why i am still awake i am not sure. i am tired and should be sleeping, but i have a lot on my mind that i need to put somewhere. this means waking up at 5:30 will be hard. joy.
my vacation was just what i needed. i got out of the city and was able to semi clear my head, which is better than nothing. i was also able to think and figure some things out. and some things i didn't even think of were brought to my attention, things i know i will have to deal with eventually. but right now it's just one step at a time.
back to work tomorrow. i am torn as to if i am happy or sad about this. i am sad because that means the break is over and it is back to the whole regular routine again, which i was really starting to not like. it's a goal of mine to not fall back into that routine, because it probably wasn't helping my current situation either. but going back to work also means i go back to getting paid again, i get to go back to teaching, which i enjoy and i get to see my kids and coworkers, which i have grown to really enjoy as well. so it's a toss up as to what tomorrow is going to bring.
i have been thinking about what this new year and decade is going to bring. i am not making resolutions, because those never seem to be kept for long, but i am making more of a plan of what i want out of the new year:
- exercise and health is important. i am not making a goal yet, but i want to get back into a routine that is better than the one i currently have. i am finding the motivation for said routine and will dangle it in front of myself until i meet it.
- i want to get more involved in things. honestly i miss coaching. i want to figure out how i can get involved back into the community because i miss it.
- i want to find the happiness that i had before. i think since graduation everything had sort of hit me all at once and i have been having trouble trying to handle it all and that has taken a hit on my happiness. i want to be able to go to bed at night feeling good about my day and what tomorrow holds instead of being worried about it all. i guess i want to start looking at things with the glass half full rather than half empty. i want to stop dwelling on the negatives and start finding those positives again.
- budgeting my money. with student loans hitting me full force now, i need to be better about budgeting my money. a lot better. starting now.
for now those are the things i can sort through.
i have also realized over my mini-vacation that i am better off without you in my life. i deserve better and am worthy of much more. it has been hard these last few months and i know i have been feeling down on myself and like i am not deserving of the good things that come along, but starting here and now that's it. i know i can do better and you don't deserve to have my friendship or my tears.
"Always try to find the positive in any situation and be optimistic. Find any reason to laugh and smile, it will make you live longer."
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