually stay that long and it drives me absolutely insane when i have a chip. i either have to fix it or take it off completely. ridiculous i know, but it's the truth. so i guess for now i will just try and stop on my own.

oh another one is having to finish a chapter in a book before i can stop. i absolutely can't stand stopping in the middle of a chapter. sometimes it's good, but there are many times where i am tired and want to sleep, but i can't make myself stop reading until i am to the next chapter. i don't know how many times i have stayed up way to late doing that because it bothers me if i don't get to the next chapter before i put my book down.

i'm weird, i know this. whatever.

day tres- never let your prayin' knees get lazy and love like crazy

my sister and me :)

mark and me :)

jillian and me :)

ginger and me :)

rooooooooooommate :)

hands down the best birthday ever :)

the best (former) coworkers a girl could ask for :)

day 2 - happy times are here

the meaning behind my blogger name...

well "there's a place i've been looking for..." are actually the beginning lyrics of the rascal flatts song "here". which i absolutely love.

There's a place I've been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to
Reach
Was you, right here in front of me

[CHORUS]
And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way

[Repeat Chorus]

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to
-here
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you

[Repeat Chorus]

And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
Oh, baby-Ooo
Oh, got me here

but i think the reason that i used it as my blog title was because i am just a girl trying to find her place in this crazy world. i'm taking it one step at a time and learning from everything along the way. sure someday i will find the right place, but until then it's an adventure.

day number uno - i hijacked a rainbow and crashed into a pot of gold

1. i love shoes (mostly heels but anything will do) and purses. it's a little ridiculous how many of both that i own.

2. as much as i love children, it drive me crazy when there is a crying baby out in public. like a screaming child that will not stop. i can't stand it. it drives me absolutely crazy.

3. i love working with children. they just make everything so carefree.

4. i have lived in oregon my whole life and after 23 years i am ready to get out. which is why i decided today that i am fully committed to applying to go to south korea with rooooooommate.

5. my favorite color is purple. i had a complete stranger tell me this because my phone cover is purple and my coach purse is purple.

6. i love taking pictures.

7. my biggest fear is heights. i can't stand heights. at all. bridges. airplanes. ferris wheels. anything too high off the ground.

8. i love quotes. i love finding quotes. they just make me feel better for some reason. sort of inspired i guess.

9. i love raw cookie dough.

10. i want another tattoo. i know exactly what i want and have no idea where i want to put it.

11. this number is my favorite number. has been since i was 7 years old.

12. christmas is my favorite holiday. i can't stand halloween; worst holiday ever.

13. i love mashed potatoes. that is the only way i will eat potatoes. i have been told i make amazing mashed potatoes. my favorite mashed potatoes are at cheesecake factory.

14. i could be perfectly content curled up in sweats under a nice warm blanket next to a fire with a wonderful cup of hot cocoa (with a little kahlua) and a good book.

15. i believe in true love.

send me away with the words of a love song

counting last night i have had a total of 11 hours of sleep in the past 4 nights. if you do that math... well let's just say that it doesn't add up correctly. there is no reason for me to be sleeping so terribly, but here i am again sleeping like crap. basically it's october tomorrow and i am back to where i started a year ago. nightmares of the past, not sleeping, and extremely too much stress.

i'm tired of not sleeping. i'm tired of the nightmares. i'm tired of the stress. i'm tired of not knowing what going on or where things are going. i'm tired of being tired. i just need a weekend where i can sleep all weekend and when i am awake i can just go through everything and have no more stress. :) it would be wonderful. while this would be amazing, i know it isn't going to happen. i need to just suck it up and try and deal with it.

sooooo i stole this from lily's blog, who stole it from amber's blog. i liked it and thought it would be fun. 30 days of blogging. we will see how it goes. :)

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Tumbler Wordpress Blogger name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?

don't worry about me, i'll be fine

"fine" by debra arlyn

this song fits perfectly. on repeat.

some days are good and some days are bad, some nights are better and some nights are worse

today i realized that there are some lessons in life you have to learn the hard way. whether or not we want to admit it, there are times when life is going to deal us a bad hand and not matter how we try to fight it, we are going to have to deal with it. and it's going to be rough. and there will be tears. and it will sometimes feel like there isn't any good coming from it. but in the end it will be worth it. it's getting through all the bad things that's the hard part.

today i realized that getting through my bad things is taking a toll on me. it's getting harder and harder each day. i wake up and tell myself that today is going to be the day where i am going to be able to breathe easy and where everything is going to work out, but somehow my mind takes a turn for the worst and by the end of the day i am emotionally drained from the struggle i am dealing with everyday. i know that i stress about things way to easy and that i let things get to me, but that's who i am and i can't help it. i just want to wake up one morning and have all the bad things be gone be taken away.

today i realized i keep people at a distance for a reason. i'm afraid to let people in because i have a fear of getting hurt. with good reason. i build up the walls around my heart knowing that if i don't let anyone in i won't get hurt. i realize that this is probably not the best route to life, but considering my past, i feel that this is the safe way. i'm too afraid of getting hurt like before that i don't risk it at all.

