someday i hope you get the chance, to live like you were dying

for as long as i can remember, i have also had a plan when it came to my life and my future. and while that said plan has been modified, changed, or completely been scrapped and re-written, a plan has also been in place. so what happens when you come to a point in your life where you have a big decision to make and no plan set in place with NO CLUE where to go next...

growing up, everyone has the expectation of what they think their life is going to be like. and while society tells you that you should graduate from high school, go to college and get a degree, find a job, settle down and get married and have children (in that order of course), i have always dreamed bigger. don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that and i want all of those things, but i also want more than just a cookie cutter life just because society tells me that's what i am supposed to do. i want to be able to look back on my life and be proud of what i did and not regret a single decision i've made. 

should i stay or should i go? (i'm fairly certain this is a song title) but this is literally my current dilemma. you might look at that question and say to yourself, that isn't a hard question... it's one or the other, just pick one. but in all reality, it's a much harder decision than you think. 

for the past almost 21 months i have had the wonderful opportunity to live and work in my career field in south korea. these past 21 months have been more than i could have imagined. i have had the opportunity to work with some amazing teachers and students (and of course some not so amazing ones), i have met plenty of awesome (and not so awesome) people along the way, many of which i can say are among my closest life-long friends, i have been given the opportunity to further my career in an exciting and not so conventional way and i have been able to travel and see parts of the world i wouldn't necessarily been able to do otherwise. and while my last 21 months haven't been all rainbows and happiness, i have loved every minute of it and wouldn't change it for anything. but it's getting to be that time of the year again where school contracts are ending and the english teachers around the country and to make the decision, "should i stay or should i go?"  

for some of us it's an easy decision, stay. why would you leave the simple life that is korea? you have a good job that pays really well, excellent health insurance, a payed for apartment, little work and relatively good working hours, the chance to travel and all the other aspects of ease living in korea. why would you want to go back to a country where the job market isn't the brightest, things are expensive and there is so much uncertainty and stress... there comes a point in time that people continue to stay because it's comfortable and easy. while that isn't a bad thing, it isn't for everyone.

and then there are the others, myself included, who are torn between the two. while i have all the great benefits of living and working here in korea, i can safely say this isn't where i want to spend the rest of my life. i don't want to become one of those people we call "lifers" that stay because it's easy and they are comfortable here. i want to do bigger things with my life... call me crazy or just a dreamer, but i want to say that i made a difference in someone's life. but sitting down and looking at things, while the easy decision for me would be to choose to go home and start the next chapter of my life i pause and wonder if that's what i should really do. 

i sit and think and second guess everything i think regarding this decision. do i really want to go back to america? where the job market isn't much better than when i left almost two years ago? where i have no place to call my own? or a car? or a solid source of income? i would be moving back to america without a solid plan set in place. and when i think about that, it scares me. a lot. i don't want to go back home and be forced to find a job because i have to pay my bills. i don't want to be the 26 year old who has to live with her parents because she has to. on the other hand though, i don't want to decide to stay where i am currently at and later on down the road regret and resent myself for my decisions. i've had a friend tell me personally that it's the worst feeling in the world. 

i've talked to plenty of people; my parents, my sister, my aunt, my close friends, other friends, and others in the same boat i am and everyone says something different. stay, go somewhere else, make a pro/con list, weigh your options, go home, run away as fast as you can, listen to your gut, do what makes you happy etc. of course people are going to have biased opinions on what i should do, and in the end i know that it's my decision to make, no one else. 

there are days where i find myself knowing exactly what i want. i am going to go home and figure it out from there.... i'm done with korea. but then there are days where i have an excellent day with my students or i get bombarded by my kindergarteners with hugs and i think to myself, "how could i leave a job that i love for uncertainty" it's like i am being torn in a million different directions... i'm happy here. but i don't want to get too comfortable. i want something more for myself. i want to start a new chapter. but i don't want to fail.

the more i toss and turn at night thinking about my decision, the more i am slowly coming to terms with the fact that sometimes in life you don't always have a plan and that is okay. people say that everything works out the way it's supposed to in the end... that doesn't make the journey along the way any less stressful. 

so for now, i will finish my cup of tea, turn out the lights and pray for a uninterrupted night of sleep...    

http://www.nomadicmatt.com/travel-blogs/everyone-say-im-running-away/

i want to make you feel wanted

i can probably say that i am the worst blogger right now... i guess i blame it on the fact that since i have been in korea for almost 2 years now, everything that i do here has become "my regular" life here that i don't think about sitting down and blogging about what i do with my daily life. while it is my daily life, i still get to do some fun things, i just never seem to have the time to actually get it written out.

now that the retched month of october is finally over, i can breathe a little easier... in theory. the month of october was seriously the longest, most stressful and just overall worst month i have had in years. it was just one thing after another piling up and after a while i just couldn't take it and i just blocked everything out. between working (read as trying not to strangle) my 6th grade co-teacher through her open class, finishing up another graduate class, dealing with the whole "squishy" situation and thinking about my future after my contract is finished in february... i was ready for the month to be over. 

i guess i can't complain too much about the month of october. i did start the month of in JAPAN! which was awesome... (that i promise will be a different blog, probably just pictures). the "squishy" situation wasn't all bad, i got to see a friend from china, and the best thing to come out of the month of october.... I BOUGHT MY BABY SISTER'S TICKET TO COME VISIT ME IN SOUTH KOREA!!! (and hopefully soon she will transfer me the money she owes me *hint hint*)

on the graduate school front, i am currently on a week break, to end tomorrow afternoon. i took a week off to line up my schedule with my winter vacation in january. tomorrow i will be starting my second to last class of my graduate school career and i can't wait! so far... i am continuing strong with my 4.0 GPA and plan to continue that. two more classes.... that's all that is standing in my way to obtain my master's degree! i can't wait to be finished! 

work-wise, things are going well. i still love all my students, especially my kindergarteners. i know i have said this before, but it doesn't matter how bad of a mood i am, whether i am upset about something personal going on, or stressed about my future etc, the moment i walk into their classrooms they make me smile. teaching them reminds me why i went into the teaching profession in the first place. to make a difference. it is widely known that teachers don't make a lot of money, but you don't go into teaching to be rich with money... you go into teaching because you love working with kids and you love seeing them learn. my kindergarteners are the highlight of my entire teaching week. they hardly speak english and my korean is terrible, but we are able to communicate and understand each other perfectly. the rest of my classes are great... with the occasional rough day or class period. but that's normal. 

my personal life... that's a whole other story. you could say that i have been an emotional mess as of late. for various reasons, personal and future related. i have really been all over the map in regards to how i feel about things. there are days when i am happy with where things are at in my life and i am content with the decisions i am making regarding my future and then there are days where all i want to do is hide underneath my blankets and cry myself back to sleep because i am so unsure of what i want to do. i think a reason i am an emotional roller coaster is because i look at others around me and i just feel like they have things together far better than i do. now i know this isn't always the case, but it's just how i feel. i just have to remind myself of what i have done, what i am currently doing and what my future holds for me (no matter how undecided it is). i can't have all the answers right now... 

technology still hates me... my external hard drive stopped working and i lost the hundreds of GB worth of stuff i had on there. i had to start all over... so frustrating. my curling iron my sister bought for my birthday is fried (stupid me didn't check the voltage) and i blew up my personal blow dryer. 

november is a new month... with many things to look forward to. president obama was reelected for another 4 years! it's the holiday season... which means thanksgiving and my favorite holiday (CHRISTMAS!). 55 days till my sister is in korea. and i'm wearing my big girl pants and making decisions about my future.