my birthday was absolutely amazing. there was not a single thing i would change... okay well maybe a couple, but it was pretty much perfect. and i love it. every birthday should be like that i have decided.
it started with dani taking me to get my passport. which she paid for. :) so now i should be getting in at the end of september or the beginning of october, which i am super excited for. even if i don't have anything planned yet, the fact that i have it finally after years of getting crap from people to get it, i finally have it. then we had an amazing lunch at a little french cafe in portland. where i got this yummy treat... which i still haven't eaten because it's so pretty. i just can't bring myself to do it.
then we came back to hillsboro and decided we were going into portland for the night. we didn't really go in with a plan, just knew we were going downtown and from place to place. we ended up going to rock bottom brewery to start.
then we went to huber's because rooooommate insist that i have a spanish coffee on my birthday, plus i was already getting tired (pathetic i know) so i needed something to wake me up.
after we left huber's we needed a bathroom break and upon walking into the bathroom this is the sign that was placed over the light switch. so very random and very entertaining.
well the spanish coffee didn't work so well. we attempted to go to bar 15 to meet up with one of my old coworkers, but one, she had already left and two, they refuse to take sophie's cousin's canadian license so we ended up going to mcfadden's to dance to wake me up even more, which worked for a bit. we stayed for a while and decided we wanted to go to pasha to dance, but by the time we got there, they were getting ready to close, so we called it a night and made out way back to the parking garage over by rock bottom. it was an all around amazing night.
and yes of course they was messy that took place throughout the whole night. secretly holding hands under the table, whispered promises, plenty of flirting, holding hands while waking down the street, stolen kisses and a very public makeout session in the middle of the parking garage. and you know what, i'm okay with all of this. i'm living in the moment. and right now it's good. :) i'm happy.
i. hate. my. car. with a passion.
got out to my car this morning to head to work and i tried and tried and tried to start my car and it wouldn't turn over. nothing. it's been doing this off and on since friday. but i would always be able to start it. nope not this time. this time i got nothing.
called my dad, who has always been my mechanic, and will continue to be so. told him what was happening, which he was expecting, just not this soon. i ended up having to call into work and take the whole freaking day off, which i can't really afford to do, but i had no other choice. so instead of having friday off, i will be working, if they are able to put me back on the schedule. which is fine i guess. just frustrating.
my dad was able to drive up, after he had to take a day off work, and after a full day of looking at my car. with lots of cussing and throwing of some parts and tools and many phone calls to many people, we were able to figure out that my spark plugs and my cap and roater needed to be changed. so now it is in working order... till something else goes wrong.
it's so hard to keep a positive attitude about things when it is one thing after another with the negative. it is just so frustrating. i'm trying, but it really isn't working. i just need things to fall into place.
i am working on figuring out consolidation stuff with my loans so i can have a smaller payment. plus once i get my money from my mom i will be able to pay off my credit card and that will be one less thing to pay every month. plus once my saladmaster stuff is payed off that will be even closer to being done. i am currently deciding if i want to apply for a substitute position and do that so i can get into the school districts. i am up in the air about it and need to decide soon cause the opening won't last very long. i just wish things would come together faster.
today was absolutely ridiculous. i only worked a half day because the numbers are so low that they didn't need me till my co teacher left for her doctor's appointment. so this is going on a whole week now that my coteacher and i have not been in the same room for more than 15 minutes. which makes it very hard to get our room ready for the new school year if we can't actually talk about what we are going to do.
work is work. it's frustrating. and all the more reason i need to find something different. and fast. this is not where i want to be. don't get me wrong. i love my children and the opportunity i have to work with them, but this isn't the age group i want to work with, and this school is not somewhere i want to stay. i could go on for days about what they should be doing different or not at all. which is why i am going like crazy trying to apply to jobs. and all over the place. i don't want to limit myself. i just want to find something better than this. because i know there is something better out there. it's just a matter of finding it.
i need to figure out how to do some loan consolidation so all i have is one loan payment instead of 3 every month. it is so frustrating. i need to do some research and figure out what i am going to do, because i need a smaller payment. otherwise i am going to lose my mind. i also need to pay off my credit card. i'm close on my maurices card. that will be one less thing to worry about. and my pots and pans. that would be nice to pay off as well, but that is going to take a bit more time.
i am excited for this weekend. it's birthday weekend. i took friday off because i really didn't want to work the day before my birthday. which is good that i did because apparently roooooommate and i are going to be getting out passports. :) yay for excellent birthday presents.
i think i have linked my sleeping issues to he who shall remain nameless, or as he has been nicknamed, satan. ever since i saw him, i have slept like crap. i blame him.
this will be short, with more to come later in the week. at some point.