today i realized that i took that sort of risk. the first risk i have taken since that terrible day almost 3 years ago. and just like i thought, i took the risk on the wrong person. i knew what i was getting into from the beginning and even though i let myself think that this was the right thing to do, i still should have known better.

today i realized that no matter how hard i tried not to, i fell for someone who i know will never fall the same way. sure there is something there, whatever it may be, but it is never going to be what i want it to day. i fell for the wrong person. i just don't know how to deal with it yet.

today i realized that no matter what happens, it will be okay.

pictures of you, pictures of me, remind us all, of what we used to be

so i went from having one job to having two jobs in a matter of days. i will be working in the child development center i am currently at during the day. two nights during the week/weekend i will be babysitting/nannying for a family. i believe they are my second cousin's. i'm related to them somehow, but not entirely sure. every little bit helps i guess.

even though i do have both of these jobs and all, it's still not entirely what i want to do for the rest of my life. i want to be able to get a job within a school district teaching. i want to be able to have the opportunity to further my education and use my degree to it's full extent. there are times when i know that one day i will be able to do this and then there are times when i am scared that i am never going to have the opportunity to do so. it scares me. a lot.

don't get me wrong, where i am at now is fine and i am managing to get things into place. but i know i could do so much better. i want to be able to make a difference in a child's life. i want to be able to say that i did something more than normal. i want to see a child succeed and know that i was part of that greatness. i know that i see this where i am at now, but it isn't the same.

follow me home tonight

i have a job. i have a job. i have a job. :)

seriously two weeks was so incredibly loooooong without work. which is actually the same amount of time before i started working for goddard last year. that was long enough for me. to more. sooooo my job is so laid back and i'm content. right now it is just part-time, but with one of the girls having not come in for almost two weeks, they are considering hiring me on full time. so we will have to see. right now it's a job so i can pay my bills. :) which i am perfectly content with. keeps me busy.

i have put my loans in deferment, since i can't pay them. on one hand it is a weight lifted off my shoulders that i don't have to pay them each month, but i know they are adding interest that i am going to have to pay back. though i know it's better this way. less stressful.

i should be hearing the final status on my car in the next couple of days. my dad said he had a last resort solution he was going to try and if it didn't work, then my car was for sure dead. so we will see where we are going from there. whether i end up having to get a new (used) car or what. currently i still have the truck, and now that i have a job, i am going to have to have some sort of transportation.

i finally got my passport. sweeeeet. now when i am going to use it is a different story. i am hoping this summer for a road trip through canada to alaska to see megan. that would be awesome! we will see.

life is starting together. i'm happy. :)

beautiful complicated mess :)

story of my life...

I close my eyes when I lay down at night
I shut my mind and listen for what's inside
And what I hear is a complicated noise
And what I fear is being alone

It's such a beautiful complicated mess
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
It's such a beautiful complicated mess
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
I've no idea where it's gonna take me next
(I've no idea where it's gonna take me next)
It's such a beautiful complicated...
(It's such a beautiful complicated...)
Mess

You think you have your path planned out
And when it fails, all you're left with is your doubt
I'm gonna try to get my priorities right
And do my thing while at the same time try
to find a love that will make me whole inside

It's such a beautiful complicated mess
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
It's such a beautiful complicated mess
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
I've no idea where it's gonna take me next
(I've no idea where it's gonna take me next)
It's such a beautiful complicated...
(It's such a beautiful complicated...)
Mess

It's such a beautiful complicated mess
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
It's such a beautiful complicated mess
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
I've no idea where it's gonna take me next
(I've no idea where it's gonna take me next)
It's such a beautiful complicated...
(It's such a beautiful complicated...)
Mess

(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)

It's such a beautiful...
It's such a beautiful complicated...
(It's such a beautiful complicated...)
Mess

i want the world to just keep on turning

my current life situation in the form of a list... since i have so many, mine as well just add another list.

* i have entered the world of unemployment and freaking hate it.
*p.s. my last place of employment pulled a douche move and didn't even give me a reason for why they were letting me go. aaaaaaand took a week to give me my final check i was supposed to have by law the next day.
*p.p.s i want to sue. and have been told to do so by many people. assholes.

* i am going to south korea to teach with dani. it's been decided and finalized.

* ruby (my car) has decided to die. this time might be the last time. we aren't sure yet.

* since ruby is dead i am driving a truck. have i mentioned how much i looooove driving a truck.

* i went shooting for the first time in over 4 years. minus the bruises the shotgun gave me, i had a blast.

* my love life is very much the same. very much still up in the air. it is what it is and i guess i'm okay with that. there isn't much i can do.
* i really should not have my phone when i drink. somehow i always manage to say something i probably shouldn't.

