1. i love shoes (mostly heels but anything will do) and purses. it's a little ridiculous how many of both that i own.
2. as much as i love children, it drive me crazy when there is a crying baby out in public. like a screaming child that will not stop. i can't stand it. it drives me absolutely crazy.
3. i love working with children. they just make everything so carefree.
4. i have lived in oregon my whole life and after 23 years i am ready to get out. which is why i decided today that i am fully committed to applying to go to south korea with rooooooommate.
5. my favorite color is purple. i had a complete stranger tell me this because my phone cover is purple and my coach purse is purple.
6. i love taking pictures.
7. my biggest fear is heights. i can't stand heights. at all. bridges. airplanes. ferris wheels. anything too high off the ground.
8. i love quotes. i love finding quotes. they just make me feel better for some reason. sort of inspired i guess.
9. i love raw cookie dough.
10. i want another tattoo. i know exactly what i want and have no idea where i want to put it.
11. this number is my favorite number. has been since i was 7 years old.
12. christmas is my favorite holiday. i can't stand halloween; worst holiday ever.
13. i love mashed potatoes. that is the only way i will eat potatoes. i have been told i make amazing mashed potatoes. my favorite mashed potatoes are at cheesecake factory.
14. i could be perfectly content curled up in sweats under a nice warm blanket next to a fire with a wonderful cup of hot cocoa (with a little kahlua) and a good book.
15. i believe in true love.
counting last night i have had a total of 11 hours of sleep in the past 4 nights. if you do that math... well let's just say that it doesn't add up correctly. there is no reason for me to be sleeping so terribly, but here i am again sleeping like crap. basically it's october tomorrow and i am back to where i started a year ago. nightmares of the past, not sleeping, and extremely too much stress.
i'm tired of not sleeping. i'm tired of the nightmares. i'm tired of the stress. i'm tired of not knowing what going on or where things are going. i'm tired of being tired. i just need a weekend where i can sleep all weekend and when i am awake i can just go through everything and have no more stress. :) it would be wonderful. while this would be amazing, i know it isn't going to happen. i need to just suck it up and try and deal with it.
sooooo i stole this from lily's blog, who stole it from amber's blog. i liked it and thought it would be fun. 30 days of blogging. we will see how it goes. :)
Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Tumbler Wordpress Blogger name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?
today i realized that there are some lessons in life you have to learn the hard way. whether or not we want to admit it, there are times when life is going to deal us a bad hand and not matter how we try to fight it, we are going to have to deal with it. and it's going to be rough. and there will be tears. and it will sometimes feel like there isn't any good coming from it. but in the end it will be worth it. it's getting through all the bad things that's the hard part.
today i realized that getting through my bad things is taking a toll on me. it's getting harder and harder each day. i wake up and tell myself that today is going to be the day where i am going to be able to breathe easy and where everything is going to work out, but somehow my mind takes a turn for the worst and by the end of the day i am emotionally drained from the struggle i am dealing with everyday. i know that i stress about things way to easy and that i let things get to me, but that's who i am and i can't help it. i just want to wake up one morning and have all the bad things be gone be taken away.
today i realized i keep people at a distance for a reason. i'm afraid to let people in because i have a fear of getting hurt. with good reason. i build up the walls around my heart knowing that if i don't let anyone in i won't get hurt. i realize that this is probably not the best route to life, but considering my past, i feel that this is the safe way. i'm too afraid of getting hurt like before that i don't risk it at all.
today i realized that i took that sort of risk. the first risk i have taken since that terrible day almost 3 years ago. and just like i thought, i took the risk on the wrong person. i knew what i was getting into from the beginning and even though i let myself think that this was the right thing to do, i still should have known better.
today i realized that no matter how hard i tried not to, i fell for someone who i know will never fall the same way. sure there is something there, whatever it may be, but it is never going to be what i want it to day. i fell for the wrong person. i just don't know how to deal with it yet.
today i realized that no matter what happens, it will be okay.
so i went from having one job to having two jobs in a matter of days. i will be working in the child development center i am currently at during the day. two nights during the week/weekend i will be babysitting/nannying for a family. i believe they are my second cousin's. i'm related to them somehow, but not entirely sure. every little bit helps i guess.
