today ended up being a very blah day. i think the highlight of my day was my walk/playing in the snow this afternoon. :) even if i was cold and my socks fell off in my boots it was still fun to walk around and play in the snow. minus getting hit in the face with a snowball one too many times.
other than that i haven't had the energy to do anything. 2.5 hours of sleep isn't enough. i miss getting more than 5 or 6 hours of sleep. i am thinking that once i go back to work i am going to find a doctor over in clackamas and make an appointment to try and figure out what is wrong. because this is getting ridiculous, not mention i think work. 2.5 hours is the least i have slept in the last two months. i want to be able to get over this on my own, but i am starting to get more and more frustrated with it, which probably isn't helping the fact that i already don't sleep enough. maybe my vacation that starts tomorrow will help with this lack of sleep, maybe.
there is so much that i want to write, but my thoughts are so jumbled that i can't keep them straight and they are all trying to spill out at once. i just need to be able to focus and write everything down. maybe that would help me sort through my feelings and understand them better.
i think why i have felt crappy for the last couple days is i am afraid of getting stuck. there are so many people in my life that are doing so many great things with their lives and i feel like i am getting set in my ways and i am getting stuck. i don't want to settle for less and i want to leave my mark on this place. i want to do something that matters. i want to make a difference.
i think a lot of how i feel is the fact that i miss so many people. i feel like i am constantly missing someone. whether it is my roooooomate, friends from college or high school, or family. most of all i miss my roommate. i miss being able to call her or actually see her anytime i want.
off to attempt to sleep. or read. or sort through my thoughts.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
oh you forced me to become strong when i just craved being weak
this day officially is a terrible day and it's not even noon yet. i would like it to be over already. please.
total hours of sleep last night: 2.5 hours. the worst amount of sleep i have gotten since this whole sleep problem started. i tossed and turned and couldn't get comfortable. i even went out on to the couch and tried to close my eyes there, but got too cold. i read a little, watched a tv show. granted i have a pretty good indication as to why i slept like crap this night, or at least what helped me sleep worse than i already do.
you, my so called friend, can go take a flying leap off a bridge for all i care. that pretty much sums up how i feel about you and our "friendship". i don't have to deal with this and i don't plan to. i'm done with everything. just go away forever.
because i got such little sleep i have no energy to do anything but just lay here and attempt to sleep more, which is very unlikely to happen. this sucks. today is such a useless day. boo
total hours of sleep last night: 2.5 hours. the worst amount of sleep i have gotten since this whole sleep problem started. i tossed and turned and couldn't get comfortable. i even went out on to the couch and tried to close my eyes there, but got too cold. i read a little, watched a tv show. granted i have a pretty good indication as to why i slept like crap this night, or at least what helped me sleep worse than i already do.
you, my so called friend, can go take a flying leap off a bridge for all i care. that pretty much sums up how i feel about you and our "friendship". i don't have to deal with this and i don't plan to. i'm done with everything. just go away forever.
because i got such little sleep i have no energy to do anything but just lay here and attempt to sleep more, which is very unlikely to happen. this sucks. today is such a useless day. boo
Monday, December 28, 2009
so i'll come back to you someday
this christmas was completely insane. but so worth it. :) three christmas's is a little bit hectic, but it reminds me of my childhood and makes me smile.
christmas eve was ridiculous. the whole day. i got about 3 hours of sleep. had to be at work at 7am. luckily it was a slow day, so i was able to leave earlier than i thought, which didn't help much since there was an accident, so i was still almost late to dinner. and got yelled at for it. go figure. stupid old lady. haha needless to say i was working on 3 hours of sleep and ended up being up for 21 hours. boo. and i stillll slept like crap. seriously my internal body clock hates me hardcore. my other two christmas's were much better than christmas eve. :)
my vacation out of oregon can't come soon enough. i just need to get away from oregon for more than just a day. i need to clear my head from all mess that it has become and i need to refocus and get back on track. and i will have help, thanks to ginger. she is just going to slap me into focus. haha :) that's why i keep her around.
