day sixteen- i'm going out tonight, in my red high heels

day sixteen- another picture of me.

day fifteen- i'm busy gettin' stronger

day 15- put your ipod on shuffle and the first 10 songs that play.

A Little Bit Stronger
-Sara Evans
(seriously have had this song on repeat in the morning for days. it calms my nerves about things.)

Feel Fine
-Augustana

Let Him Be
-Julie Moffitt

Live Like We're Dying
-Kris Allen

Feed Your Ego
-Angel Taylor

Wasted
-Carrie Underwood

Manhattan from the Sky
-Kate Voegele

New Strings
-Miranda Lambert

Drop Out - The So Unknown
-Jack's Mannequin

Any Man Of Mine
-Shania Twain
(oh jillian this reminds me of you!)

day 14- i'm done hoping we can work it out

day 14- another picture of me and my family.

the parentals and i at graduation :)

day 13- i'm movin' on

i'm supposed to write a letter to someone who has hurt me recently. i honestly don't have it in me to sort through all my thoughts concerning this mess that is my love life for the past year. so instead i revert to music to explain my feels.

I'm Movin' On
-Rascal Flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

i'm done thinking you could ever change

okay this girl needs to vent or she is going to lose it. big time.

never have i ever felt so much anger and frustration toward a child before. there are not enough words to describe just how completely frustrating this child is.

we will call this child carl. carl is a child that comes into my classroom for just the afternoon because that is how his schedule works. he is with 4 different care givers every day. mom in the morning before she goes to work. then to grandma's to be watched until dad gets off work and picks him up. from there he spends a small amount of time with dad and then is brought to my classroom where he stays until mom gets off of work. so this kid is shuffled around a lot throughout the day. which takes a toll on him as brought out by his actions.

take today for example... dad drops off carl earlier than normal, which means he comes when there is still a good 30 minutes left of rest time. so i tell him to go get a few books and to sit down quietly and look at them while i slowly start getting the children that are awake up and ready for snack. he gets the books, but proceeds to start throwing them around the room and making extremely loud noises. which then wakes up all but two of the kids. my room is officially chaos because every other child is laughing as carl is continuing the nightmare. i finally get him sitting down in a chair and inform him he is to take a break while i try and calm everything down. what does this induce, screaming and tears. but i have no other choice if i am going to wrangle 7 other children up, cots put away, bathrooms done and snack in 30 minutes before we go outside.

so for the next 15 mins carl sits in his chair and screams and calls me stupid and says he hates me... yada yada, i've heard this all before from him the prior week. i finally get all the children up and give them snack. i tell carl he may join his friends for snack. what does he do? he goes and sits down and instantly starts kicking one of the children for no reason. i calmly tell him 3 times that kicking his friends is not nice, please keep your feet to yourself. this does nothing. so i move him to the end of the table where he is out of reach of kicking anyone. finally peace... for a maximum of 3 minutes.

outside. we were outside for a total of 13 minutes because it started raining. carl screamed the whole time because he did not get the car he wanted. another child got to it before he did and he instantly threw a fit and ran to me telling me he wanted it. i told him he needed to wait his turn and that in 5 minutes he could have a turn. this did not please him. he threw himself on the ground, then sat up and kicked me and hit me. so i calmly pick him up and set him down on the curb, where he swings his head back and head butts me. i can honestly say i have never been headbutted on purpose before by a child, but i guess there is a first for everything.

the rain came so we moved to the gym inside. where he again did not get the bike he wanted. after giving him a different bike, he called the other children stupid the whole time. he did eventually get the bike he wanted, only to run over children on purpose, causing them to cry. which of course after twice, cost him his bike. this induced more screaming and crying.

once children started to leave, carl was fine. i have learned that one-on-one help is needed. it is thought that he is on the spectrum, which i fully agree with. once we were down to 4 or 5 children, carl was able to interact with the children that were there just fine. he was able to fully communicate what he wanted to do with them and it was fine.

i also learned today that this is probably going to he his last week as dad is getting a full-time job and they will need to move him to mornings, which we can't do because we are full. the thing that got to me, was that when i heard that, i was so relieved. never have i ever felt that way about a child, including alek when i was working in clackamas. sure i have been frustrated to no end with children before, but by the end of the day i have let it all go and i still find things that they do to be incredibly cute. nope not with this kid. i see his mom at the front door and i am happy he is leaving. i look forward to mondays and fridays, cause i know he won't be there. and to wednesdays because i leave at 4 for my other job.

