i seriously think that the laugh of a child can pretty much cure any bad mood i have had. honestly when i hear my children truly and whole heartedly laugh i can't help my smile and it melts my heart. there are mornings when i don't want to get up and the thought of having to move away from my bed is so depressing. where i don't want to get up and get ready. where i don't want to sit in the car and drive for 40 minutes. but as soon as i walk through the door to pick up my children to take them to my classroom and they come running up to me with the biggest smile on their face and say something along the lines of: "miss mychaela! i missed you" i forget everything that is bothering me and bask in the simpleness of a child's heart.
i think at one point i was almost to the point of tears. granted i didn't let it show because i would have had 15 preschoolers wondering what was wrong. it had nothing to do with work at all. work today wasn't actually too bad, even with the baby food child in the room. :) which is saying something. no today's tears were brought on by the fear i have for test results that are looming over my family.
my dad was diagnosed with congestive heard failure my sophomore year of college and has been taking medication ever since to regulate his heart. i believe at one point he was taking 12 different pills everyday. well he went in for his annual cardiologist appointment and apparently there was not good news. on top of the congestive heart failure he has some irregularity with the electrical part of his heart. this irregularity is affecting the way his heart beats and it's beating too fast, dangerously fast. so there will be more tests run and a wait period for the results, which is the worst part.
part of me is upset at this news because he's my dad and i love him and don't want anything to happen to him. and then there is a part of me that is angry at him. my dad is probably one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet (it's where i get my stubborness from) and when he gets his mind set a certain way he isn't budging. he goes about this heart condition all wrong and many times refuses to take his medication because he hates the way they make him feel. and he doesn't eat right, which affects it as well. i just want to yell at him and tell him to stop and do something about it all, but i know that won't help. i just wish he would wake up and see what he is doing is not only affecting his health but the family and loved ones around him.
i put on a good front when it comes to hiding the way i feel. sure you will know if i am tired cause i will probably say that i am. and if i have a migraine someone is gonna hear about it, but when it comes to stuff like this i tend to keep all my emotions to myself until my bottle bursts. take today for example. i didn't say anything to anyone and fought back tears for most of the day and managed to do so until i got home when i completely lost it. i would rather not show a lot of people how i am feeling in a situation like this.
i'm just overwhelmed with thoughts and i need to sort them out.
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