this whole not thinking about you thing failed epically so far. if you would just leave me alone and stop talking to me it would help. i have asked you nicely and if it does not work i am going to get mean. this whole thing is crap. you have a funny way of showing being sooooo worried about our friendship. meh... also why i need to get the hell out of oregon. asap. goodness you suck.
so this not sleeping thing is annoying and thanks to jillian i have some tips to try and help. so i am gonna put up my curtains that i have had since i moved in and never put up. hoping to block out more light. it's a small thing, but maybe it will help. seeing how i have a street lamp right outside my window. we will see if i can actually get them up and if that helps. i'm hoping so, even if it's a little.
i feel that i should start repacking stuff for washington. i technically never really unpacked most of my stuff from my first trip, but i don't have a lot of anything else to do. or maybe i will read my new books. or there is always more desperate housewives.
dinner first. what to cook?
christmas eve was ridiculous. the whole day. i got about 3 hours of sleep. had to be at work at 7am. luckily it was a slow day, so i was able to leave earlier than i thought, which didn't help much since there was an accident, so i was still almost late to dinner. and got yelled at for it. go figure. stupid old lady. haha needless to say i was working on 3 hours of sleep and ended up being up for 21 hours. boo. and i stillll slept like crap. seriously my internal body clock hates me hardcore. my other two christmas's were much better than christmas eve. :)
my vacation out of oregon can't come soon enough. i just need to get away from oregon for more than just a day. i need to clear my head from all mess that it has become and i need to refocus and get back on track. and i will have help, thanks to ginger. she is just going to slap me into focus. haha :) that's why i keep her around.
this whole not thinking about you thing failed epically so far. if you would just leave me alone and stop talking to me it would help. i have asked you nicely and if it does not work i am going to get mean. this whole thing is crap. you have a funny way of showing being sooooo worried about our friendship. meh... also why i need to get the hell out of oregon. asap. goodness you suck.
so this not sleeping thing is annoying and thanks to jillian i have some tips to try and help. so i am gonna put up my curtains that i have had since i moved in and never put up. hoping to block out more light. it's a small thing, but maybe it will help. seeing how i have a street lamp right outside my window. we will see if i can actually get them up and if that helps. i'm hoping so, even if it's a little.
i feel that i should start repacking stuff for washington. i technically never really unpacked most of my stuff from my first trip, but i don't have a lot of anything else to do. or maybe i will read my new books. or there is always more desperate housewives.
dinner first. what to cook?
Thursday, December 24, 2009
from falling apart to fighting mad, to wanting you back to not giving a damn, i've felt it all
hello vacation... how i have been looking forward to seeing you. for the next 10 days. :D it will be wonderful. :) it will be bliss.
got off work early, which was nice. :) seeing how i had to be there at 7. gross. i hate getting up that freaking early. when i went to start my car this morning there was ice of course, but it was "glittering" too. it was little tiny flakes that looked like glitter. maybe that means there will be snow... that would be wonderful, even though i am going to get my snow next week. :)
my goal for my break is to get this sleep problem figured out so i actually sleep more than 3 hours like i did last night. the fact that i had to be up at 4:30 sucked anyways... but on top of that not to be able to sleep worth crap is frustrating. this has been going on long enough that i am starting to get used to not sleeping and functioning on 4 or less hours of sleep, but that doesn't mean that i like it. boo.
my other goal for break is to not have to think about you. i was doing so well with not talking to you at all and then you decide to go and mess everything up. and saturday didn't help either, but i think that was more my fault than yours, but i still blame you. i think it was better when we weren't talking at all. and then you go and pull the "i miss talking to you" crap. good lord, would you please make up your mind and stick to it. i don't need or want to deal with this and you can't have your cake and eat it too (cliche i know, but it fits) i just to get over this whole thing and not have a constant reminder of everything all the time. just figure it out and then keep it to yourself. i don't wanna hear it. vent over. i feel a little better.
i also don't have to think about lesson plans for the entire month of january, cause they are pretty much done. my co-teacher and i rock. :) the week we get back, everything is set. the only thing i need to actually do is reserve books at the library to pick them up.
