swim for the music that saves you when you're not so sure you'll survive

laying here in bed unable to sleep. maybe it's the dripping drain outside my window. maybe it's my heater going on and off keeping the room at a normal temperature rather than the freezing one it's usually at. maybe it's the nightmare i keep having over and over. maybe it's all these thoughts running through my head.

listening to jack's mannequin over and over as i lay here trying to sort through my thoughts. music always seems to help.

as much as i don't want to admit it, i'm scared. far more than i realize i am. i'm scared for monday and the rest of my student teaching. i'm not so scared of the kids but i'm scared of failing. of walking in to that classroom and choking. no matter what anyone has told me, there is that fear in the back of my mind that i can't shake. i'm scared of what post-graduation will bring. or what it might not bring. as much as i am excited to be on my own, the thought of the real world is scary.

i don't think i have been happy happy in a long time. i cannot remember the last time that i was genuinely happy. even being around family it didn't feel complete. don't get me wrong i love my family and being able to spend time with them, but it's just unexplainable i guess. it just seems like something is missing.

things need to... no are going to change come this year. i'm not making a new year's resolution because those always fall through, but mark my word, there will be changes.

the currents will pull us away from our love

so i have come to realize a few things while i have been at home and on vacation:

1) my parents are so blind and a little naive to what my sister is doing.
2) my sister has turned into a spoiled, always expecting something, little 16 year old brat. the real world is going to slap her in the face. and it's going to be hard for me not to say... ''told you so''.
3) i have more than one friend at home. :) i mean i sort of already knew that, but it was nice to be able to hang out with old friends.
4) losing two of my closest friends wasn't as bad as i made it out to be. it needed to be done and i have become a much better person for it. no more bitterness.
5) i am scared to death to start my student teaching. i feel really unprepared and nervous. no matter who tells me or how many times they tell me how good i am going to be, i still feel lost.
6) for as big as a pain it is, i am actually happy we are moving. i love our new house and it will be a difference that will be a good thing.
7) i have a lot of books... far more than i realized i had.
8) i can say no to people. there have been many times that i just felt bad, sort of like they guilt me into doing something, but over break i was able to say no not once but twice to the same person.

i have a lot of packing to do... guess i should start now.

it's the one thing that i've known

i have now made it back to the grove because of some circumstances that needed to be left behind at home. i decided about 20 minutes before i left that it was time for me to go. i don't feel welcome there, i am constantly told my 'shit' is in the way, i get yelled at for doing nothing at all, and i am sick of being ganged up on against both of my parents and my bratty sister. so i decided to pack up my stuff and leave before i said some things that i probably shouldn't.

so now i am back in the grove. which is weird, but better than where i was. sadly i don't have any food here, and my food stamps don't roll over till the 2nd. so this is going to be interesting. i am just going to spend my time packing up my room and such so we can move on the 1st.

going to washington tomorrow to have christmas with my aunt's family and my grandparents. i will be driving myself. hopefully my car will make it nice and safe. i guess we will just have to wait and see. i have to go to gaston first to get present from my uncle and then hit the road. hopefully my aunt will let me bring my one load of laundry to do since i left my house in a hurry tonight.

there is just so much to do right now... i should probably get the stuff out of my suitcase that i am going to need tomorrow, but i really just don't care. all i really want to do is crawl into bed.

oh christmas tree, oh christmas tree

My Favorites of the Christmas Season:

Smell: apple cinnamon

Song: holy night

Symbol: well this year our house was covered in snowman cause my mom decorated. they are always pretty cute. i love snowflakes too.

Tradition: there is always the tradition of having 3 different christmas'. one with my mom's side of the family, one with my dad's and then one at home with my parents and my sister. this year though we haven't gone to maupin cause of the snow, and mcminnville was cancelled as well. i love being able to see most of my family every year.

Movie - home alone, miracle on 34th street, the santa clause.

Sweet - homemade fudge and almond roca.

Gift Received - this year... my children's books and a gift card to shop with. it's not much, but i love it anyways.

Gift Given: hmm... probably my mom's frame that i made or sharone's present that she will be getting when we get back to school. jillian's book was pretty cool.

