and it's amazing to see me reading through this scene of love and fear and apologies

yesterday was probably one of the best days i have had in a long time. so carefree and stress free. even if i had to sit in my car for a total of 3.5 hours yesterday, it was totally worth it. gonna see the fam. my taxes finally were filed. free lunch from la roca. :) my car was fixed and tires rotated. and i finally got to see jillian and her new house. :) totally worth it.

soooo happy my taxes are done. even if they got rejected the first time cause of a wrong number. they are done and sent and now i just have to wait a couple weeks for my wonderful refund. and straight to savings it will go. though i will be able to pay off my credit card and a couple other things with it. which will be super nice. and make me less stressed about things. at least a little bit.

my roooooooommate is basically the best person ever. taking care of things long distance. and it's totally gonna be amazing. i just wish i could be there when it actually happens. :)

i'm avoiding lesson plans. like the plaque. i'm so over march and this currency unit. it's ridiculous. and the fact that march is 5 weeks instead of only 4 like a normal month, it makes it more difficult to fill the whole month with lesson plans that are theme related to money and are age appropriate. that is the difficult thing about going from 2nd grade to preschool. i have so many ideas of what i want to do, but i either can't use them or have to dumb them down so much that they aren't worth doing because of the age and knowledge difference. it gets frustrating.

i'm also avoiding the cleaning that i need to do. i just don't have the motivation to go through things. all i want to do is to be able to go back to sleep. since apparently i don't know how to sleep in anymore. stupid internal body clock. i hate you.

i am excited for my sign language class i am taking wednesday night with a couple of my coworkers. it's at the embassy suites by the airport. and we get a free book full of signs to use with children. :) after that it's off to washington for a few days.

i don't know why but i always feel more relaxed there then i do in oregon. maybe because when i think of oregon i think of all the stress that oregon carries for me. ad when i am in washington it just disappears. or at least is subdued for the time being. it is making me seriously considering moving up there.

i guess i need to be productive. shower. laundry. vacuum. organize my pile on my dresser. basically organize my life. lesson plans. grocery shopping. paying rent. mailing off letters. good lord this list is never ending.

no matter how far i'll find my way to you followin a rainbow

today was supposed to be great. it started off that way and then went to hell real quick.

walked into to work this morning and told that three of my children were out sick today, including baby food kid. which made my morning. :) "sweet. today is gonna be awesome" were pretty much my exact thoughts. this happy thought quickly went out the window. long story short i got reprimanded over a situation that was completely blown out of proportion. not to mention completely bogus. so this puts me in an angry mood.

on top of my angry mood, my pain in my side has not gone away. i was told i need to go get it looked at because it could be something with my appendix. sure enough i look up information and it could be. so now i am paranoid.

i want to move. for far more than one reason, but none of which are sufficient enough to say anything.

it's just an all around terrible day.

so baby why don't we just dance down the hall maybe straight up the stairs bouncing off the wall floating on air

i seriously feel like my insides are being stabbed by something right now. i have felt like this since about 10:30 this morning when i went on my break. seriously... i feel like i am dying. sooooo much pain. i have already taken something and it hasn't worked.

so lesson planning for march... haha that's a funny story. not really. it isn't going anywhere. you know how hard it is to plan a whole month worth of money lesson plans for 3 and 4 year olds. super hard. we ran out of basic things to do with them after the first week and a half. and there are 5 weeks next month. seriously the most difficult month so far. terrible. i am not even done with next week and they are due tomorrow. lovely.

my current distraction happens to be on a happier note though. plane tickets. :) to a couple different places. keeping my options open. plus its fun to plan trips i will eventually go on. alaska, california, mexico (that one requires the passport first) and a few other options. i just wish plane tickets weren't so freaking expensive. i'm monitoring a few different places to see what happens, but at this point in time it's going to be a couple months before these trips happen.

so another distraction would be the living situation i am in now. i like where i am at and like living with kelly. there isn't anything wrong with that. the thing that i am worried about is the fact that i drive so freaking far everyday to work and honestly my paycheck isn't enough to fully do everything i need and or want to. i have been offered to live up in vancouver for free, which is technically closer to work even if it is another state. i would be saving so much more money if i ended up doing the move. no rent. no utilities. plus less on gas and food. though i would probably end up paying for a little rent cause i could feel obligated too. i have been told to look into what i would need to do to break my lease. but my problem is the fact that i would be totally screwing kelly over. i don't know what to do. gah.

lesson planning needs to get done. but my bed is so much more comfrotable.