i need a haircut super bad. another goal for my break. guess i should call and make an appointment for monday or tuesday before i peace out for the rest of the week. :)
wednesday through saturday should be a nice stress reliever. plus it will keep my mind occupied and hopefully clear of all things negative. here's hoping for that.
off to figure out how to get warm, a much needed nap and prepare myself for a dinner full of drama and ridiculousness. i am going to need a good bottle of wine to handle this dinner. no joke.
got off work early, which was nice. :) seeing how i had to be there at 7. gross. i hate getting up that freaking early. when i went to start my car this morning there was ice of course, but it was "glittering" too. it was little tiny flakes that looked like glitter. maybe that means there will be snow... that would be wonderful, even though i am going to get my snow next week. :)
my goal for my break is to get this sleep problem figured out so i actually sleep more than 3 hours like i did last night. the fact that i had to be up at 4:30 sucked anyways... but on top of that not to be able to sleep worth crap is frustrating. this has been going on long enough that i am starting to get used to not sleeping and functioning on 4 or less hours of sleep, but that doesn't mean that i like it. boo.
my other goal for break is to not have to think about you. i was doing so well with not talking to you at all and then you decide to go and mess everything up. and saturday didn't help either, but i think that was more my fault than yours, but i still blame you. i think it was better when we weren't talking at all. and then you go and pull the "i miss talking to you" crap. good lord, would you please make up your mind and stick to it. i don't need or want to deal with this and you can't have your cake and eat it too (cliche i know, but it fits) i just to get over this whole thing and not have a constant reminder of everything all the time. just figure it out and then keep it to yourself. i don't wanna hear it. vent over. i feel a little better.
i also don't have to think about lesson plans for the entire month of january, cause they are pretty much done. my co-teacher and i rock. :) the week we get back, everything is set. the only thing i need to actually do is reserve books at the library to pick them up.
i need a haircut super bad. another goal for my break. guess i should call and make an appointment for monday or tuesday before i peace out for the rest of the week. :)
wednesday through saturday should be a nice stress reliever. plus it will keep my mind occupied and hopefully clear of all things negative. here's hoping for that.
off to figure out how to get warm, a much needed nap and prepare myself for a dinner full of drama and ridiculousness. i am going to need a good bottle of wine to handle this dinner. no joke.
Monday, December 21, 2009
i run my life, or is it running me, i run my past, i run to fast or too slow it seems
goodness this is a short week, but its a super super busy week. seriously. i have so much to do before thursday morning. eek.
even though i am not getting paid for 6 days of work, my boss is amazing and is letting me work as much as possible this week to make up for the fact that i haven't made my 90 day grace period and am not getting paid for the holiday. so i worked 40 extra minutes yesterday and i plan to take her up on the offer, even though i am going to be soooo tired. oh well. i need the money.
i can't wait for the rest of this week. even though i have to work through christmas eve, i am still excited. :) i loooove christmas. and i get three seperate christmas' this year. one with my dad's side of the family, the immediate family and then my mom's side of the family. it's like i am a little kid all over again. thankfully though there is less travel involved. :) and i do have to say i am not looking forward to dinner with my dad's side of the fam, cause that will include joyce's side of the family as well. ugh. that's drama just waiting to happen. i will be bringing my own bottle of wine for myself, so i will be able to make it through the evening. and see how i will be coming straight from work i am going to need it. especially to put up with not only joyce but her family as well. maybe i should bring two... haha :)
i do have to say i am looking forward to christmas in washington though. :) it's going to be wonderful. especially since all of us are going to be able to be there. that hasn't happened in years.
new years in washington as well. i am taking the train for the first time ever. not gonna lie, i'm a little nervous. at least i will not be flying by myself. i would probably have a panic attack. which sounds pathetic, but it's true. i am excited to my little vacation. plus it gives me an excuse in case something else specific comes up. haha :) i'm terrible i know, but i'm okay with it in this situation.
i'm ready for bed already, but have so much more to do still.