Meal - christmas eve dinner. :)

i can't out run it, just keeps coming, oh your love is relentless

gingerbread houses, kaluha cakes and lots of sugar. :)

i have finished my sister's christmas present finally. only took me two days, but i waited until the very last minute. go figure. i even procrastinate on presents. haha. that's okay i haven't made my dad's yet. hopefully i will be able to find the tools i need to make it.

tomorrow is jillian. :) yay. very excited. headed to eugene to buy sharone's present. among other things i'm sure. very excited to spend the day... or at least a good portion of the day with her. for the first time in forever. hehe.

i was up till like 3am reading last night. i just couldn't put the book down.

woke up to snow this morning... luckily it has melted away. but i have a feeling we might have some tomorrow... i just hope not a lot so i will be able to drive tomorrow. at least we don't have 2 feet like my grandparents in maupin. though we are supposed to venture over there this coming weekend. possibly. not quite sure how that is going to work just yet.

who knows when i am going to make it back to the grove. or what all i am going to be bringing back. quite possibly be more furniture on top of christmas gifts too.

more reading. :) can't get enough of it.

who i am, who i'm not and who i wanna be

you know it is interesting how much i wanted to be at home, but now that i am here... it isn't all i wished it would be. i mean sure its nice to get away from the house and all the annoyingness of certain roommates, to get away from forest grove and to just be able to relax and not have to stress over things school related. but to come home to more stress and bitchy people and family members who really don't want me here isn't the greatest feeling.

this is part of the reason that i don't like coming home. i guess i just don't feel unappreciated. attempted to help my mom clean up the kitchen today and all i got was yelled at for being in the way and being too pushy. tried to help my sister with her room and such last night and i got told that i wasn't helping only making a bigger mess, which was crap. i try and tell my sister that her attitude towards all of us is awful and i am the one getting yelled at by my mom... doesn't make sense to me either.

my sister's attitude and the way she acts is driving me up the wall. if she isn't texting she is talking on the phone to her boyfriend in georgia. which i still think is ridiculous. then if she is asked to do something, she ignores whoever is asking her or just yells at us for being so rude. i just don't really get it.

i guess a couple good things that has come out of being at home is hanging out with a friend i haven't actually out with since high school. it was good to see her. and now that she is in philomath and not eugene till she leaves for boston in august i'm sure we will be seeing more of each other. i also get to see jillian and actually spend a good solid half the day with her on tuesday doing some christmas shopping. yay. i also get to sleep in and read something that isn't textbooks or my work sample.

speaking of work sample... i have finally figured out my second placement. no thanks to debbie mind you. my teacher i am currently with asked around and has given me a 6th grade teacher who is very interested in having me. :) i haven't emailed her yet, but i am going to tomorrow. and i guess i should inform debbie that she can stop 'bothering' people as she has put it before.

haha i love getting phone calls from people that i don't want to hear from. good thing i had a good lie to use... that wasn't actually a lie when i told it to him. oh well. at least i got out of it.

sadly we didn't go to maupin this weekend cause both the moutain and the gorge roads are closed and my grandma said they had snow that was up to her hips over there. i am just hoping that is goes away soon so we can make it next weekend. otherwise there will be no christmas with my mom's side of the family, which wouldn't be be so bad except for the fact that we aren't having christmas with my dad's side of the family either. sort of. we aren't doing anything with my grandpa at his house this year cause joyce decided she couldn't handle it, which is bullshit. so instead we are just doing dinner at our house and my aunt and uncle from salem are coming down. it just isn't going to be the same, but oh well i guess.

stealing even more music from my sister. :) love it.

i swear everyone is either getting married or having babies these days. today alone i have found out about 2 different people from my high school graduating class who are pregnant and there was one engagement that austyn told me about. goodness.

also found out some happy news from a friend. very cute and actually really surprising. i am super happy for her, but can't help being a little jealous at the same time. she'll never know that cause i wouldn't ever tell her, but i know deep down i am.

so ready for christmas to come. doesn't really feel like it, but i'm excited anyways. i am going to be finishing my sister's present tomorrow and will also be baking. :) i also need to go to the bank and deposit one last check for the gas bill that i think has finally gone through.

off to read yet another book. 5th one of break.

lost and insecure, you found me

new music. :) love being able to steal it from my sister. always finding good music.

got to hang out with a long lost friend for most of the day. it was nice to catch up and see her family for the first time in ages. now i talk to a whole maybe 5 people from high school... haha :) that doesn't actually bother me either.

one thing i hata about being at home is the lack of space. i know there is nothing i can do about it, but it does make me feel like i don't really fit in here anymore. currently my suitcase and other bag are sitting in the hallway to my sister's room on top of the old toy box. i don't have space to put any of my things. i just have to put them on top of stuff already there. it is so frustrating and my parents just don't see it. it's really frustrating.