even though i do have both of these jobs and all, it's still not entirely what i want to do for the rest of my life. i want to be able to get a job within a school district teaching. i want to be able to have the opportunity to further my education and use my degree to it's full extent. there are times when i know that one day i will be able to do this and then there are times when i am scared that i am never going to have the opportunity to do so. it scares me. a lot.
don't get me wrong, where i am at now is fine and i am managing to get things into place. but i know i could do so much better. i want to be able to make a difference in a child's life. i want to be able to say that i did something more than normal. i want to see a child succeed and know that i was part of that greatness. i know that i see this where i am at now, but it isn't the same.
i have a job. i have a job. i have a job. :)
seriously two weeks was so incredibly loooooong without work. which is actually the same amount of time before i started working for goddard last year. that was long enough for me. to more. sooooo my job is so laid back and i'm content. right now it is just part-time, but with one of the girls having not come in for almost two weeks, they are considering hiring me on full time. so we will have to see. right now it's a job so i can pay my bills. :) which i am perfectly content with. keeps me busy.
i have put my loans in deferment, since i can't pay them. on one hand it is a weight lifted off my shoulders that i don't have to pay them each month, but i know they are adding interest that i am going to have to pay back. though i know it's better this way. less stressful.
i should be hearing the final status on my car in the next couple of days. my dad said he had a last resort solution he was going to try and if it didn't work, then my car was for sure dead. so we will see where we are going from there. whether i end up having to get a new (used) car or what. currently i still have the truck, and now that i have a job, i am going to have to have some sort of transportation.
i finally got my passport. sweeeeet. now when i am going to use it is a different story. i am hoping this summer for a road trip through canada to alaska to see megan. that would be awesome! we will see.
life is starting together. i'm happy. :)
story of my life...
I close my eyes when I lay down at night
I shut my mind and listen for what's inside
And what I hear is a complicated noise
And what I fear is being alone
It's such a beautiful complicated mess
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
It's such a beautiful complicated mess
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
I've no idea where it's gonna take me next
(I've no idea where it's gonna take me next)
It's such a beautiful complicated...
(It's such a beautiful complicated...)
Mess
You think you have your path planned out
And when it fails, all you're left with is your doubt
I'm gonna try to get my priorities right
And do my thing while at the same time try
to find a love that will make me whole inside
It's such a beautiful complicated mess
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
It's such a beautiful complicated mess
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
I've no idea where it's gonna take me next
(I've no idea where it's gonna take me next)
It's such a beautiful complicated...
(It's such a beautiful complicated...)
Mess
It's such a beautiful complicated mess
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
It's such a beautiful complicated mess
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
I've no idea where it's gonna take me next
(I've no idea where it's gonna take me next)
It's such a beautiful complicated...
(It's such a beautiful complicated...)
Mess
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
(It's such a beautiful complicated mess)
It's such a beautiful...
It's such a beautiful complicated...
(It's such a beautiful complicated...)
Mess
my current life situation in the form of a list... since i have so many, mine as well just add another list.
* i have entered the world of unemployment and freaking hate it.
*p.s. my last place of employment pulled a douche move and didn't even give me a reason for why they were letting me go. aaaaaaand took a week to give me my final check i was supposed to have by law the next day.
*p.p.s i want to sue. and have been told to do so by many people. assholes.
* i am going to south korea to teach with dani. it's been decided and finalized.
* ruby (my car) has decided to die. this time might be the last time. we aren't sure yet.
* since ruby is dead i am driving a truck. have i mentioned how much i looooove driving a truck.
* i went shooting for the first time in over 4 years. minus the bruises the shotgun gave me, i had a blast.
* my love life is very much the same. very much still up in the air. it is what it is and i guess i'm okay with that. there isn't much i can do.
* i really should not have my phone when i drink. somehow i always manage to say something i probably shouldn't.
* i want to be able to pack up and leave. run away from everything.
1. i love shoes (mostly heels but anything will do) and purses. it's a little ridiculous how many of both that i own.