i just need you now...

you know... having a semi-deep conversation, or at least a tense one, before you go to bed is probably not the greatest idea. makes for a crap night of sleep. i don't want to get back into the habit of terrible sleep again. not that my sleep habit right now is the greatest, but it's better than it was. except for last night. i woke up like 4 times in the middle of the night wide awake. i'm just happy i didn't have to wake up at 5:30 this morning, even though i was awake at that point.

much needed mental health day today. :) i know it's the middle of the week, but it's totally worth it. plus i will be able to get things done that i can't during work hours. like closing the two bank accounts i haven't used in ages. i have a total of like $10 in both of them combined, but don't use them. ever.

ginger's senior project presentation is on my list as well. plus lunch with lisa and jean. and the craft store, but that's actually for work, sort of.

i feel less confused about the whole situation i have in front of me. it's still a messy complicated situation, but considering we are on the same page, i think, it's a little less confusing. who am i kidding... this whole thing is one big mess. how it got here, i have no idea, but it is what it is and at this point i'm okay with that. i guess.

"i'm ready to feel now, no longer am i afraid of the fall down, it must be time to move on now, without the fear of how it might end"

wish you were here

Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am, a utopian citizen
Still convinced there's no such thing as idealism

Memories they're following me like a shadow now
And I'm dreaming
And I've already suffered the fever of disbelief

I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn't soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I'm mesmerized by the picture that's in my mind

Tell me when I'll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
Cause I don't want to keep on believing in illusions

I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

Sometimes I can't explain
And I'm so sorry that I can't
I'll try to concentrate
On your true identity

I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

everything got out of hand and i let it slide

so many questions and thoughts running through my mind right now, i don't even know where to start to sort things out.

what and why did i do it?
where do we stand? friendship wise?
what were you expecting?
what was i expecting?
why did it have to go this way?
why am i even thinking about all this?

i wish i had all the answers and things would just sort themselves out.

i'm sick to my stomach. and stress is not helping.

and though you're out of sight, you're never ever out of my mind

i haven't had a lazy saturday like this in ages. i love it. no commitments. no work. no stress. i should really do this more often. it's sort of calming and relaxing. and i never have enough of that.

my mind has been on a roller coaster ride since sunday the 11th. i have gone back and forth with my thoughts of how i feel and what i should have/could have done. there is a big part of me that regrets the outcome of that night, but there is a part of me who feels completely fine with it. sure it wasn't the smartest thing i have done, but who are we kidding, this whole situation hasn't been the smartest thing i have done. i really try and not think about it. that way i don't have to sort through all of my feelings about the whole situation. not that that is a good thing either. i just want to get past the whole thing and in one piece.

i've decided that i am going to figure out how to get a new car. i'm not sure how i am going to do it, but i am. my car is falling apart and has been for years now. i needs to be retired. if it's not one thing it's something else and i am tired of it. currently i need a new headlight and there is a leak in my camshaft, which makes me burn oil like crazy. no good.

i also need to figure out my health insurance situation. i keep making it a point to talk to my boss, but everytime i remember to it's too late or it isn't the right time. not like there is a right time. and now that she is gone to take care of her mother, i have no idea when will be the right time. maybe i will just talk to kadi and she can help me figure it out. we will see. a new goal for the week.

finally taking my computer in to get it fixed... hopefully. i talked to someone a while ago and they said that they could change out the top of my laptop cause it is cracked which is apparently common in the model of my macbook. i am just hoping that it doesn't cost anything or if it does it won't be super expensive cause i can't afford something expensive.

i am also happy i don't have to think about lesson plans this weekend. i am enjoying being ahead. we like it that way. :) makes teaching so much better. less stressful.

she's learning how to let go

this weekend was probably one of the best weekends in a long time. :) it was wonderful to not have to worry about anything and be able to relax and have some fun. basically i said screw it i am not looking at lesson plans and enjoyed it.

the job search still continues. i am just done with my current job and need to find something that is more permanent and closer to my field, not that the job i am in isn't, but it isn't exactly what i want to be doing forever. i want something more with older children and in more of a school setting. not to mention i am fed up with all of the drama. i'm just ready for something better. this was a good start, but i want something better.

this headache that i have had for a good portion of the day which i was hoping would go away has now turned into a migraine. seriously. it hurts way too much to even read, which is probably not a good thing. let's just hope that it's gone by morning or monday is going to be terrible. and having a terrible monday is never good cause monday is supposed to be prep for tuesday, which we all know will be terrible no matter what. excedrin migraine needs to kick in right about.... NOW.

but it's still hard to see you go cause you mean everything to me

i can successfully say that communication possibilities are no more. i'm tired of dealing with it. i'm tired of thinking about it. so i just gave in and cut you off completely. i'm not too sure how i feel about it, but i know it's for the best and in the end will make me a better person for it.

and the rain comes back. typical oregon weather. i would much rather have the 70 degree weather we had yesterday. i'm ready for summer to be hear. not only for the weather but to see people i miss. to be able to take a vacation.

passport application is progress. i need to get my pictures taken, somehow get my birth certificate from home, and then find time to go in and apply for it in person... and with my crazy busy schedule who knows when that is going to be. but it's going to get done. and soooooooon. cause summer is coming and mexico is calling my name. or south america. or both.

what i am going to miss this week... spring break. it's technically spring break, but i have to work. lame. i'm thinking of taking a day off or calling in sick. i haven't decided. knowing my luck i won't be able to or i just won't. but i should.

my lack of sleep in the past few days has totally drained me of any energy i thought i might have during the day. i've been looking up herbal remedies for sleeping issues. i think i am going to invest in taking melatonin. it's looking like that might be helpful. too bad it couldn't clear my head of everything else. that would be helpful too.

there is a good possibility i will be back in washington in two weeks. and by good possibility i mean it will happen. maybe not for a full week this time, but definitely for a few days. i'm going to be up there for a party anyways... i mine as well just stay a little longer.

and how the story ends depends on you and me

being up for 24 hours straight for no reason at all gives me plenty of time to think about plenty of different things. this could be seen as a good thing, but not in this case. when i have too much time on my hands, like when i don't sleep, my mind wanders to things i would rather not think about.

being in washington last week for the entire week made me realized i am not happy where i am at. i'm not happy with my living situation for many different reasons. i am not fully happy at my job. don't get me wrong, i love work with my kids and my coteacher is amazing. that is all good and well, but the politics and crap that come with the higher up's is so overwhelming and frustrating it is making me not want to put my full effort into my teaching. which not only affects me personally, but it affects the kids. which is so frustrating. i know i picked the right profession, but i want to be able to enjoy my work and feel like i am making a difference in my kids' lives. where i am at, i don't feel like i am able to fully do that.

i'm not happy in oregon anymore. it's the only place i have ever lived and i need to get out. talk of teaching abroad has begun and i am seriously considering it. i would love to go somewhere else and just experience the culture and be able to teach. :) passport application is in the works as well. finally.

i'm ready for a fresh and big new start. sort of like starting over. i would be okay with that in some ways.