i know your streets are lined with a fine mess inside

job searching = ridiculous.

housing searching = not going anywhere when you can't get a hold of one of your roommates.

stress level currently = way high. no job after the end of august. no place to live. going into the real world empty handed. stressing just a little. no take that back, a lot.

and i wonder why i can enjoy myself when i go out and try to have fun.

the little things are starting to get to me. i can't handle this. i'm freaking out.

you ask for the truth, but you know you could do so much better

i think i have decided being a college graduate as of now has been more stress than anything else. seeing how it is the middle of july (and funny cause i first typed june), and i still have no job come the end of august. we also don't know where we are living, and i am afraid of what is going to happen come august, when i not only have to move out of where i am, but no longer have a job. i am worried i won't be ready, i won't be able to find a job by then and i am worried i won't be able to handle all the upcoming stress right now. i am starting to get overwhelmed. i'm not content with where things are in my life, i know i want to do more, but i don't know if i am going to be ready to take it all on right now.

when i start to think about all of this, i get this large pit in my stomach and my heart starts to hurt and i get myself all worked up.

sometimes i just feel so alone. like no one understands what i am feeling and i am going through this all by myself. i feel like i can't talk to anyone about it because they are just going to look at me like i am being ridiculous. i know i have people there to help me, but there are times when i feel oh so alone.

i watch the stars from my window sill, the whole world is moving and i am standing still

work is going alright. stilll quite bored, but i should have stuff to do starting tomorrow. thank goodness. something to do for the first time in like 2-3 weeks. the downside of being on top of everything and caught up with the forever long list of things that have to be done during the summer. next big project... housing packets for new students, emailing returners that have new students in them, and excel sheets for billing.

i am almost 22 years old. have been around my fair share of fireworks, legal and illegal ones. never have i been burned by them... till now. holding a sparkler with my 2 year old cousin and she shakes it too hard and it ends up burning both of our legs. so now i have two small burns on my legs.

job searching is a pain in the neck. i jsut with i would find something and things would go smoothly with no problems. it's already july and i am still looking. everyday. i even have people looking for me too. ugh. hopefully something will come up soon.

need to figure out how to block a couple numbers from being able to contact my phone. would be helpful if at&t's website would be easier to be able to navigate and find things. ugh. stupid website and stupid people that won't leave me alone.

thank goodness i am only working half day on friday. then it's off to philomath for the dreaded doctor's appointment and a weekend away from the grove again. :) the more time away the better.

i need to go to the library at some point and get a new card so i can get different books, cause i am tired of the ones that i have. jodi picoult is starting to get old. i only have 4 more of her books to read till i have read them all. but i am getting bored with them. sadly those are the only books that i kept out when i packed that i hadn't read yet. all the other ones are for other people who are going to borrow them.

still looking for a house with kathy and kelly too. hopefully that will come through soon.

back to work. oh joy. thank goodness there is only 30 mins left and then i can go crash cause i didn't sleep very well last night.

i am aiming to be somebody that somebody trusts

thank you cards: done. laundry: almost done. packing: no where near being done.

need to get back into my routine... got so off that i am starting to feel weird. starts tonight.

sitting in the kitchen in a house that i am alone in. so depressing. i am going to take down all the post its. they are driving me insane, and since i am alone it isn't going to matter. trying to get the little things packed, so all i have to deal with in the big stuff. another goodwill trip is going to be in order. a pile is growing again. and this time it isn't my stuff, maybe a couple, but not a lot.

i need to drop off thank you cards at the post office. give other cards to people at work, and ginger. i need to find the rest of the dirty dishes and start the dishwasher. i need to figure out something to eat, wrap my dad's birthday/father's day present, since they are on the same day this year. i should probably also vacuum upstairs since donald didn't before he left.

oh and i have gotten rid of one of the couches. and am $50 richer cause of it. :)

off to find something to eat. random food for the next few weeks. meh.

we're so far away from home, but brother you're not alone

by the end of today i was so ready to get away from everyone. i am sick of being around people and stress and stupidity. i need a vacation away from here, away from everyone around me.

someone i got screwed and am missing specific stuff. it pisses me off to no end and am about ready to explode. if i find one more thing that has gone missing someone is going to hear about it and they aren't going to like it. but at this point i don't really care. stupid selfish idiots who i am in no mood to deal with for the next few weeks.

largest goodwill pile i think i have every taken to goodwill is going tonight. i purged so much. and am very proud of myself.

need to figure out where my stuff is going after we move out, when i am moving out. i also need to talk to kelly and kathy about living situation stuff after august. as of now we are homeless... well really i am the only one. kathy has her apartment and kelly has the house that she is sitting for right now.

i really just want to scream at the top of my lungs right now. so pissed off right now. i'm off to clean.

i've been beaten down, i've been kicked around, but she takes it all for me

ugh... packing is starting to be a pain. though i need to get my tubs down from the garage before i can really do anything about packing big stuff. though i have managed to start a nice sized goodwill pile. :) plus i found more books to take to powell's. once i have tubs... time to go through clothes and downsize as much as possible. it will make things easier. lastly is going to be the kitchen stuff. who the heck nows what i am going to do with that stuff. i have accumulated a lot. moving sucks. especially since i don't know where i am putting all my stuff, where i am moving after august. or basically what i am doing with the rest of my life. ugh. i hate the real world

working on a sunday sucks. ugh. even if it was for 4 hours, it still wasn't fun. ugh.

i have a weird feeling about a few things and how they are going to pan out. just need to get through these next three weeks.

off to read. go figure. 4th book. :)

like the sky when the sun is gone

i hate mondays. more than usual today for some reason. maybe it's because this weekend was just full of bad or surprising news. sort of drained me of my energy.

my to do list:
-contact food stamp office about my work study being over
-deposit checks
-go through old mail and organize file binder
-LAUNDRY
-wash sheets
-figure out what i am doing with my hair.

i need to start getting organized for the real world. it's starting to scare me. but needs to be done. i am also considering chopping my hair. i'm bored with it, and sort of want it shorter, but not super short. still trying to decide. i guess we will see. hmmm....

my workout was put on hold the last couple days, but not as a whole. just bits and pieces. going to be starting again tonight. hopefully. run and ab workout.

my roommate is living me on wednesday to go home for good for the summer. it is so sad. i am not only going to have the room to myself, but i am going to be the only girl in the house again. ridiculous.

off to enjoy the rest of my lunch. watch some charmed, since i forgot my book at home. then back to work. yay for entering apps into filemaker. boooooooo not.