even though i am not getting paid for 6 days of work, my boss is amazing and is letting me work as much as possible this week to make up for the fact that i haven't made my 90 day grace period and am not getting paid for the holiday. so i worked 40 extra minutes yesterday and i plan to take her up on the offer, even though i am going to be soooo tired. oh well. i need the money.
i can't wait for the rest of this week. even though i have to work through christmas eve, i am still excited. :) i loooove christmas. and i get three seperate christmas' this year. one with my dad's side of the family, the immediate family and then my mom's side of the family. it's like i am a little kid all over again. thankfully though there is less travel involved. :) and i do have to say i am not looking forward to dinner with my dad's side of the fam, cause that will include joyce's side of the family as well. ugh. that's drama just waiting to happen. i will be bringing my own bottle of wine for myself, so i will be able to make it through the evening. and see how i will be coming straight from work i am going to need it. especially to put up with not only joyce but her family as well. maybe i should bring two... haha :)
i do have to say i am looking forward to christmas in washington though. :) it's going to be wonderful. especially since all of us are going to be able to be there. that hasn't happened in years.
new years in washington as well. i am taking the train for the first time ever. not gonna lie, i'm a little nervous. at least i will not be flying by myself. i would probably have a panic attack. which sounds pathetic, but it's true. i am excited to my little vacation. plus it gives me an excuse in case something else specific comes up. haha :) i'm terrible i know, but i'm okay with it in this situation.
i'm ready for bed already, but have so much more to do still.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
some pages turned, some bridges burned, but there were lessons learned
lack of sleep is starting to make me really angry. i have a feeling that because i don't get enough sleep at night i am going to lash out at someone for no reason at all. i am just tired of being tired allll the time. it's getting really old.
i think i am done with my christmas shopping. except for one of my mom's gifts, which has proved to be absolutely impossible to find. i think i went to like 8 different stores yesterday and they either didn't carry it or they only carried the original one and not the one i actually needed. so frustrating. i went online and found it on ebay but i am not sure i would trust getting it from there. meh. i think it's a lost cause. great.
yesterday... oh goodness that's a whole different story. i honestly don't even know where to start. let's just put it this way, seeing you today set me back. i feel like i have to start back at square one and honestly i am not okay with that. i was doing just fine before yesterday.
wrapping presents is the goal for today. since i finished shopping yesterday i need to get on the wrapping part. i have a bag of things that need to be wrapped. i do have one more place to go before i can be completely done with three of my presents.
off to be productive and enjoy my sunday.
i think i am done with my christmas shopping. except for one of my mom's gifts, which has proved to be absolutely impossible to find. i think i went to like 8 different stores yesterday and they either didn't carry it or they only carried the original one and not the one i actually needed. so frustrating. i went online and found it on ebay but i am not sure i would trust getting it from there. meh. i think it's a lost cause. great.
yesterday... oh goodness that's a whole different story. i honestly don't even know where to start. let's just put it this way, seeing you today set me back. i feel like i have to start back at square one and honestly i am not okay with that. i was doing just fine before yesterday.
wrapping presents is the goal for today. since i finished shopping yesterday i need to get on the wrapping part. i have a bag of things that need to be wrapped. i do have one more place to go before i can be completely done with three of my presents.
off to be productive and enjoy my sunday.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
lay your money on the sun until you crash what have you done
you would think that since i got 4 hours of sleep last night that i would be passed out asleep. well i feel like that, but i have been lying here wide awake for a good 45 mins already. this is total crap. i want this sleep problem to freaking go away already... seriously. ugh.
i got two more presents almost completed. need to add some finishing touches on them, but for the most part they are done. :) thankfully. sent the greatest present ever out today on my lunch break. i am so excited. haha and it isn't even for me.
i was doing so well until you popped back up. seriously, you would think that you would actually get the hint and go away. apparently not. seriously i think i am going to have to start being mean or rude or something. or just flat out tell you to get the hell away from me. let's hope it doesn't come to that.
