you got me runnin' baby, wild at heart

i neeeed to be able to sleep through the night without waking up in the middle of the night 4 or 5 times having nightmares and unable to take a full breath. it's getting really old and i am tired of always being tired. i can't ever get a full nights sleep. it probably has to do with the zillion different things i have on my mind right now.

i have figured out why the whole situation with you bothers me so much. i told you my deepest and darkest secret, that i have only told 3 people, because i trusted you. and now, now that this whole situation makes me feel like i made a mistake by telling you. i wish you never knew about it. i feel like you look at me different because of it. and because you are you, i can't tell you any of this.

i feel like i have ruined a perfectly good friendship and all for one thing. and i know things will never be the same and that's what i don't like. not at all.

lesson planning a whole month at a time is so frustrating. i feel overwhelmed and like my brain is being pulled in a zillion different directions.

tomorrow is going to be a day of waiting. waiting for results and answers to all of the questions. i hate waiting. i am impatient. that phone call can't come soon enough tomorrow.

i need to sleep. and i need to feel better about all of this. and i need to leave. and i need to be told everything is going to be okay.

in the end close is all there is but you won't find this

story of my life... carrie underwood's new cd, "play on" pretty much sums it up. seriously.

Run, run, run away don’t let him mess with your mind
He’ll tell you anything you wanna hear
He’ll break your heart it’s just a matter of time

I unapologize
I meant every word
Won't take back the way I feel about you
I can't unsay what you heard
'Cause you heard me right
And I won't try to fight em' back, or hide my feelings for you
I unapologize.

I hate to think all you had of me
(I said all I had to say)
Is a memory I left you,
Space between what was mean to be
(In letters I threw away)
And the mess that it turned into

Play on
When you're losing the game, play on
'Cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth the sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on

Even when the flood gates swing wide open
Never let the currents take you down, no
Even when you're not sure where you're going
Swimming through a mess, and you can't get out
Just going through the motions, and trying not to drown

And I'm not sorry that it's over
But for the way we let it end
So I said all I had to say
In letters that I threw away


totally how i feel right now. there are time when i find myself playing this song on repeat.

"Undo It"

I should have known by the way you passed my by
There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right
I should have walked, but I never had the chance
Everything got out of hand, and I let it slide
Now I only have myself to blame
For falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be the way it was before I saw your face

You stole my happy
You made my cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy, you blew it
You put me through it
I wanna Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh undo it

Now your photos don't have a picture frame
And I never say your name, and I never will
And all your things, well I threw 'em in the trash
And I'm not even sad
Now you only have yourself to blame
For playing all those stupid games
You're always gonna be the same
Oh no, you'll never change

You stole my happy
You made my cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy, you blew it
You put me through it
I wanna Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh undo it

You want my future
You can't have it
I'm still trying to erase you from my past
I need you gone so fast

You stole my happy
You made my cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy, you blew it
You put me through it
I wanna Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh undo it

i unapologize, i meant every word, won't take back the way i feel about you

i am the most accident prone person i know. i constantly have new bruises that show up that i have no idea where they come from. in the weirdest places too. like the back of my arm or on my hip. i have noticed i have a lot more scratches on my hands too, probably from my kids. and to add to my collection of wounds is a purple pinky fingernail. it's just wonderful.

kathy and i went ice skating today cause we thought it would be fun. i relearned that i am a terrible ice skater and have no balance skills whatsoever. i think we were like maybe 5 or 10 mins in and i crashed. luckily that was my only fall, but my finger hurts like no other. i have bumped it i don't even know how many times already. this should make work fun this week. haha

only one load of laundry this week. how exciting is that. but i do have a load that really needs to be folded. i used my last pair of socks today, which means alllll my socks are clean, just not sorted or folded or put away. i just have no energy to actually sit down and do it.

i need to finish lesson plan stuff. including the computer station stuff we haven't figured out yet. good thing it's only going to take me like an hour to do what i have to. hopefully at least.

i need to go through and clean my room. it's starting to annoy me. which is a sign it's time to clean. this all just makes me want to crawl in bed. i know it needs to be done and it's going to drive me crazy till i do it, but the thought of actually doing it just drains me of all my energy. that's what i get for letting it get this backed up. boo.

new music always makes me happy. :) new carrie underwood. along with random other songs that make me happy.

i'm ready for a vacation. ready to just go somewhere where it is peaceful and just relax and take my mind off of everything; work, money, student loans, guys, just everything. can christmas break be here already. that would be grand. sadly this year i only get a week instead of a month. oh well, gotta work.

speaking of christmas... omg there are stores that are already playing christmas music. it's insane. and allll the christmas stuff is up. helloooo it's no even thanksgiving yet. seriously.

speaking of laundry, i need to pull out all my winter stuff and hang it up. i think i am going to need more hangers. plus more socks. oh and i need warmer gloves. mine fail. i also need to invest in more long sleeve shirts. i can't seem to find any that i like, which is frustrating, since i am going to need to start wearing them soon. my classroom is soooo cold cause we are the back room with the back side of the building, which is a wall of nothing but windown, which makes it super cold in the winter time. also why i wear a scarf everyday all day.

i think after i get my laundry done and get things back in order i might just crawl into bed and actually read. i haven't done that in forever. i have so many books i need to read. like at least 4 i can see from where i am at right now.

lesson plans, laundry and dinner.