i cannot keep up with the speed of your sound 'cause this love keeps on, break it down, turn around and depend on something that's new

i seriously think that the laugh of a child can pretty much cure any bad mood i have had. honestly when i hear my children truly and whole heartedly laugh i can't help my smile and it melts my heart. there are mornings when i don't want to get up and the thought of having to move away from my bed is so depressing. where i don't want to get up and get ready. where i don't want to sit in the car and drive for 40 minutes. but as soon as i walk through the door to pick up my children to take them to my classroom and they come running up to me with the biggest smile on their face and say something along the lines of: "miss mychaela! i missed you" i forget everything that is bothering me and bask in the simpleness of a child's heart.

i think at one point i was almost to the point of tears. granted i didn't let it show because i would have had 15 preschoolers wondering what was wrong. it had nothing to do with work at all. work today wasn't actually too bad, even with the baby food child in the room. :) which is saying something. no today's tears were brought on by the fear i have for test results that are looming over my family.

my dad was diagnosed with congestive heard failure my sophomore year of college and has been taking medication ever since to regulate his heart. i believe at one point he was taking 12 different pills everyday. well he went in for his annual cardiologist appointment and apparently there was not good news. on top of the congestive heart failure he has some irregularity with the electrical part of his heart. this irregularity is affecting the way his heart beats and it's beating too fast, dangerously fast. so there will be more tests run and a wait period for the results, which is the worst part.

part of me is upset at this news because he's my dad and i love him and don't want anything to happen to him. and then there is a part of me that is angry at him. my dad is probably one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet (it's where i get my stubborness from) and when he gets his mind set a certain way he isn't budging. he goes about this heart condition all wrong and many times refuses to take his medication because he hates the way they make him feel. and he doesn't eat right, which affects it as well. i just want to yell at him and tell him to stop and do something about it all, but i know that won't help. i just wish he would wake up and see what he is doing is not only affecting his health but the family and loved ones around him.

i put on a good front when it comes to hiding the way i feel. sure you will know if i am tired cause i will probably say that i am. and if i have a migraine someone is gonna hear about it, but when it comes to stuff like this i tend to keep all my emotions to myself until my bottle bursts. take today for example. i didn't say anything to anyone and fought back tears for most of the day and managed to do so until i got home when i completely lost it. i would rather not show a lot of people how i am feeling in a situation like this.

i'm just overwhelmed with thoughts and i need to sort them out.

in these deep city lights, girl could get lost tonight

what i have realized about my job in a private preschool:
- private preschools, just like private university's don't feel the need to observe holidays that pretty much everyone else does, i.e. president's day.
- figuring out the benefits through a private preschool is a lot harder than working for a public school.
- taking a development class apparently isn't paid for by the school, but must be by yourself out of pocket.
- no matter how much the little things drive me crazy i still love working with children. :)

all of these things are driving me crazy. it would have been so nice to be able to sleep in today, but we had to take a development class as a staff that we had to pay for out of pocket. so annoying and ridiculous. plus the benefits would be so much easier to figure out if my boss actually answered my questions instead of sending me on a wild goose chase. good lord. i feel like i am running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

valentine's day this year wasn't as terrible as i thought it was going to be. it's still not my favorite holiday, but i deal with it. i was actually surprised this year with a beautiful bouquet of lilies. :) when i opened the door i was totally surprised when the lady said they were for me. at first, not gonna lie i was scared to open the card for fear of who they could possibly be from given the past few months, but thankfully they were from my wonderful valentine who is all the way across the world right now. and then i was surprised with a bottle of wine and chocolates from my other valentine. all around a pretty good day.

my taxes are sitting on my dresser yelling at me. well my w-2's that is. telling me to get them done asap so i don't have to deal with them later. i know they don't take very long, but i would rather just have them done without having to do any of the work. that would be much nicer.

it's only monday and i am already exhausted. stupid work day on a holiday wore me out. stupid inventory/cleaning/organizing.

cause baby when the ground starts shaking you gotta know when you got a good thing

washington. like my second home. :) i feel so much more at peace when i am here. i don't know if it's because i associate oregon with all the stress and negativity in my life or if i just am able to relax more when i am here. whatever it is, i feel much more content with everything when i am here. like i am able to breathe easier and i can think clearer.

another work week begins tomorrow. at least i will be able to sleep in for the first couple days of work and the commute won't be terrible at all. a total straight shot down i-205. i am perfectly okay with this. this week is going to bring a new teacher into the building, which apparently she is really good, so it should make the transition pretty smooth. the only days i worry about are tuesday, wednesday and thursday. all for different reasons. tuesdays just because they are basically the day from hell. hands down. and wednesday and thursday because of who is there. the child from hell. hands down. and i am not blowing it out of proportion either. literally. this is the child that gave me the migraine i have had off and on for the past 3.5 days by kicking me in the head. i also like to refer to this child as, "baby food kid" so much easier for people to understand who i am talking about.