another thing i cannot handle being at home about is the fact that my sister gets away with everything. she has become this spoiled brat that gets pretty much whatever she wants. my dad sort of understands what i mean, but not fully. my mom is completely blinded by it and defends her no matter what. and if she tells me i am jealous of my sister one more time and her so called "relationship" i might scream. i just want my mom to wake up and see what she is doing before my sister goes out into the real world and is screwed.

on a brighter note... my housemates and i got the house we were looking into moving to. it is amazing and i can't wait to move in. not quite sure when that is going to be, but hopefully sooner rather than later. i am tired of our current landlord who's an idiot.

i start student teaching january 5th and i am scared to death... very nerve racking. but but but i finally got my second placement finalized. :) i now need to email her and tell debbie i have found my other placement on my own. no thanks to her. i will be very happy when i don't have to deal with her.

i think i am going to go through this house and freaking de-packrat it. there is crap everywhere and it is driving me up the freaking wall. they need to freaking get ahold of things and stop collecting so many stupid piles. too much stuff for such a small space. get over it and throw shit away already. ugh.

soooooo apparently our dish network that we have is no longer carrying our cbs channel anymore. so when i was trying to finish csi:ny earlier it totally cut me off and said the channel no longer exists. i was so mad.

off to watch some basketball. maybe read.

want to have the same last dream again

this weather is terrible. snow here always means we have tons of ice later. never never a good thing. i am already sick of it and wish it would just go away. this means i can't drive my car cause i just slide. and my windsheild wipers decided it would be a good idea to not work all of a sudden... lovely.

i am now the only girl in the house... wonderful. it is never fun. thankfully i am currently home alone. but these next couple of weeks aren't going to be fun.

i have a lot to do before the end of this week. i still need to make almond roca (which means i need a candy thermometer), more fudge, i need to work on my sister's present. need to make austyn her present, need to figure out house stuff, not to mention work. lovely.

i would rather be somewhere where it was not snowing or have snow. like home. :)

my roommate got my shoes fixed for my christmas present. it wasn't anything terribly huge but i was soooo happy. i have 2 more pair of heels to wear now. :) so happy. i guess it's the little things that count.

off to read my second book of break. close to half way done with it. love that it's break.

she wants to run outside and scream like hell

my cousin is going to be fine. :) best news of this whole semester. thankfully her tumor was not cancerous and i believe that she has gone home today to the rest of the family. wish i was there.

in fact i wish i was anywhere but here. i am absolutely sick of pretty much everyone in the house. i don't even really know what to say. i just wish i could leave. hopefully i can get away for the weekend. that would be wonderful.

for being on break i still feel stressed. go figure. maybe it's cause i still don't know where we are living. or possibly cause i have to ask my grandpa for more money cause we have to move. or maybe it's the people that i have to live with again. maybe it's because i still have a lot to do even though it is break. meh.

my sister is turning 16 in 4 days... goodness she makes me feel old.

no real motivation to do anything. i have slept for most of the afternoon. going to ryan's concert tonight with lisa and austyn. should be fun. then i will probably come back to the house, avoid the people i would rather not see and read the night away.

meh off to get ready.

happy as the sun, lighter than a feather

oh it feels so good to be done. now if only there wasn't all this other stress about many other things to worry about this would be a wonderful break.

still have to figure out moving situation, really want to be in washington with my family, but can't, have to work to make money, must yet again ask my grandpa for money since we have to move, not to mention having to be the only girl again in the house for most of break and all of january. ugh.

it really wouldn't be that bad to be the only girl except for the fact that one of my housemates has turned into an ass. now that i am up to date on everything he has said or mentioned i really have no respect for him. not that i had much of it before, but still. you knew what you were getting yourself into when you decided to live with all of us so quit being an ass about everything. another thing is respect... there isn't a lot of it coming from him. and my other housemate that i have always been tired of is stilllll a slob. i'm sorry that i make a big deal about it, but i don't like living in filth and am not here to clean up after you. i have 24 kids to do that for already. things have to change if we get the house we are looking at.

speaking of the house... it's amazing. a much better upgrade than we have now for only $20 more a month. i am okay with that. :) not to mention a jacuzzi tub in my bathroom, a bigger room and a much bigger walk in closet. and since the house in nicer, things will not be like they are here. we have to keep it cleaner or we are going to have a big big problem. not to mention i might go crazy. i guess it's a good thing i am never going to be at the house since i am student teaching full time. i'm okay with this... for now.