today's visit and talk with he who shall remain nameless got me thinking. yes i became an emotional basket case after i left... this is usually what happens with said person. but something he said triggered something else in me that has never happened before. with the mention of moving across the country, part of me got a little bit jealous. i want to be able to do that. i want to be able to move to a new place and start over. i want the same opportunity he is getting. i know i am not happy here and i know i feel like i am going to get stuck. but i want to be able to start fresh somewhere new... sort of like starting over.
i'm jealous. i'm scared. i'm frustrated. i'm angry. i'm hurt. i'm an emotional mess. i want to know that things will work out and everything will be okay.
i want a fresh start.
it's been a while... a long while. honestly i needed a break and i really haven't had much time to actually sit down and put my thoughts anywhere than floating aimlessly in my mind. not that that is ever really helpful.
still job searching. still disliking my current situation. a perfect example, it's tuesday night. i'm exhuasted. i was honestly exhausted and ready for the week to be over at 10:15 this morning when i took my morning break. i think because i dislike my boss as much as i do and the way things are run it makes me much more drained far more easier. so i continue to look. hoping for the best. so far this week i'm up to 8 jobs, 5 were just tonight. here's hoping.
one thing i have been able to accomplish this summer was catching up on my reading. i have currently read 14 books this summer. i just started my 15th one today. i have a pile of oh.... about 12 that are currently waiting for me to read. i miss reading. let's see:
- finish the stephanie plum series
- bitter is the new black
- two books from dani from indo
- a soft place to land
- take 3 and i think take 4
- apparently the harry potter series (according to jillian)
- plus whatever comes up along the way
i hate loans. they suck. big time. thankfully i'm actually paying one down at a very nice pace. should be gone by the beginning of 2012. which means that's one less company i will have to deal with. i do need to look into consolidating all my loans into one company. right now i have three and 6 total loans, two from each. i just consolidated within each company, but not all into one. i need to look into a lot of things to do with my loans. i just add it to the list.
and then there is my love life. currently a big messy complicated situation. although this isn't new. i've just added to it. far too much to think about. messy is just how it's going to be for now. i've come to accept this.
it was payday today, which means i'm off to pay bills. how sad.
the job search continues. i have finally gotten my other letter of rec i have been waiting for over three weeks for. :) so that should help things a bit. plus i plan on buckling down and hardcore doing searching, because i am not happy where i am at and i really think it might be starting to show. i hate to say it, but it is. i need to stay positive, but there are just times when it is so incredibly hard.
i think the thing that frustrates me is i have now been beaten out of two jobs to people who have master's degrees. so frustrating. i know i have to get my master's degree, but right now it isn't in my budget and i can't afford it. i know i have 9 years left, so here is to that.
i also feel afraid that i am going to get stuck in my current job and i don't want that. i am afraid i am just not going to be able to find something else and i am going to end up getting stuck there because i know i already have it. it is just so frustrating because it isn't where i want to be.
when i think about all this, i get extremely overwhelmed and frustrated. then i get upset and i start over thinking about things, including job, money, the not so distant future of having to move, where to go, how to pay for it all etc. i know i need to calm down and take it all one step at a time, but sometimes i just can't help but think about it all, because it is all right there in front of me waiting to be answered. and i feel like sometimes i have to have the answers right now instead of waiting to see what happens.
i think there is a reason i have always had walls around my heart. for fear of getting hurt again. and just when i thought it was okay to slowly bring them down something happens and i feel i have built those walls even higher. i fear they are just going to get higher and higher and i am going to push everyone away. i already don't let a lot of people in or get close but i fear that i won't let anyone in at all.
i need the opportunity to clear my head and be able to fully breathe again. i always feel so overwhelmed and like there is never enough time for everything.
it's official. my car is out to get me. i swear. i spent most of the night saturday after my bbq stranded in portland because for some awful reason, my car completely died on me while driving. long story short. had it towed to my uncle's place of employment's parking lot and came back the next day to tackle the job of figuring out what the hell was wrong. basically we thought it was the alternator or the battery. both of which we took out and ended up taking in to get checked. they both passed. we put them both back in my car and what do you know, it starts just fine. and has been running completely fine ever since. ugh i could kill my car. seriously. pain in the neck. completely.
on top of all the car drama, i am getting sick. strep is going around my school and i am terrified i am going to get it. which would be awful because having no health insurance currently would make it very hard for me to get meds, which i would need to fight off the strep. lovely.
i am at the point where my sadness has turned to anger. i was and am still currently so furious with the whole damn situation i have in front of me. i'm furious for even getting mixed up in it. i'm furious about how things ended. i'm furious with you thinking it was all okay like it was no big deal. i'm furious with the whole thing. i'm to the point that i want nothing to do with you. at all. if i had it my way we would no longer be friends. furious. i have only ever hated one person and that was for a perfectly good reason. but i'm getting to the point that you are going to be my number two. you suck and i hope karma hits you hard.
i'm so ready for more sleep.
then we went to huber's because rooooommate insist that i have a spanish coffee on my birthday, plus i was already getting tired (pathetic i know) so i needed something to wake me up.