had the most uncomfortable conversation ever last night. i seriously sat there speechless for a good 5 minutes just trying to process it. i honestly shouldn't have been surprised by this ridiculous conversation considering, but still it left me speechless and pretty dumbfounded for a long time. maybe it will actually be lesson learned this time. sadly i somehow doubt it.

the worst day (or close to the worst) is coming up in exactly a week. i really wouldn't mind this day if i didn't remember freshman year of college. everything that could have gone wrong basically did. boy troubles, hospitalization of family members in the middle of the night, and on top of all that my car got stolen. pretty much the shitiest day ever. i spent most of it either in a panic or crying. i think the only good thing that came from that day was kelly. we met that day and to this day consider it our anniversary. :)

also a total blast from the past i wasn't expecting yesterday. and one i would rather keep in the past. i already have enough on my plate to deal with. i would rather not have anymore. thanks.

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day close to the next time you will.

it must be time to move on now, without the fear of how it might end

and today was another crazy day. in specific ways it was a worse day than yesterday, but not as long because i was sent home early, only to prepare myself to be working later the next two days. ugh. at least i have something to look forward to after work each day. :)

so the crazyness of today was honestly brought on by one child. who also happens to have just moved up and he is in the beginning stages of being a very rough kid. let's put it that way, because we all know there are many other ways i could be putting it. so not only is this child a handful, but he is 3.5 years old. he is still in diapers, not pull-ups like most 3.5 year olds are. he still uses a binky all the time, except when in our classroom because we refuse to give it to him. and on top of all of this, he is still eating baby food... yes i said it, baby food. because he refuses to eat real fruit, so baby food fruit is what he gets. there are so many things wrong with this whole entire picture, i don't even know where to begin. ridiculous.

today was also one of my children's last day as his family is moving. it was honestly harder to say goodbye than i thought it was going to be. luckily since i left early i was actually able to say goodbye since he woke up early. it will definitely be very weird without him in the classroom everyday.

talking to my roooooommate this morning on the way to work. i have to say she is the only one that can get me to laugh at my own misfortune and current ridiculous history. and given recent history mixed with past history being able to laugh about specific parts of it feels good because that is a step in the right direction. :)

i'm ready for bed and it's only 5:45. this is a little pathetic how tired i am.

happy ever after, after all this time

tuesdays are far worse than mondays have ever been. tuesdays are my new mondays. and they are terrible.

i think the thing that made the day okay was the fact that not all of my children were there... and it was still total chaos. i think we only had one child get injured today. sadly it ended with blood, but luckily it was just a bloody lip. but seriously it seems that tuesdays are the days that we all go insane by the end of it.

and today wasn't the greatest day to get a lecture from my boss over something that i couldn't control. seriously there is pretty much no winning with this woman. so the story goes: i am supposed to take my lunch at 1, but since we had over 10 kids when it was time to put them down for nap, i wasn't allowed to leave until there were at least 2 asleep, putting us at 10 awake kids, therefore letting me go to lunch. well that didn't happen till almost 1:25. so i went to lunch and came back, sending serena to go at 2:25, putting her back in the room at 3:25. well since wake up time is at 3:00 i have to keep 2 kids asleep till 3:25 when serena gets back so i am not over 10 kids. (10 kid to 1 teacher ratio) so at 3:15 my boss comes in with a tour and turns on my lights and announces that it was wake up time a while ago and that i needed to have everyone up. well seeing how i can't do this, i tell her that i am by myself till serena gets back and she proceeds to tell me to get them up anyways and we would figure it out. all why saying this in a very condescending tone, making me feel like an idiot in front of this tour. which made me mad. i am not an idiot and i know what i am doing, so please don't treat me like one of the children that go to the school.

later she pulls me aside and asks me why serena took her lunch so late, which i then proceed to tell her that we both took our lunch late because we had to make sure children were asleep before i could go. she then goes on to tell me that we need to make sure to take our lunches on time so that we don't get behind and don't have to keep children asleep. gah. seriously if that needs to be the case, then someone needs to come in to relieve me, because on tuesdays there is no way that is going to happen. or really tuesday through thursday.

vent over. today just overwhelmed me and got to me a little. or a lot i guess. more than i thought it did.

in other news. i am slowly taking the steps to get my passport... with the constant pushing of my roooooooommate, i figured it was about time. :) paperwork was picked up this morning. i don't even know where we are going, but i am already getting excited.

oh and i have learned that some people are very dense and can't take a hint. gah. it can't be any clearer honestly, so just get the hint already.

new lady antebellum cd is pretty much amazing. listening to it on repeat. ♥