there really aren't enough hours in the day. and nights always seem to be too short, no matter what.
i do have to say that i am 3 weeks ahead on my lesson planning. :) i don't have a ton of motivation to do the last week of february since i am so far ahead, but i am definitely excited to be this far ahead. makes the month of february a little bit brighter knowing i won't be stressing about lesson plans.
speaking of work... seriously all of my kids are on some level of sickness. whether they aren't there cause they are too sick, runny noses, coughing all the time and just all around feeling terrible. this is not a good thing for serena (my coteacher) and i. seeing how she has been sick off and on since we both got hired. and since my immune system is total crap i would rather not get sick again cause it will take me another month to get over it. and the last time i got sick, i also lost my voice, which makes it very hard to teach. the whole school is getting sick. you go into any room and there are at least 4 if not more kids who have some sort of symptom.
i have gotten some sort of sleep routine back in place. i am not waking up in the middle of the night as much, but it still happens. i wish i could say the same for the stupid nightmare i keep having. same stupid nightmare that puts me back in the middle of 2 years ago. where i have to see your stupid face and listen to your pathetic talking. i'm hoping it goes away soon.
i was finally able to get my hair cut. thank god. seriously my hair was terrible. and instead of just trimming it like i asked, chris decided my hair was bad enough to just chop it. so 5 or 6 inches later we have my new hair. :) it's a lot shorter than i was expecting and shorter than it has been since i was in high school. but it's grown on me and i love it. :)
i am still waiting for my $500 from the state of oregon. i have been waiting for the last two weeks. which really means that it should be here in a matter of days. and at this point i could really really use it. not to mention my W-2 form from pacific so i can file my taxes already. good lord.
laundry is calling my name. and so is my bed. tough decision.
i don't make new years resolutions. i've tried in the past, but like most people i never actually follow through with them. i have also found them to be a complete waste, since they don't get followed through. but after thinking about it for the past 16 days i think there is one "resolution" i am making. trust.
i think because of my recent past, i have a very hard time trusting most people. even people i have known for years, i don't trust all that easily. i think i am afraid of letting people get to close only to end up getting hurt. i am pretty sure my past has made me a cynical person about relationships of any kind. and i want to be a positive person about it, but it's so hard to. and i don't like that about myself.
i hate how this has made me feel and i wish that i could take everything back, but i know i can't. it's easy for people to say that you will get over something like that and i know that is true. i feel like i have gotten over the bulk of it, but there is always going to be a part of me that carries that with me for the rest of my life. it's not something that is going to just go away either. the thing i don't like is that there are little things, things that shouldn't remind me of it, but they do. and i hate that.
there are times when i feel so ridiculous for letting it even bother me, but i know it does and i know it will. i think the last two years i just buried it so deep in my mind that i didn't ever think about it. but because i buried it so deep it all came back to bite me all at once. i know it's going to take time, i just wish time would go faster sometimes. and i don't talk about it ever. it took me two years to tell two of my best friends. i feel like if everyone knows then they are going to look at me differently and that isn't something i want. i don't want to feel judged.
i am ready for this not to haunt me anymore. i'm ready.
"don't look back and ask why, look forward and ask, why not?"
this weekend has been crazy, but in a good way. :)
i woke up saturday morning at like 7:10. i had a huge panic attack and shot out of bed. why? because i was a blonde and thought it was a work day and was paranoid because i had overslept and was going to be super late for work. after realizing it was saturday i crawled back into bed and of course couldn't go back to sleep. go figure. although that did make me think of what i would actually do if that happened. let's just hope it doesn't happen.
saturday night was a lot of fun. :) getting home at almost 4am, not so much, but it was worth it. though only sleeping for 5 hours wasn't the greatest either. and i am still awake, which means about the same amount tonight. oh joy.
i did get to host my dinner finally. :) and i got my cookware finally. i am so excited to finally be able to use it. now all i need is my free food processor for hosting the dinner and i am set. yay!
i am happy this work week shouldn't be too stressful, though i am starting to plan for february this week, so we will see. i want to be able to have february completely done by the time it actually gets here, so i can be ahead of the game and not be stressing about it week by week. that's the plan anyway. and plus february's theme for the month is animals/zoo, so i am excited to plan for it.
