the whole world is moving and i'm standing still

the job search continues. i have finally gotten my other letter of rec i have been waiting for over three weeks for. :) so that should help things a bit. plus i plan on buckling down and hardcore doing searching, because i am not happy where i am at and i really think it might be starting to show. i hate to say it, but it is. i need to stay positive, but there are just times when it is so incredibly hard.

i think the thing that frustrates me is i have now been beaten out of two jobs to people who have master's degrees. so frustrating. i know i have to get my master's degree, but right now it isn't in my budget and i can't afford it. i know i have 9 years left, so here is to that.

i also feel afraid that i am going to get stuck in my current job and i don't want that. i am afraid i am just not going to be able to find something else and i am going to end up getting stuck there because i know i already have it. it is just so frustrating because it isn't where i want to be.

when i think about all this, i get extremely overwhelmed and frustrated. then i get upset and i start over thinking about things, including job, money, the not so distant future of having to move, where to go, how to pay for it all etc. i know i need to calm down and take it all one step at a time, but sometimes i just can't help but think about it all, because it is all right there in front of me waiting to be answered. and i feel like sometimes i have to have the answers right now instead of waiting to see what happens.

i think there is a reason i have always had walls around my heart. for fear of getting hurt again. and just when i thought it was okay to slowly bring them down something happens and i feel i have built those walls even higher. i fear they are just going to get higher and higher and i am going to push everyone away. i already don't let a lot of people in or get close but i fear that i won't let anyone in at all.

i need the opportunity to clear my head and be able to fully breathe again. i always feel so overwhelmed and like there is never enough time for everything.

you're just another picture to burn

it's official. my car is out to get me. i swear. i spent most of the night saturday after my bbq stranded in portland because for some awful reason, my car completely died on me while driving. long story short. had it towed to my uncle's place of employment's parking lot and came back the next day to tackle the job of figuring out what the hell was wrong. basically we thought it was the alternator or the battery. both of which we took out and ended up taking in to get checked. they both passed. we put them both back in my car and what do you know, it starts just fine. and has been running completely fine ever since. ugh i could kill my car. seriously. pain in the neck. completely.

on top of all the car drama, i am getting sick. strep is going around my school and i am terrified i am going to get it. which would be awful because having no health insurance currently would make it very hard for me to get meds, which i would need to fight off the strep. lovely.

i am at the point where my sadness has turned to anger. i was and am still currently so furious with the whole damn situation i have in front of me. i'm furious for even getting mixed up in it. i'm furious about how things ended. i'm furious with you thinking it was all okay like it was no big deal. i'm furious with the whole thing. i'm to the point that i want nothing to do with you. at all. if i had it my way we would no longer be friends. furious. i have only ever hated one person and that was for a perfectly good reason. but i'm getting to the point that you are going to be my number two. you suck and i hope karma hits you hard.

i'm so ready for more sleep.