i feel like a terrible person for feeling this way. it makes me feel like an awful teacher. i like a challenge, don't get me wrong, but this is over what i feel that i can handle. and i hate the feeling. i hate not being able to get a handle on his actions and be able to assist him in the way that he needs. i feel so helpless and i can't stand it.

day 12- i melt into you

Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one.

i originally started blogging on the myspace blog when i had a myspace account. once i was over that one i created a xanga account and used that for a while. after a while, i was getting weird messages from people and got tired of dealing with those, so i deleted that account and figured i was done with blogging. well i guess i started to miss it, and i had been reading other friends blogs that were on blogger, so i just created one and here we are two years later.

and i am off to frost my wonderful cupcakes. :) yum yum.

day 11- you sing, you scream and you shout

day 11- another picture of you and a friend.

we are taking a step back in time with these ones...saskia, sarah and i sophomore year :)

tiffany, saskia, sarah and i junior year :)

kelly and i at the dixie chicks concert sophomore year :)

andramache and i freshman year spring break :)

jared and i sophomore year orientation :)

day 10 - i'm only fooling myself

currently taking a break from the looooooongest application i have every had to fill out. oh korea...

day 10 - Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
i do have to say this is going to be difficult, because i have soooo much music and there is no way i would get all of them down.

happy:
* "happytimes" matt wertz
* "perfect day" lady antebellum
* "wild at heart" gloriana
* "top of the world" the juliana theory
* "love song" sara bareilles
* "happy ending" sugarland

sad:
* "a little bit stronger" sara evans
* "stand still, look pretty" the wreckers
* "unapologize" carrie underwood
* "chances" five for fighting
* "apologies" grace potter and the nocturnals

bored:
honestly if i am bored i put my itunes or pandora on and just listen to whatever comes up.

hyped:
literally put on my pandora and find the rap/rock station rooooooommate made for me and just blare it.

mad:
* "undo it" carrie underwood
* "let it go" debra arlyn
* "not ready to make nice" dixie chicks
* "in terms of love" shedaisy

day nine- so can you lift me up, turn the ashes into flames

day nine- something you’re proud of in the past few days.

as of yesterday i started working full time at my current job. i am happy about that. sure i hate the hours and being a closer as the last couple of hours seem to drag on and on, but it's more hours and it's more money. and with the nannying on top of that it will help a lot. :)

i am also happy to say that i am a couple step closer to korea. i have two of my letter of references that i should have by this friday. and i got one of my background checks in the mail today. a couple more things to check off my list. slowly getting closer and make this all so much more real. i can't wait. i think i am still super excited because it hasn't fully set in yet. i'm sure once i get closer it will.

dia numero ocho- but i don't want to if you don't want to

day 8 - short term goals for this month and why...

i have a feeling this list is going to be way longer than it honestly should be... but here goes.

*continue to check off and hopefully complete the loooooooong list for korea. why... because the sooner i can get things done, the sooner i can take the next step. and that will bring me even closer to leaving. which is so desperately want at this point.

*put money in savings. why... because now that i am working full time as of today, i need to start saving up again. especially since i am not paying on my loans currently. i need to take advantage of that. big time.

*make it to my parents house at least once. why... because i haven't been home since august when my car finally died and i had to take my dads truck. plus i think we are doing family pictures.

*wash and wax the truck. preferably before the above goal. otherwise my dad might kick my ass.

*buy and make and awesome birthday/going away present. well the person is leaving and it will be there birthday. that pretty much explains it. now if only what i was looking for was easier to find.

