i don't make new years resolutions. i've tried in the past, but like most people i never actually follow through with them. i have also found them to be a complete waste, since they don't get followed through. but after thinking about it for the past 16 days i think there is one "resolution" i am making. trust.
i think because of my recent past, i have a very hard time trusting most people. even people i have known for years, i don't trust all that easily. i think i am afraid of letting people get to close only to end up getting hurt. i am pretty sure my past has made me a cynical person about relationships of any kind. and i want to be a positive person about it, but it's so hard to. and i don't like that about myself.
i hate how this has made me feel and i wish that i could take everything back, but i know i can't. it's easy for people to say that you will get over something like that and i know that is true. i feel like i have gotten over the bulk of it, but there is always going to be a part of me that carries that with me for the rest of my life. it's not something that is going to just go away either. the thing i don't like is that there are little things, things that shouldn't remind me of it, but they do. and i hate that.
there are times when i feel so ridiculous for letting it even bother me, but i know it does and i know it will. i think the last two years i just buried it so deep in my mind that i didn't ever think about it. but because i buried it so deep it all came back to bite me all at once. i know it's going to take time, i just wish time would go faster sometimes. and i don't talk about it ever. it took me two years to tell two of my best friends. i feel like if everyone knows then they are going to look at me differently and that isn't something i want. i don't want to feel judged.
i am ready for this not to haunt me anymore. i'm ready.
"don't look back and ask why, look forward and ask, why not?"
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