for as long as i can remember, i have also had a plan when it came to my life and my future. and while that said plan has been modified, changed, or completely been scrapped and re-written, a plan has also been in place. so what happens when you come to a point in your life where you have a big decision to make and no plan set in place with NO CLUE where to go next...
growing up, everyone has the expectation of what they think their life is going to be like. and while society tells you that you should graduate from high school, go to college and get a degree, find a job, settle down and get married and have children (in that order of course), i have always dreamed bigger. don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that and i want all of those things, but i also want more than just a cookie cutter life just because society tells me that's what i am supposed to do. i want to be able to look back on my life and be proud of what i did and not regret a single decision i've made.
should i stay or should i go? (i'm fairly certain this is a song title) but this is literally my current dilemma. you might look at that question and say to yourself, that isn't a hard question... it's one or the other, just pick one. but in all reality, it's a much harder decision than you think.
for the past almost 21 months i have had the wonderful opportunity to live and work in my career field in south korea. these past 21 months have been more than i could have imagined. i have had the opportunity to work with some amazing teachers and students (and of course some not so amazing ones), i have met plenty of awesome (and not so awesome) people along the way, many of which i can say are among my closest life-long friends, i have been given the opportunity to further my career in an exciting and not so conventional way and i have been able to travel and see parts of the world i wouldn't necessarily been able to do otherwise. and while my last 21 months haven't been all rainbows and happiness, i have loved every minute of it and wouldn't change it for anything. but it's getting to be that time of the year again where school contracts are ending and the english teachers around the country and to make the decision, "should i stay or should i go?"
for some of us it's an easy decision, stay. why would you leave the simple life that is korea? you have a good job that pays really well, excellent health insurance, a payed for apartment, little work and relatively good working hours, the chance to travel and all the other aspects of ease living in korea. why would you want to go back to a country where the job market isn't the brightest, things are expensive and there is so much uncertainty and stress... there comes a point in time that people continue to stay because it's comfortable and easy. while that isn't a bad thing, it isn't for everyone.
and then there are the others, myself included, who are torn between the two. while i have all the great benefits of living and working here in korea, i can safely say this isn't where i want to spend the rest of my life. i don't want to become one of those people we call "lifers" that stay because it's easy and they are comfortable here. i want to do bigger things with my life... call me crazy or just a dreamer, but i want to say that i made a difference in someone's life. but sitting down and looking at things, while the easy decision for me would be to choose to go home and start the next chapter of my life i pause and wonder if that's what i should really do.
i sit and think and second guess everything i think regarding this decision. do i really want to go back to america? where the job market isn't much better than when i left almost two years ago? where i have no place to call my own? or a car? or a solid source of income? i would be moving back to america without a solid plan set in place. and when i think about that, it scares me. a lot. i don't want to go back home and be forced to find a job because i have to pay my bills. i don't want to be the 26 year old who has to live with her parents because she has to. on the other hand though, i don't want to decide to stay where i am currently at and later on down the road regret and resent myself for my decisions. i've had a friend tell me personally that it's the worst feeling in the world.
i've talked to plenty of people; my parents, my sister, my aunt, my close friends, other friends, and others in the same boat i am and everyone says something different. stay, go somewhere else, make a pro/con list, weigh your options, go home, run away as fast as you can, listen to your gut, do what makes you happy etc. of course people are going to have biased opinions on what i should do, and in the end i know that it's my decision to make, no one else.
there are days where i find myself knowing exactly what i want. i am going to go home and figure it out from there.... i'm done with korea. but then there are days where i have an excellent day with my students or i get bombarded by my kindergarteners with hugs and i think to myself, "how could i leave a job that i love for uncertainty" it's like i am being torn in a million different directions... i'm happy here. but i don't want to get too comfortable. i want something more for myself. i want to start a new chapter. but i don't want to fail.
the more i toss and turn at night thinking about my decision, the more i am slowly coming to terms with the fact that sometimes in life you don't always have a plan and that is okay. people say that everything works out the way it's supposed to in the end... that doesn't make the journey along the way any less stressful.
so for now, i will finish my cup of tea, turn out the lights and pray for a uninterrupted night of sleep...
http://www.nomadicmatt.com/travel-blogs/everyone-say-im-running-away/
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