* i want to be able to pack up and leave. run away from everything.

i don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly

my birthday was absolutely amazing. there was not a single thing i would change... okay well maybe a couple, but it was pretty much perfect. and i love it. every birthday should be like that i have decided.

it started with dani taking me to get my passport. which she paid for. :) so now i should be getting in at the end of september or the beginning of october, which i am super excited for. even if i don't have anything planned yet, the fact that i have it finally after years of getting crap from people to get it, i finally have it. then we had an amazing lunch at a little french cafe in portland. where i got this yummy treat... which i still haven't eaten because it's so pretty. i just can't bring myself to do it.

then we came back to hillsboro and decided we were going into portland for the night. we didn't really go in with a plan, just knew we were going downtown and from place to place. we ended up going to rock bottom brewery to start.

then we went to huber's because rooooommate insist that i have a spanish coffee on my birthday, plus i was already getting tired (pathetic i know) so i needed something to wake me up.


after we left huber's we needed a bathroom break and upon walking into the bathroom this is the sign that was placed over the light switch. so very random and very entertaining.

well the spanish coffee didn't work so well. we attempted to go to bar 15 to meet up with one of my old coworkers, but one, she had already left and two, they refuse to take sophie's cousin's canadian license so we ended up going to mcfadden's to dance to wake me up even more, which worked for a bit. we stayed for a while and decided we wanted to go to pasha to dance, but by the time we got there, they were getting ready to close, so we called it a night and made out way back to the parking garage over by rock bottom. it was an all around amazing night.

and yes of course they was messy that took place throughout the whole night. secretly holding hands under the table, whispered promises, plenty of flirting, holding hands while waking down the street, stolen kisses and a very public makeout session in the middle of the parking garage. and you know what, i'm okay with all of this. i'm living in the moment. and right now it's good. :) i'm happy.

i feel like running to you tonight

i. hate. my. car. with a passion.

got out to my car this morning to head to work and i tried and tried and tried to start my car and it wouldn't turn over. nothing. it's been doing this off and on since friday. but i would always be able to start it. nope not this time. this time i got nothing.

called my dad, who has always been my mechanic, and will continue to be so. told him what was happening, which he was expecting, just not this soon. i ended up having to call into work and take the whole freaking day off, which i can't really afford to do, but i had no other choice. so instead of having friday off, i will be working, if they are able to put me back on the schedule. which is fine i guess. just frustrating.

my dad was able to drive up, after he had to take a day off work, and after a full day of looking at my car. with lots of cussing and throwing of some parts and tools and many phone calls to many people, we were able to figure out that my spark plugs and my cap and roater needed to be changed. so now it is in working order... till something else goes wrong.

it's so hard to keep a positive attitude about things when it is one thing after another with the negative. it is just so frustrating. i'm trying, but it really isn't working. i just need things to fall into place.

i am working on figuring out consolidation stuff with my loans so i can have a smaller payment. plus once i get my money from my mom i will be able to pay off my credit card and that will be one less thing to pay every month. plus once my saladmaster stuff is payed off that will be even closer to being done. i am currently deciding if i want to apply for a substitute position and do that so i can get into the school districts. i am up in the air about it and need to decide soon cause the opening won't last very long. i just wish things would come together faster.

don't stop believin'... hold on to the feelin'

today was absolutely ridiculous. i only worked a half day because the numbers are so low that they didn't need me till my co teacher left for her doctor's appointment. so this is going on a whole week now that my coteacher and i have not been in the same room for more than 15 minutes. which makes it very hard to get our room ready for the new school year if we can't actually talk about what we are going to do.

work is work. it's frustrating. and all the more reason i need to find something different. and fast. this is not where i want to be. don't get me wrong. i love my children and the opportunity i have to work with them, but this isn't the age group i want to work with, and this school is not somewhere i want to stay. i could go on for days about what they should be doing different or not at all. which is why i am going like crazy trying to apply to jobs. and all over the place. i don't want to limit myself. i just want to find something better than this. because i know there is something better out there. it's just a matter of finding it.

i need to figure out how to do some loan consolidation so all i have is one loan payment instead of 3 every month. it is so frustrating. i need to do some research and figure out what i am going to do, because i need a smaller payment. otherwise i am going to lose my mind. i also need to pay off my credit card. i'm close on my maurices card. that will be one less thing to worry about. and my pots and pans. that would be nice to pay off as well, but that is going to take a bit more time.

i am excited for this weekend. it's birthday weekend. i took friday off because i really didn't want to work the day before my birthday. which is good that i did because apparently roooooommate and i are going to be getting out passports. :) yay for excellent birthday presents.

i think i have linked my sleeping issues to he who shall remain nameless, or as he has been nicknamed, satan. ever since i saw him, i have slept like crap. i blame him.

i just can't live a lie...

this will be short, with more to come later in the week. at some point.

today's visit and talk with he who shall remain nameless got me thinking. yes i became an emotional basket case after i left... this is usually what happens with said person. but something he said triggered something else in me that has never happened before. with the mention of moving across the country, part of me got a little bit jealous. i want to be able to do that. i want to be able to move to a new place and start over. i want the same opportunity he is getting. i know i am not happy here and i know i feel like i am going to get stuck. but i want to be able to start fresh somewhere new... sort of like starting over.

i'm jealous. i'm scared. i'm frustrated. i'm angry. i'm hurt. i'm an emotional mess. i want to know that things will work out and everything will be okay.

i want a fresh start.