we have had the time of our lives, now the page is turned

i woke up this morning after a night out in seoul with all these thought running through my head and no way to sort them out individually. rather my mind just threw them all out there at once and i slowly had to sort through them and try to understand what i was thinking and how i was feeling about each thought. this seems to be something that my mind does around the same time every week. since i am so incredibly busy and always on the go during the week, i don't have idle time where my mind can process my thoughts. so rather it stores all my thoughts and concerns throughout the week and then either saturday or sunday morning when i am lying in bed debating whether or not i should get up or go back to sleep my mind explodes with all these thoughts. and i am left to clean up the mess that they leave behind. 

so i laid in bed for a while going through all these thoughts, many of them the same ones i have over and over again. after getting irritated with myself, i naturally logged onto my computer and went to facebook. while scrolling through my news feed i came across a status update by a friend i have here in korea, which was worded exactly how i was feeling. it said, "the mix of joy and sadness that i feel after parting ways with a beloved friend is always a hard pill for me to swallow. i will never have the strength to walk away without feeling that tug on my heart weighing me down. for this, i am glad, because it means i have not become cold and callous to this world yet". this is exactly what i needed to hear and it made the whole situation with said friend who i am not on speaking terms with at the moment a little bit easier. it helped me realize that no matter what happens, i am not going to be able to be the person that just drops it and doesn't care what happens. i am not that person, and wouldn't want to be. i want to be the person that cares and if that means getting hurt along the way, i would rather be hurt than not feel anything at all. along the lines of said friend, because i care, i naturally am always going to wonder why? why the instant and extended silent treatment after everything that has happened between us? what brought it on and is it ever going to end? and because i care, i also have to be aware that more than likely i won't get the answers i'm looking for and i need to somehow be okay with that. because i care i just want some sort of closure so i can stop worrying about it. but this is also something i will likely not get. 

naturally grad school is always on my mind. i feel like a lot of my free time and thoughts go into it. whether it's my discussion questions for the week or the assignment i have for the week. i know right now my classes are going to seem like they consume my life at times, but in the end it will be worth it. i will be done with school and holding a master's degree. which one would hope would help in the ever going job search. 

now that i am beginning my second year here in korea, and it's now april, the whole homesickness aspect of things i feel starting to creep up in my mind. as of now i haven't been home in 13 months, that is the longest i have lived outside of the united states ever and the longest i have been away from home. for me that is a big step. and there are times where i can feel it taking it's toll on me. i wake up missing my family, my friends and loved ones. there are days, like today, where i wake up and i feel like i am missing out on so many things at home. birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, births etc. by being over here. but i have to remind myself that i am over here living my life to the fullest and pursuing a dream i had only once dreamed of. i am making memories that are going to last a lifetime. i am experiencing so many new things. i am getting to live the dream that so many people wish they could do. i am so grateful for the opportunities that i have been given over the past 13 months and i am looking forward to what the next 11 months are going to bring to me. 

the future is always another thought that lingers in my mind. i don't know how many times i have gotten the questions, "are you going to stay for another year after this?" "what are you going to do next?" "are you going back to the states?" etc etc etc. all the questions i hate getting. right now, i am living in the present, day by day and enjoying it. i have no idea where i am going to be and what i am going to be doing a year from now. i could be here in korea again, back in the states, in another country or a completely different part of the world. everything is up in the air as of now, and for the first time in a long time, i am perfectly okay with this. i can't plan my entire life right now, so there is no point in stressing about it. 

i do have a few ideas to think about though. i have thought of staying in korea for another year after this. which this is just the beginning of my 2nd year and there is plenty of time to change my mind, i can't help but thinking how much i enjoy it here. i could do plenty of research and find another job in another country. i could apply for jobs through the DODEA (department of defense education activity) and work in a school on one of the military bases around the world. (this is something i would KILL to have the opportunity to do. getting a job with the DOD would be AMAZING!) i have also thought about doing teach for america. i requested a bunch of information today. 

i just feel like i am destined for something so much bigger than moving back to oregon, finding a job there and settling for that. i don't want to settle. i want to be able to dream big and then go after my dreams full force. and while i do feel like i am missing out on what most of my other friends have, going the more traditional path of school, jobs, marriage and families, i wouldn't change what i have done or am doing for anything. while i do what to one day find love and have the love and family that i see my friends having, i want to be able to say i fulfilled my dreams as well. 


so for now, i will sleep and begin a new week with the ability to say that i still loving what i am doing.