i neeeeeeed a massage. my shoulders are killing me. probably cause i was holding one of my students for a good portion of the day cause she didn't feel good. and then walking in the door to a 7 year old and a 2 year old jumping on you really doesn't help. although they do make me smile.
a good 10 mins after i walked in the door, i did manage to pull out another one of savannah's teeth. apparently i am the only one that she will let touch her teeth. i love it. two teeth down so far.
i am thinking about teaching english abroad somewhere. rooooommate mentioned it today and i have always wanted to go abroad and i figure i can go abroad and see some of the world, and get paid to do it. :) i think it would be a lot of fun. and a great experience. guess we will see.
i am hoping for more sleep, or at least less times awake for no apparent reason. and i do get to sleep in. all the more reason to sleep more.
clearing my mind and hoping to sleep.
i got two more presents almost completed. need to add some finishing touches on them, but for the most part they are done. :) thankfully. sent the greatest present ever out today on my lunch break. i am so excited. haha and it isn't even for me.
i was doing so well until you popped back up. seriously, you would think that you would actually get the hint and go away. apparently not. seriously i think i am going to have to start being mean or rude or something. or just flat out tell you to get the hell away from me. let's hope it doesn't come to that.
i neeeeeeed a massage. my shoulders are killing me. probably cause i was holding one of my students for a good portion of the day cause she didn't feel good. and then walking in the door to a 7 year old and a 2 year old jumping on you really doesn't help. although they do make me smile.
a good 10 mins after i walked in the door, i did manage to pull out another one of savannah's teeth. apparently i am the only one that she will let touch her teeth. i love it. two teeth down so far.
i am thinking about teaching english abroad somewhere. rooooommate mentioned it today and i have always wanted to go abroad and i figure i can go abroad and see some of the world, and get paid to do it. :) i think it would be a lot of fun. and a great experience. guess we will see.
i am hoping for more sleep, or at least less times awake for no apparent reason. and i do get to sleep in. all the more reason to sleep more.
clearing my mind and hoping to sleep.
Monday, December 14, 2009
though you say i could be your answer, nothing lasts forever no matter how it feels today
today was an interesting day. i taught by myself without my co-teacher for the first time today. it made me missing teaching by myself, granted there is no way i would be able to handle all of my kids by myself. i would probably go insane.
granted as much as i enjoyed teaching by myself, i definitely missed having serena there. so glad she will be back tomorrow, seeing how tomorrow is going to be the longest day ever.
more christmas shopping after work. equals another present done and a giant present pretty much completed as well. i am so excited to put it together. tomorrow after work will consist of getting 3 or possibly 5 more presents out of the way. :) which means i am only going to have 2 or 3 left and then i am done. wonderful. then all the wrapping.
i think what made today better was that my mind was completely occupied for pretty much the whole day. i think there were only two times at which i started to think about what i really shouldn't and i held back and avoided as much as possible. i feel that if i do that long enough it will all just go away and it won't bother me at all, i guess till then it will be a day by day thing.
i was also reminded today how much i love my friends. :) they are there when i need them and i am reminded of what i truly deserve. i love them.
seeing how it's almost 11 i guess i should actually attempt to sleep. this should be interesting. i wish i knew why i couldn't sleep. hoping my medicine will actually work this time... i definitely didn't last night. here's hoping.
granted as much as i enjoyed teaching by myself, i definitely missed having serena there. so glad she will be back tomorrow, seeing how tomorrow is going to be the longest day ever.
more christmas shopping after work. equals another present done and a giant present pretty much completed as well. i am so excited to put it together. tomorrow after work will consist of getting 3 or possibly 5 more presents out of the way. :) which means i am only going to have 2 or 3 left and then i am done. wonderful. then all the wrapping.
i think what made today better was that my mind was completely occupied for pretty much the whole day. i think there were only two times at which i started to think about what i really shouldn't and i held back and avoided as much as possible. i feel that if i do that long enough it will all just go away and it won't bother me at all, i guess till then it will be a day by day thing.
i was also reminded today how much i love my friends. :) they are there when i need them and i am reminded of what i truly deserve. i love them.
