let my heart take me where it wants to go

so here i am, procrastinating on my homework again... i really just don't want to read anymore. and this article is 150 pages long. makes my head hurt just thinking about doing it. i'm supposed to summarize it and put specific information into a matrix that is part of a group project. we are also supposed to write an introduction and a conclusion to go with it. don't. wanna. do. it. 

today was extremely stressful and frustrating. it's usually how tuesdays and especially thursdays go. but for some reason today was more than normal. not necessarily because of my students (though trust me you will hear about them in a bit) but because i started to think about what's going to happen at the end of february/beginning of march and of course because i don't have any idea what i am going to do, i started to panic. silently this time so my co-workers didn't have to witness it again. 

i have no plans after my contract here is done. i don't do well with no plans and flying by the seat of my pants in certain situations. traveling, yah that's fine i can fly by the seat of my pants with the best of them. but life, not so much. i'm the type of person that likes to have sort of plan. a plan in this case would be a place to live, an income, a car (which would require me to update my driver's license). none of these things i have. i will be getting a nice severance package when my contract is done, but that is only going to go so far. i have saved a little bit, and could probably save more from now till when i am done. but again, only going to go so far. the idea of moving back in with my parents does not sound appealing. as much as i love them, i would love them more if i didn't live with them ever again. my parents sold my car, which is so politely asked them to do when i left the states back in february. but this has left me without a form of transportation. there is also the situation with the expired driver's license, which i need to update in order to use my international diving permit. oops. 

so because i was thinking about it today after i was done teaching for the day and because i was avoiding doing my homework, i went online and started looking for jobs abroad. i was looking at international schools pretty much anywhere, international job boards in a few different places. at the end of about 3 hours, with finding on a select few jobs, i was even more frustrated, wanted to cry, stressed even more, and just all around defeated. all i wanted to do was go home and crawl under my covers and forget about all of this. 

but i can't do that. because i have homework. that i am continuing to avoid. so on my walk home from work i was thinking, "well what if i stay in korea a second year?" which is a little surprising to me... honestly i didn't think i would stay more than a year. and up until recently i was dead set on going home. but the more that i have thought about it, the more i could see myself staying here. life is easy here. i get paid a fairly reasonable price. i am able to pay my loans with no worries. i am able to travel. i am using my degree for what it really is. i am gaining experience to add to my resume. i am learning new things constantly. i am happy here. but here we have a problem. with the GEPIK budget cuts, schools have been losing their funding for native English teachers, as far as i know my school hasn't lost their budget completely; but it's been cut somewhat. which means that my school can't afford me, since i get paid on a little bit of a higher scale because of my teaching license. 

which puts me back to square one. with nothing. so what do i do? well what i want to do is crawl under my covers and just forget all of this. but i can't. because that would only procrastinate on the inevitable even more. plus i have homework... yuck. 
*i would like to add that at this point i have opened a bottle of wine my aunt sent me from the states and have proceeded to drink a glass...* 


i am going to go into work tomorrow, or thursday (since i actually teach with my handler on thursdays and fridays), and talk to my co-teacher again to make sure things are for sure not going to happen. but i don't really want to go up to her and just ask her flat out if they are rehiring me or not... somehow i don't think that would go over too well. so i am gonna need to find a way to bring it up. i'm sure i'll think of something. 


i just really don't want to go back to the states. at least not right now. the job market blows, which means more than likely i would have to take a job i really don't want or a job that isn't in my field. and then i am afraid of hating my job. thus hating being back in the states. i am afraid of getting stuck somewhere where i don't want to be. i don't want to settle for something, when i know i can do better. i refuse to settle. i don't want to be stuck in a rut. this is what made me leave in the first place. because i was unhappy with where i was. and wanted a change. and now that i have it, i don't want to give it up. 


i refuse to settle. i'm afraid to go back to the states. i fear i am going to fail. i need things to fall into place for me. just this once. just fall into place so i know what i am doing. please.