to let go out the window, just let it flow out of my mind

the most memorable people in life will be the people who loved you when you weren't very lovable

i have a hard time thinking to myself that i am currently not a very lovable person, given my current messy situation and the complicated mess it has become. but there are definitely times when i wake up feeling not very lovable. i am also starting to hate messy and complicated.

on a brighter note i got to spend the whole day yesterday with jillian! it was amazing to get to see her and hang out. sushi was delicious. and just being able to see her and spend the day with her was wonderful. plus we were able to take more pictures, which is always a plus since we actually remembered this time. haha :)

i am bummed how the weekend goes by so fast. it's already sunday and i am so not ready for the work week to be back. last week totally drained me of my energy and i feel like i need a whole week to catch up and be ready to go back. i am just glad my co-teacher will be back and is getting better and hopefully will fully recover from her sickness this time. i can't believe that it's already almost the end of may and that summer is quickly approaching. summer program here we come... oy vey.

my to do lists are growing extremely fast, especially since i basically avoided them all of last week and couldn't even handle looking at them. i don't want to look at them, but must.

you don't understand me and you never even tried

i was productive and sort of proactive after work today. which is saying something given the last two weeks where i have had no energy. though i still don't have energy and am running on probably 3 maaaaybe 4 hours of sleep for the past 3 days. anyways... me being proactive equaled me job hunting. :) i applied to 3 different openings i found and am working on a fourth. but that requires to rewrite my entire cover letter and i didn't have the energy to do so tonight. tomorrow night. but i was happy with it.

for as much as i complain about my job i know i am lucky to have it. i am not on unemployment and i can pay my bills. but i seriously need something new or i am going to go completely insane. i am tired of being tired. i am tired of being sick. i am tired of my co-teacher being sick. i am tired of being stressed and overwhelmed. i am also tired of drama.

i just need something positive to happen soon. positivity is lacking. big time.

on a brighter note though... only 6 weeks! best countdown ever. :) :) :)

every heartache makes you stronger

seriously why must life be so incredibly complicated right now. i was perfectly content with the way things were before. there was no confusion, no complication, no ridiculous. and now everything has gone to shit. no speaking from either end, frustration, and anger. not to mention cheating and lying. big time. i don't like complicated and i don't do complicated.

i found this quote the other day and it seemed to be fitting:

"life is a roller coaster. you can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it."

i would rather not have to deal with any of this. that's what i do. if there is something i'm struggling with it. i just bury it and suppress how i'm feeling. i know that's not good, but then when i do that, i don't have to sort through everything and it just blows over, for the most part.

sometimes i wish there was a time machine to be able to go back and change things. although i think most people think that at some point in their life. a time machine would be perfect right about now. every day is different. some are better than others. some days i don't even think about any of this, and then there are others in which it basically consumes my mind. i need a distraction. a big one.

i'll be better when i'm older

leaving work in tears today is not my idea of a good day. it isn't my idea of normal either. this is getting really old. don't get me wrong, i love my kiddos and i love my co-teacher, but the higher up staff are absolutely incompetent and are so extremely frustrating. i feel a monkey could run the school far better than all of them are. would probably have much better communication with the teachers too. seriously.
i don't mean to be negative and i'm not trying to create waves, but it is getting really hard to bite my tongue. there have been countless times where i have just wanted to turn to them and ask what the hell they are doing or thinking. or wanted to just tell them all to take a flying leap. seriously it's absolutely ridiculous. i'm afraid one of these days i am not going to be able to bite my tongue and i am going to say something i regret. it's just ridiculous how much specific teachers get away with. oy. vent over... for now. i'm sure there will be more. it is only tuesday.

on a more positive note, minus my children being absolutely crazy, i still love teaching. no matter what my mood is, whether frustration is looming or i am on the verge of tears, my children always know how to cheer me up. whether it is something hilarious they say or something just as funny that they do. :) i love it.

here are some pictures of one of our more recent art projects: painting upside down like michaelangelo:

starting out: we taped a large piece of paper on the underside of our table.

we then let the children chose their paint colors and had them lay on the floor and go to town. :)

the finished product with meghan doing some final touch ups. :)

eyes wide shut unopened, you and me, always between the lines

i feel so overwhelmed with everything that is going on. work, the candle thing, money, grad school thoughts, that stupid word situation, just so many things. i am having trouble figuring them all out and trying to sort things out one at a time isn't working. trying to keep my mine occupied isn't helping either.

because i am trying to keep my mind clear i was super productive today. i did all my laundry, cleaned my room, did all the dishes, cleaned out the bad food, vacuumed the apartment, added to my goodwill pile, started rooooooommate's welcome home gift, started organizing the gigantic pile of papers i have accumulated of the last couple months, and i ran all my errands for things i need for school tomorrow. i guess keeping my mind off things helps me be productive, but it sure doesn't help make me feel any better about anything.

i do have to say having the apartment to myself has been nice. i don't have to deal with any of the annoyingness of ben being all the time. :) which makes me pretty happy. i just get fed up with him being here all the time and it's nice to not have to deal with him. i have 3.5 more days of peace. and i plan to enjoy them.

it's our kind of love

there's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up. it's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap

never say your happy when your sad. never say your okay when your not!! and don't u ever say your alone when i'm alive!

always try to find the positive in any situation and be optimistic. find any reason to laugh and smile, it will make you live longer.

don't look back and ask why, look forward and ask why not.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

~ Marilyn Monroe

if you get a chance. take it. if it changes your life. let it.

missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day close to the next time you will.

"never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option"

There are people in your little world that were put there for a reason. You’ve got your friends, your best friends, your enemies, your first love… your acquaintances, your family, and then the few random people in between. No matter what, you need all these people in your life to make it complete. With out them what would you be?

life is about laughing and living in good and bad times. getting through whatever comes our way. and looking back with a smile

when i think about everything wrong, i remember how amazing life truly is and the fact that i like being imperfect.

"there are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. there are seven million."
~ walt streightiff

“Love doesn’t always come dressed in the package we want. It doesn’t arrive on our schedule and it doesn’t follow our guidelines and rules. It is love. It is intangible, unpredictable, and certainly uncontrollable. This is what makes it so wonderful. We need to remember to be grateful and honored by its presence in our lives. …Be careful to not let it pass you by just because it doesn’t present itself the way you think it should.”
- Kimberly Kirberger

be soft. do not let the world make you hard. do not let the pain make you hate. do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.

"It's like I love this pain a little too much
Love my heart all busted up
Something 'bout her, we just don't work
But I can't walk away
It's like I love this pain"
Love This Pain -Lady Antebellum