dying my hair tonight. :) already started making presents. have 3 done. 3 more that are so close. one will take a couple days. my sister's is gonna take most of break. making practice fudge tonight. thought about almond roca, but then realized i didn't have a few important things. sharone is wrapping my done presents also... since she loves it oh so much.

love the fact that i can read for enjoyment now. :) it is going to be wonderful. absolutely wonderful. i have already started a book. so many to read. and i can sleep in, sort of.

not sure when i am actually coming home. probably right before we leave for maupin and then i will stay there through christmas. then back up here to move. oh joy. also found out that we will need to find a washer cause my dad apprently sold the one that we had in storage. but we do have a dryer.

so far with my grades i have a pass in my work sample/practicum class and an b+ in my psych class. just waiting for soc and my other ed class. i'm sure i have an a in the ed class, but not sure about the soc class. we will see. hoping for the dean's list, but who knows.

it's starting to set in that i am going to be student teaching full time starting in january... it's scary really. i am excited but so nervous at the same time.

off to the store with sharone. finally getting to hang out for a longer period of time than just dinner. :)

hoping for the best

this is dedicated to you little one. you know we love you and you are a fighter. you can beat this. you are in out thoughts and prayers at all times. i love you!

"What Cancer Cannot Do
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit"
-unknown

If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell.
Lance Armstrong

Once you choose hope, anything's possible.
Christopher Reeve

Keep holding on the rope of life and open your eyes after you reach the top.
- Trust Me

Life is too short
Don't waste a minute
Enjoy each day
And everyone in it

Tomorrow will come
It could be your last
Make the most of today
Life passes too fast.

I look to the sky and what do I see?
A castle, a rainbow, and dreams for me,
An end to this battle that I must fight,
To rid my feelings of depression and fright,
An end to cancer is not far away,
It will be here someday... someday.

God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow or sun without rain.
But god did promise strength for the day comfort for the tears and light for the way.
and all who believe in his kingdom above.
He answers their faith with everlasting live God Bless

I am, and always will be a survivor

I will conquer anything that dares to cross my path.

all seem to mingle into one

just when i thought this week was starting to look up more bad news comes my way. it seems never ending.

this morning i was woken up by a phone call that topped all of the bad news that i have been given this week. my mom informed me that my cousin in washington who is also epileptic has been diagnosed with a grapefruit sized cancerous tumor that is wrapped around her ovaries and fallopian tube. they are going to try and operate either tonight or tomorrow morning.

i wish i didn't have my final on tuesday morning or i would drive up with my mom. so worried.

today is ginger's birthday so i will be able to take my mind away from the worry for tonight when we take her out. should be a good night. :)

just hasn't been my week. hopefully next week will be better.

remind us all of what we used to be

today was better... sort of.

have finally learned that my 5 credits i had left over have been waived. i can now graduate on time without having to take extra classes while i am student teaching. thankfully.

the property manager lady called me back this morning, so we are getting a formal viewing of the house on sunday at 2. i really hope this all works out.

our soc project is a pain in the ass. really i think it is pointless. doing the research was cool cause we got to watch the disney movies, but the rest i am not a fan of. group papers are just ridiculous. far much more work than is needed. that is what will be consuming my life this weekend.

i really would like it to be break already. though break means the pain of moving. ugh.

off to read. or watch something. or sleep. who knows.

but anything goes when everything's gone

this week hasn't been the greatest. it's been a roller coaster ride from the start.

certain things should be left unsaid. don't get me wrong, i was glad my mom decided to tell me, but it just wasn't something i really needed to hear. brought up many things i had buried and would rather not think about.

learned we were getting kicked out of our house because our landlord is an idiot and feels it is not important to pay the mortgage. so now we are left to find a new house during the holiday break and move. what a wonderful gift to us. luckily we have some prospects, including an amazing house that is literally over the fence from us. it's so wonderful. now if only the property management company would call us back. that would be wonderful.

still do not have a second placement, but i have been told "not to worry, it will work itself out". ugh. also i still do not know about my credits situation from mike. i have to go give him my academic evaluation tomorrow so he can move forward with it. so frustrating.

i just hope something goes right or good for us soon or i might crack.

decided to color my hair again. not sure when i am going to do it. in the next week or so. also while doing that, sharone will be wrapping my gifts that are done so far. since she loves doing it. plus i have started my baking. i am making a cherry pie tomorrow. made the dough for the crust tonight... wonderful.

once break starts it will be filled with not only my classroom and work, but reading and baking and christmas gifts. :) love it. oh and i guess finding and moving to our new house. not so wonderful.

off to finish crossing jordan and sleep.