but it's still hard to see you go cause you mean everything to me

i can successfully say that communication possibilities are no more. i'm tired of dealing with it. i'm tired of thinking about it. so i just gave in and cut you off completely. i'm not too sure how i feel about it, but i know it's for the best and in the end will make me a better person for it.

and the rain comes back. typical oregon weather. i would much rather have the 70 degree weather we had yesterday. i'm ready for summer to be hear. not only for the weather but to see people i miss. to be able to take a vacation.

passport application is progress. i need to get my pictures taken, somehow get my birth certificate from home, and then find time to go in and apply for it in person... and with my crazy busy schedule who knows when that is going to be. but it's going to get done. and soooooooon. cause summer is coming and mexico is calling my name. or south america. or both.

what i am going to miss this week... spring break. it's technically spring break, but i have to work. lame. i'm thinking of taking a day off or calling in sick. i haven't decided. knowing my luck i won't be able to or i just won't. but i should.

my lack of sleep in the past few days has totally drained me of any energy i thought i might have during the day. i've been looking up herbal remedies for sleeping issues. i think i am going to invest in taking melatonin. it's looking like that might be helpful. too bad it couldn't clear my head of everything else. that would be helpful too.

there is a good possibility i will be back in washington in two weeks. and by good possibility i mean it will happen. maybe not for a full week this time, but definitely for a few days. i'm going to be up there for a party anyways... i mine as well just stay a little longer.

and how the story ends depends on you and me

being up for 24 hours straight for no reason at all gives me plenty of time to think about plenty of different things. this could be seen as a good thing, but not in this case. when i have too much time on my hands, like when i don't sleep, my mind wanders to things i would rather not think about.

being in washington last week for the entire week made me realized i am not happy where i am at. i'm not happy with my living situation for many different reasons. i am not fully happy at my job. don't get me wrong, i love work with my kids and my coteacher is amazing. that is all good and well, but the politics and crap that come with the higher up's is so overwhelming and frustrating it is making me not want to put my full effort into my teaching. which not only affects me personally, but it affects the kids. which is so frustrating. i know i picked the right profession, but i want to be able to enjoy my work and feel like i am making a difference in my kids' lives. where i am at, i don't feel like i am able to fully do that.

i'm not happy in oregon anymore. it's the only place i have ever lived and i need to get out. talk of teaching abroad has begun and i am seriously considering it. i would love to go somewhere else and just experience the culture and be able to teach. :) passport application is in the works as well. finally.

i'm ready for a fresh and big new start. sort of like starting over. i would be okay with that in some ways.

you had my heart, now i want it back, i'm starting to see everything you lack

there are just certain times where i should know better. yet i still keep giving in and it only gets me in trouble. well not really trouble, but it only makes this more annoying and frustrating. and i bring it on myself. i really should just stop. drop all communication and be done with it. part of me just really wants to hit myself for being so ridiculous about this whole thing and part of me just wants things to go back to the way they were before. and a small part of me is just yelling at myself and telling to stop being a wimp about everything and just be brutally honest with not only myself but you as well. then i wouldn't feel like such a fool. bah.

some people have the worst timing ever. seriously. i was doing perfectly fine and then you had to go and pull that wonderful stunt saturday night. way to take the doucheness to a whole new level... or how about a few levels up. that sounds about right. i thought you were a jerk before, but now you really have shown your true colors. and basically you are an ass, who i hope gets what they has coming to them. and soon.

rant over. granted i did get very good blackmail out of saturday. that i intend on using if there ever comes a time in which i have to. :) oh the ideas that are running through not only mine but the roooooooommates head. i can just see it now.

i stilllll have not unpacked from my trip to washington last week. unpacking is like packing. only worse i think. maybe their even. either way i am avoiding it. more so because i believe i will be back in washington next week for most of the week anyway. i honestly feel more relaxed and stress free when i am there. i am more able to take my mind off of things. and clearly i need it. or will. or whatever.

tomorrow is tuesday. which i am sort of dreading. like always. but i am going in tomorrow with a smile on my face and a positive attitude. my coteacher and i decided that we are going to tell each other that it's going to be a great day everyday. cheesy i know, but whatever works to get us through the long and crazy busy days.

off to pack stuff up for tomorrow and then completely crash. i dislike that fact that it's only monday and i am this tired.

the truth is so unkind but good when i'm out of sight

headache turned migraine in the middle of the night. basically the story of my life for the last oh let's say 5 months. i pretty much hate it. and i thought since i got my new bracelet that it would help, but you know what... it isn't. and it's starting to drive me crazy.

i've been looking up ticket prices a lot lately. i think maybe since my coteacher is going on a small vacation for a weekend and two work days, that i am getting anxious to plan my next vacation. though getting this picture today in an email with this written below: "Here's where we're going. Pirate ships and all." did make me a little bit more excited for it, even if i have no idea where the hell this picture was taken. :)

being in washington for the end of this last week made me realize just how much stress that i carry when i think about oregon and living in hillsboro and working in clackamas. and not just that, but i carry a lot of negativity when i think about oregon. i don't know if it's just because i have been here my entire life or something else. but i do know that it is getting to me more than i would like it to. i have thought about just dropping everything here and boarding a plane to so many different places so many times. maybe this is why i am desperately awaiting my vacation. a chance to run away and be free.

i guess i think i just need a new perspective of everything. i don't want to feel like i am trapping myself into something that i am going to regret or resent later. i guess all i am saying is i want to be able to experience something or somewhere other than freaking oregon. rant of oregon done.

and i was on shakey land lost and unsure i opened my hand and she held it like sinking sand

i can't say enough how much i am loving the fact that tomorrow is friday. this week has been sooooo incredibly long. there wasn't a day this week where i wasn't totally exhausted from work by the time that i got home. don't get me wrong i love working with my children and it brings me a lot of joy, but that doesn't mean i am not exhausted by the time i get home. there are days, basically tuesdays and thursdays where i am exhausted by the time lunch comes.

this week has been crazy. monday we had children drop in, so our one day of the week that isn't too crazy became crazy. and then of course tuesday. oh tuesday how i have come to hate you. such a long day, full of total ridiculousness. not to mention "office politics" that are driving me up the wall. not all schools are perfect, but how this school is run is ridiculous. the turn-around since i have started is insane. i am pretty sure half of the staff is all new since i started in october. it's just frustrating sometimes the way things are run and handled. things could be so much smoother if they were handled better.

wednesday was better. a little less kids. but the best part was the sign language class i was able to take out at embassy suites by the airport. it was an awesome class and we got a book of sign language that i will be able to use with my kids in the present and future. :)

i do have to say that being that close to the airport made it very tempting for me to just hop on a plane out of here. i've decided i need a vacation. to where i am not entirely sure, but there are so many options. alaska is up there for sure. and california again. mexico with the roooooommate i believe is still a go. as far as i know anyways. all i know is that it was very tempting the entire time i was at embassy suites.

so not only is it friday tomorrow. but it's also payday. aaaaaaand i am getting off early. basically amazing. now what to do with myself this weekend... not sure. though apparently my sister is coming to visit me. news to me. guess that means i need to clean tomorrow when i get off work. lovely.

"i want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken, and the one that could always brighten up your day even if she couldn't brighten her own"