the whole world is moving and i'm standing still

the job search continues. i have finally gotten my other letter of rec i have been waiting for over three weeks for. :) so that should help things a bit. plus i plan on buckling down and hardcore doing searching, because i am not happy where i am at and i really think it might be starting to show. i hate to say it, but it is. i need to stay positive, but there are just times when it is so incredibly hard.

i think the thing that frustrates me is i have now been beaten out of two jobs to people who have master's degrees. so frustrating. i know i have to get my master's degree, but right now it isn't in my budget and i can't afford it. i know i have 9 years left, so here is to that.

i also feel afraid that i am going to get stuck in my current job and i don't want that. i am afraid i am just not going to be able to find something else and i am going to end up getting stuck there because i know i already have it. it is just so frustrating because it isn't where i want to be.

when i think about all this, i get extremely overwhelmed and frustrated. then i get upset and i start over thinking about things, including job, money, the not so distant future of having to move, where to go, how to pay for it all etc. i know i need to calm down and take it all one step at a time, but sometimes i just can't help but think about it all, because it is all right there in front of me waiting to be answered. and i feel like sometimes i have to have the answers right now instead of waiting to see what happens.

i think there is a reason i have always had walls around my heart. for fear of getting hurt again. and just when i thought it was okay to slowly bring them down something happens and i feel i have built those walls even higher. i fear they are just going to get higher and higher and i am going to push everyone away. i already don't let a lot of people in or get close but i fear that i won't let anyone in at all.

i need the opportunity to clear my head and be able to fully breathe again. i always feel so overwhelmed and like there is never enough time for everything.

you're just another picture to burn

it's official. my car is out to get me. i swear. i spent most of the night saturday after my bbq stranded in portland because for some awful reason, my car completely died on me while driving. long story short. had it towed to my uncle's place of employment's parking lot and came back the next day to tackle the job of figuring out what the hell was wrong. basically we thought it was the alternator or the battery. both of which we took out and ended up taking in to get checked. they both passed. we put them both back in my car and what do you know, it starts just fine. and has been running completely fine ever since. ugh i could kill my car. seriously. pain in the neck. completely.

on top of all the car drama, i am getting sick. strep is going around my school and i am terrified i am going to get it. which would be awful because having no health insurance currently would make it very hard for me to get meds, which i would need to fight off the strep. lovely.

i am at the point where my sadness has turned to anger. i was and am still currently so furious with the whole damn situation i have in front of me. i'm furious for even getting mixed up in it. i'm furious about how things ended. i'm furious with you thinking it was all okay like it was no big deal. i'm furious with the whole thing. i'm to the point that i want nothing to do with you. at all. if i had it my way we would no longer be friends. furious. i have only ever hated one person and that was for a perfectly good reason. but i'm getting to the point that you are going to be my number two. you suck and i hope karma hits you hard.

i'm so ready for more sleep.

to let go out the window, just let it flow out of my mind

the most memorable people in life will be the people who loved you when you weren't very lovable

i have a hard time thinking to myself that i am currently not a very lovable person, given my current messy situation and the complicated mess it has become. but there are definitely times when i wake up feeling not very lovable. i am also starting to hate messy and complicated.

on a brighter note i got to spend the whole day yesterday with jillian! it was amazing to get to see her and hang out. sushi was delicious. and just being able to see her and spend the day with her was wonderful. plus we were able to take more pictures, which is always a plus since we actually remembered this time. haha :)

i am bummed how the weekend goes by so fast. it's already sunday and i am so not ready for the work week to be back. last week totally drained me of my energy and i feel like i need a whole week to catch up and be ready to go back. i am just glad my co-teacher will be back and is getting better and hopefully will fully recover from her sickness this time. i can't believe that it's already almost the end of may and that summer is quickly approaching. summer program here we come... oy vey.

my to do lists are growing extremely fast, especially since i basically avoided them all of last week and couldn't even handle looking at them. i don't want to look at them, but must.