new favorite quote (or lat least one of them) :
"don't look back and ask why, look forward and ask why not."
was on rooooommate's and my dove chocolate wrapper. there are oh so many things this pertains to in my life. one in particular and i have put it by my door to my room so i can look at it everyday and remind myself of the future. :)
i wish i was more tired. maybe i'll read.
i really should be focusing on all of the work stuff i have to do for tomorrow, but i honestly don't have the energy or motivation to do so. i finished the recipes and i feel like that took all the energy i could muster up to finish, since we have to have them for tomorrow. the lesson plans and DAR's could technically wait since they are for the week after next, but i just want to get them all done already.
i am so happy that it's almost the weekend, though i feel like when the weekend comes i get all out of sorts and start feeling all blah again. sort of how i feel now, only different. though this weekend should be fun. if everything goes according to plan that is.
sleeping has been going a lot better until last night. i couldn't for the life of me fall asleep last night and when i finally did it was already after 1, which was awful because i had to be up at 5:30. meh. maybe that is why i feel so blah and was ready for bed by the time i got home from work. not to mention today was such a stressful day. every child thought it would be okay to argue with everything my coteacher and i said.
along with not sleeping well came nightmares. they are always very similar in the storyline but they change each time just a little. and because they are so similar , they get to be overwhelming and they put me in a terrible mood. they make me over think things and just ruin my mood.
starting about lunch time i was in this blah mood and honestly this blah mood is still here and it's frustrating me. there really isn't anything particular that put me in this mood, but i just am. though because of this said mood i start to feel off. sort of like when you are surrounded by a whole group of people and you feel all alone. i know i am not alone, but there are times when i feel like i am.
i don't want to feel like my life is passing me by. like i am missing out on the more important things or the exciting things that could be. i want to feel like i am making the most of it, like i am living it to the fullest and enjoying what i am doing.
"i'm just gonna grow the hell up and focus on the good things in my life"
why i am still awake i am not sure. i am tired and should be sleeping, but i have a lot on my mind that i need to put somewhere. this means waking up at 5:30 will be hard. joy.
my vacation was just what i needed. i got out of the city and was able to semi clear my head, which is better than nothing. i was also able to think and figure some things out. and some things i didn't even think of were brought to my attention, things i know i will have to deal with eventually. but right now it's just one step at a time.
back to work tomorrow. i am torn as to if i am happy or sad about this. i am sad because that means the break is over and it is back to the whole regular routine again, which i was really starting to not like. it's a goal of mine to not fall back into that routine, because it probably wasn't helping my current situation either. but going back to work also means i go back to getting paid again, i get to go back to teaching, which i enjoy and i get to see my kids and coworkers, which i have grown to really enjoy as well. so it's a toss up as to what tomorrow is going to bring.
i have been thinking about what this new year and decade is going to bring. i am not making resolutions, because those never seem to be kept for long, but i am making more of a plan of what i want out of the new year:
- exercise and health is important. i am not making a goal yet, but i want to get back into a routine that is better than the one i currently have. i am finding the motivation for said routine and will dangle it in front of myself until i meet it.
- i want to get more involved in things. honestly i miss coaching. i want to figure out how i can get involved back into the community because i miss it.
- i want to find the happiness that i had before. i think since graduation everything had sort of hit me all at once and i have been having trouble trying to handle it all and that has taken a hit on my happiness. i want to be able to go to bed at night feeling good about my day and what tomorrow holds instead of being worried about it all. i guess i want to start looking at things with the glass half full rather than half empty. i want to stop dwelling on the negatives and start finding those positives again.
- budgeting my money. with student loans hitting me full force now, i need to be better about budgeting my money. a lot better. starting now.
for now those are the things i can sort through.
i have also realized over my mini-vacation that i am better off without you in my life. i deserve better and am worthy of much more. it has been hard these last few months and i know i have been feeling down on myself and like i am not deserving of the good things that come along, but starting here and now that's it. i know i can do better and you don't deserve to have my friendship or my tears.
"Always try to find the positive in any situation and be optimistic. Find any reason to laugh and smile, it will make you live longer."