seeing how it's almost 11 i guess i should actually attempt to sleep. this should be interesting. i wish i knew why i couldn't sleep. hoping my medicine will actually work this time... i definitely didn't last night. here's hoping.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
chances are only what we make them and all I need
new music makes me happy. probably more than it should, but it's better than the alternative.
i seriously need a long vacation away. a vacation from work. a vacation from the commute. a vacation away from my apartment. a vacation away from this state really. a vacation away from my mind. the last one would help so much. sometimes it would be nice to have an off button for specific parts, that way i wouldn't have to actually think about specific things.
things are a little more organized. i at least have the piles off my floor, well minus the pile of bags of christmas and birthday presents i bough yesterday. finally did my laundry to full completion. seriously it was getting a little bit ridiculous. but thankfully the last load is in the dryer and should be done in a bit. i still feel completely and totally lost with the rest of it.
still not done with gifts, but i am getting there. hoping to get some more tomorrow after work. kenzie's presents for christmas and birthday are done. kelly's is done. savannah and sierra's are done. part of jillian's. i know what i am getting ginger and kathy, i just need actually go and get them. still not sure about the parentals. and then i think i only have two or three more presents to worry about.
i decided that i really want a desk in my room. not sure where i would put it, but i feel lost without one. granted i didn't really have one my whole senior year of college, if you don't include the kitchen table or the counter that dani and i both took over a lot. or the living room floor. if i decide to get a desk i am going to have to rearrange my room, which could be fun, minus the ridiculous heavy dresser.
i think keeping my mind occupied at all times is helping. honestly if i just keep it busy thinking about everything else i don't start to think about the ridiculousness of everything else. i was reminded today of how much i love my best friends. they always know what to say to make me feel better. and they have my back too. :) i just need to keep busy and reread the love.
"there's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything,
but it's not giving up. it's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap"
"never say you're happy when you're sad.
never say you're okay when you're not!!
and don't you ever say you're alone when i'm alive!"
(i got the last one in a text message out of the blue from a friend i hadn't talked to in months. it honestly couldn't have come at a more perfect time.)
off to attempt to sleep a whole night... a girl can hope.
i seriously need a long vacation away. a vacation from work. a vacation from the commute. a vacation away from my apartment. a vacation away from this state really. a vacation away from my mind. the last one would help so much. sometimes it would be nice to have an off button for specific parts, that way i wouldn't have to actually think about specific things.
things are a little more organized. i at least have the piles off my floor, well minus the pile of bags of christmas and birthday presents i bough yesterday. finally did my laundry to full completion. seriously it was getting a little bit ridiculous. but thankfully the last load is in the dryer and should be done in a bit. i still feel completely and totally lost with the rest of it.
still not done with gifts, but i am getting there. hoping to get some more tomorrow after work. kenzie's presents for christmas and birthday are done. kelly's is done. savannah and sierra's are done. part of jillian's. i know what i am getting ginger and kathy, i just need actually go and get them. still not sure about the parentals. and then i think i only have two or three more presents to worry about.
i decided that i really want a desk in my room. not sure where i would put it, but i feel lost without one. granted i didn't really have one my whole senior year of college, if you don't include the kitchen table or the counter that dani and i both took over a lot. or the living room floor. if i decide to get a desk i am going to have to rearrange my room, which could be fun, minus the ridiculous heavy dresser.
i think keeping my mind occupied at all times is helping. honestly if i just keep it busy thinking about everything else i don't start to think about the ridiculousness of everything else. i was reminded today of how much i love my best friends. they always know what to say to make me feel better. and they have my back too. :) i just need to keep busy and reread the love.
"there's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything,
but it's not giving up. it's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap"
"never say you're happy when you're sad.
never say you're okay when you're not!!
and don't you ever say you're alone when i'm alive!"
(i got the last one in a text message out of the blue from a friend i hadn't talked to in months. it honestly couldn't have come at a more perfect time.)
off to attempt to sleep a whole night... a girl can hope.
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