you don't understand me and you never even tried

i was productive and sort of proactive after work today. which is saying something given the last two weeks where i have had no energy. though i still don't have energy and am running on probably 3 maaaaybe 4 hours of sleep for the past 3 days. anyways... me being proactive equaled me job hunting. :) i applied to 3 different openings i found and am working on a fourth. but that requires to rewrite my entire cover letter and i didn't have the energy to do so tonight. tomorrow night. but i was happy with it.

for as much as i complain about my job i know i am lucky to have it. i am not on unemployment and i can pay my bills. but i seriously need something new or i am going to go completely insane. i am tired of being tired. i am tired of being sick. i am tired of my co-teacher being sick. i am tired of being stressed and overwhelmed. i am also tired of drama.

i just need something positive to happen soon. positivity is lacking. big time.

on a brighter note though... only 6 weeks! best countdown ever. :) :) :)

every heartache makes you stronger

seriously why must life be so incredibly complicated right now. i was perfectly content with the way things were before. there was no confusion, no complication, no ridiculous. and now everything has gone to shit. no speaking from either end, frustration, and anger. not to mention cheating and lying. big time. i don't like complicated and i don't do complicated.

i found this quote the other day and it seemed to be fitting:

"life is a roller coaster. you can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it."

i would rather not have to deal with any of this. that's what i do. if there is something i'm struggling with it. i just bury it and suppress how i'm feeling. i know that's not good, but then when i do that, i don't have to sort through everything and it just blows over, for the most part.

sometimes i wish there was a time machine to be able to go back and change things. although i think most people think that at some point in their life. a time machine would be perfect right about now. every day is different. some are better than others. some days i don't even think about any of this, and then there are others in which it basically consumes my mind. i need a distraction. a big one.

i'll be better when i'm older

leaving work in tears today is not my idea of a good day. it isn't my idea of normal either. this is getting really old. don't get me wrong, i love my kiddos and i love my co-teacher, but the higher up staff are absolutely incompetent and are so extremely frustrating. i feel a monkey could run the school far better than all of them are. would probably have much better communication with the teachers too. seriously.
i don't mean to be negative and i'm not trying to create waves, but it is getting really hard to bite my tongue. there have been countless times where i have just wanted to turn to them and ask what the hell they are doing or thinking. or wanted to just tell them all to take a flying leap. seriously it's absolutely ridiculous. i'm afraid one of these days i am not going to be able to bite my tongue and i am going to say something i regret. it's just ridiculous how much specific teachers get away with. oy. vent over... for now. i'm sure there will be more. it is only tuesday.

on a more positive note, minus my children being absolutely crazy, i still love teaching. no matter what my mood is, whether frustration is looming or i am on the verge of tears, my children always know how to cheer me up. whether it is something hilarious they say or something just as funny that they do. :) i love it.

here are some pictures of one of our more recent art projects: painting upside down like michaelangelo:

starting out: we taped a large piece of paper on the underside of our table.

we then let the children chose their paint colors and had them lay on the floor and go to town. :)

the finished product with meghan doing some final touch ups. :)

eyes wide shut unopened, you and me, always between the lines

i feel so overwhelmed with everything that is going on. work, the candle thing, money, grad school thoughts, that stupid word situation, just so many things. i am having trouble figuring them all out and trying to sort things out one at a time isn't working. trying to keep my mine occupied isn't helping either.

because i am trying to keep my mind clear i was super productive today. i did all my laundry, cleaned my room, did all the dishes, cleaned out the bad food, vacuumed the apartment, added to my goodwill pile, started rooooooommate's welcome home gift, started organizing the gigantic pile of papers i have accumulated of the last couple months, and i ran all my errands for things i need for school tomorrow. i guess keeping my mind off things helps me be productive, but it sure doesn't help make me feel any better about anything.

i do have to say having the apartment to myself has been nice. i don't have to deal with any of the annoyingness of ben being all the time. :) which makes me pretty happy. i just get fed up with him being here all the time and it's nice to not have to deal with him. i have 3.5 more days of peace. and i plan to enjoy them.