*get my final birthday present. enough said.

day seven - must be doing something right

day seven - a picture of something/someone that has the most impact on you.

okay so i totally dropped the ball on this. i know. but this past week has been so crazy busy. but here is the next day and hopefully i will stay caught up this time.

so this pictures is probably the most recent picture of my parents, sister and i. which is sad but true. this picture was taken after my sister's soccer team won the state championship last year. very proud moment for all of us.

my family are the ones who have had the most impact on me. we have all had our good times and hard times, but no matter what we always band together and make it through. :) my dad is one of the strongest people i know. he has been through so much and still he is there to provide for all of us. even still today. thanks to him i have a vehicle that i am able to use since my poor ruby is dead. my mom is my rock. simply put. and no matter how much she drives me nuts, i wouldn't trade having a my little sister for anything. i see her growing up before my eyes, and i am so proud of her. she is going to amazing things one day.

day six- she found the strength to break free

favorite superhero and why.... hmm.

well i never really had a favorite superhero growing up that pertained to television or comics and such. so if i had to really think about it i would have to say that my mom is my superhero.

she has always been there for me no matter what, and i know that she will always be there for me whenever i need her. she has taught me that i can do anything i set my mind to and that i am perfect just the way i am (even if i don't always believe it all the time) she has been my support through everything and without her i can honestly say i would not be where i am today. she is my rock, my foundation to stand on and without her i would be lost.

even on my weakest days, i get a little big stronger

A Little Bit Stronger -Sara Evans

Woke up late today,
And I still feel the sting of the pain,
But I brush my teeth anyway,
Got dressed through the mess,
and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stonger

Ridin' in the car to work,
And I'm tryin to ignore the hurt,
So I turned on the radio,
Stupid song made me think of you,
I listen to it for a minute,
But then I changed it,
I'm gettin a little bit stronger,
Just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hopin, that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinnin my wheels,
Lettin you drag my heart around, and oh,
And I'm done thinking you could ever change,
I know my heart will never be the same,
But I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger

It doesn't happen overnight,
but you turn around and months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried,
Not givin' you an hour or a second or another minute longer,
I'm busy gettin' stronger

And I'm done hopin, that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinnin my wheels,
Lettin you drag my heart around, and oh,
And I'm done thinking you could ever change,
I know my heart will never be the same,
But I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger

Gettin' on without you baby
I'm better off without you baby
How does it feel without me baby
I'm gettin' stronger without you baby

And I'm done hopin, that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinnin my wheels,
Lettin you drag my heart around, and oh,
And I'm done thinking you could ever change,
I know my heart will never be the same,
But I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger

Just a little bit stronger

Little bit, little bit, a little bit stronger

Get a little bit stronger

day numba five- i'm done hoping we could work it out

a picture of some place you have been...

san francisco :)
(photo cred. to my amazing cousin danielle)

i looooooooove this city. it's absolutely amazing. the thought has crossed my mind to live there one day, but i don't know how i could handle california. but if the opportunity ever arose i would jump on it the first chance i got.

day cuatro - if i knew then, what i know now, i'd fall in love

so i'm behind... so shoot me. i've been busy. but here is day number 4: a habit that you wish you didn't have.

hmm... that's a tough one. as of late i think it would have to be biting my nails. i have usually been pretty good about it ever since i was little. but as of late i have caught myself more than once biting them and honestly it's rather frustrating. i've tried the whole painting thing to avoid it, but when you work with little kids the nail polish doesn't usually stay that long and it drives me absolutely insane when i have a chip. i either have to fix it or take it off completely. ridiculous i know, but it's the truth. so i guess for now i will just try and stop on my own.

oh another one is having to finish a chapter in a book before i can stop. i absolutely can't stand stopping in the middle of a chapter. sometimes it's good, but there are many times where i am tired and want to sleep, but i can't make myself stop reading until i am to the next chapter. i don't know how many times i have stayed up way to late doing that because it bothers me if i don't get to the next chapter before i put my book down.

i'm weird, i know this. whatever.

day tres- never let your prayin' knees get lazy and love like crazy

my sister and me :)

mark and me :)

jillian and me :)

ginger and me :)

rooooooooooommate :)

hands down the best birthday ever :)

the best (former) coworkers a girl could ask for :)

day 2 - happy times are here

the meaning behind my blogger name...

well "there's a place i've been looking for..." are actually the beginning lyrics of the rascal flatts song "here". which i absolutely love.

There's a place I've been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to
Reach
Was you, right here in front of me

[CHORUS]
And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way

[Repeat Chorus]

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to
-here
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you

[Repeat Chorus]

And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
Oh, baby-Ooo
Oh, got me here

but i think the reason that i used it as my blog title was because i am just a girl trying to find her place in this crazy world. i'm taking it one step at a time and learning from everything along the way. sure someday i will find the right place, but until then it's an adventure.